Why Aren’t People Afraid?

I have a few reasons why I choose not to lie. The main one is that, since I don’t like the feeling of being lied to, other people must not like it either, so I don’t want to make them feel like that. My logical brain says that, if I spare people those bad feelings, they will do the same for me. Oh, but the world is not logical. Other people don’t give a shit that you consider their feelings. I’m sorry that I don’t want you to feel the betrayal of being lied to, I’m such a bad person. /s

The second reason is that lying is hard, especially with a memory like mine. I have a hard enough time keeping track of continuity in my fictional stories, can you imagine me trying to keep track of untrue details I’m supposed to be pretending are true? It’s easier to tell the truth because you know what it is and you don’t have to try and remember what you said. That’s why one of the red flags that someone is lying is they can’t keep their story straight. I have a couple people in mind right now as I say that. [You’re a liar, you know you are, and you’re a bad person.]

The third reason is one I didn’t realize until recently after watching quite a few true crime shows. I am human, and humans lie. Even after making my vow, I’ve gotten the urge to lie many times over the years, and about stupid stuff. I’m ashamed about my trichotillomania, so I actually had a “baby bird” thought of saying I had cancer instead. A “baby bird” thought is something we all experience; impulsive thoughts that often make us go, “why did I think that?!” immediately after thinking them. Example: you find a helpless baby bird, and you suddenly get the thought or urge to smash it to death. If you don’t do it and question the thought, you’re normal. If you do it, you’re most likely a psychopath. Anyway, lying about having cancer is one of the worst things you can lie about, so obviously I backtracked on that immediately. But I’ve had the urge to lie about things to Michael, or even to people on the internet. I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized the reason I always resist certain lies is because I think, “wait, then what will I say when they find out the truth?” Not if they find out, when. Because people will always find out. I’m afraid of trying to dig myself out of a web of lies, I’m afraid of people having actual proof of me being a bad person. It’s one thing if people just believe you’re a bad person because of someone else lying, but it’s a whole different ball game if it’s true. I’ve been so confused these passed few years, wondering if the opposite would have worked. What if I had acted that way? Would people have fallen for it? If I had been another fake ass influencer with no sincerity, would I be successful? Is that what people want? Do you want me to lie to you? Every time I get the urge to lie, there’s a series of things going on in my head: when they find out you lied, what are you going to say? Are you going to tell another lie, or tell the truth? What’s so bad about the truth that you have to lie? You don’t know how long it will take them to find out the truth. Will you even remember what you said? Are the consequences worth it? Who will you hurt? They will find out. THEY WILL FIND OUT.

It’s fear. Fear keeps me from breaking my vow. I’m afraid of being found out, I’m afraid of hurting anyone who trusted me, and I’m afraid of going against what I believe is right, even if the rest of the world is full of lying pieces of shit. But I don’t get it… Why aren’t you afraid too? Are you just used to getting away with lying? When you get caught, don’t you care? Why don’t you think about the bad things that can happen to you when you get caught? Are you so certain you’ll never be found out? Does lying make you a coward? I think it does, and I know this from experience. Every time I’ve ever lied in my life, it was to hide something so I wouldn’t get in trouble. It took me many years to figure out you get in worse trouble when you’re caught lying than when you just tell the truth in the first place. But if I’m afraid of being caught lying, doesn’t that make me a coward? Isn’t fear the same as cowardice?

I think I’d rather be an honest coward than a lying one. And I think you have to be pretty full of yourself to believe you can get away with lying all the time. I just think it’s funny. I think it’s funny that I can’t relate. People always find out the truth eventually. Always. And every liar should be scared to fucking death of when they get found out, but they’re not, and I’ll never understand why.