Not a lot of people read my blog here, which is part of the reason I go to it to really vent. Whether people read it or not, posting my feelings makes me feel like I’m speaking to someone who is there just to listen, like a therapist. And those who do read it have told me how much they can relate to me.
But I completely understand that, especially through text, I can come off as abrasive, hostile, unfriendly, and downright bitchy. Well, there’s honestly a few reasons for that. With text, the main reason is how the reader chooses to read something, and that applies to many people online; so many misunderstandings have ended up in fights and lost friendships just because someone chose to read the text in an unfriendly tone. Not only that, but everyone who knows me knows that I have speech and social development problems that cannot be fixed. I hate them. People accuse me of thinking I’m better than everyone else, or that I’m vain, or that I think I’m special. The one that really grinds my gears is when people think I talk about my problems because I want others to feel sorry for me.
I am sorry I come off this way. I would change it if I could. I try my hardest to be nice to individuals who are also kind, people who deserve to be treated well because they treat others well. But when I rant, I’m releasing a lot of pent up feelings and emotions that aren’t directed toward any one person alone, but types of people, or situations, or even things that really aren’t a big deal. That’s me bitching, I know. I’m a woman, women bitch. XD Still, it’s my therapy, and it makes me feel better. Plus, it’s a very healthy way to get out your anger and frustrations, something I have been told by professionals and non-professionals alike. Some people drink or do drugs. Some people punch holes in their walls or beat their spouse. Some people kill people. I complain on a blog that hardly anyone reads. Sometimes I complain on videos, which surprised me when people gave positive feedback. Sometimes I’ll rant in a journal on DeviantArt if I feel I need some feedback or response, if I need to see if people feel the same way so that I know I’m not alone. Not everyone is going to agree with my views, and I get that. Still, sometimes, even though my logical brain knows that there are nearly eight billion people on the planet, and statistically, it’s impossible for me to be the only one with these specific views or problems, my irrational brain will tell me, “you’re abnormal, no one feels the same as you, you’re alone.” Those are not happy thoughts. If I can find comfort in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone, I am allowed to do that, even if a small few find it annoying, or even if some incredibly sad person decides to post segments of my rants up on a cyberbullying website and deliberately leaves out ANYTHING that shows that what they are saying of me is not true.
I am an honest person with many problems. Just because I’m open about my problems, doesn’t mean I enjoy having them. Honestly, I have mad respect for my boyfriend, who is mentally healthy and can shove things off easily. I wish I could do that. I choose to try, naturally, but my brain does not allow it. My brain does not allow me to take criticism, though most “criticism” I get is from people who don’t know the difference between “criticism” and blatantly insulting someone’s work. I’m sorry, but I can’t control this either, but why should it concern anyone else? It’s not your problem, and letting it bother you is just wasting your time and energy off of something that’s nothing. It’s not because I only want to hear good things, it’s because, if something is wrong with my work, my irrational brain says, “well, there you go, you fucked it up. Good job, you worthless piece of shit. Why do you even try? Just give up.” These thoughts aren’t fun, and I don’t understand how people could hold it against me for having them. If you’ve got a problem with how my irrational brain works, please, for the love of god, become a scientist and find the cure for mental illness. I will bow down to you and praise you like a deity.
What people don’t understand is, I may seem bitchy when I’m complaining, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a friendly person. There are other people like me who lack certain social skills. In fact, for those of you who watch The Game Theorists on YouTube, you’ll know that one of their editors (and dear friend) killed himself. When MatPat was describing his personality, it was shockingly similar to mine, how his way of speaking was something others had to get used to, how only his close friends ever knew what he meant when he was speaking, HOW PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WAS EXTREMELY RUDE OR UNKIND WHEN HE WASN’T MEANING TO COME OFF THAT WAY. In fact, one of the things Ronnie didn’t have in common with me is that he bottled everything up. I’m willing to bet that he could have greatly benefitted from doing what I do and just letting it all out, just so that it doesn’t fester inside and create this unstable ball of misery and self-loathing. He’s not the only one either. I try to encourage people to get things off their chest, even if no one is listening. People come to me to vent or to get advice, and I love that because it means that they are using me as an outlet to feel better about themselves… you know, in a way that isn’t harassment. And you know what? So many people have told me that I stopped them from killing themselves. That makes me feel good because this world needs to be rid of the bad people, not the kind-hearted. Do I think I’ll save the world? Of course not, that’s silly. How much difference am I making? I don’t know, but even a small difference is important to me. I don’t believe I have any other purpose but to try and help people not be like me. It also makes me hate humanity even more when people vent to me about problems way worse than I’ve ever personally dealt with, things that make me feel sick. I’ll never understand how people enjoy using sex as a weapon.
Also, the “pity” thing. I’ve said it so many times, I’m surprised people still accuse me of trying to get y’all to feel sorry for me. “Oh, poor Reitanna! She has to deal with so much crap! I feel so sorry for her!” Tell me, does that sound pleasant to you? Yeah, me either. When people pity me for my personal shortcomings, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t try to battle them, it makes me feel like… well, like I’m pitiful! I need sympathy in the times that really matter, such as the sickness or death of a loved one, and really, that sympathy isn’t even for me, it’s for the one who suffered. If I have a pet who dies, I tell everyone because, for one, people often fall in love with my babies too, and for two, because that baby deserves the love that is expressed by those giving their sympathy. But for my own sicknesses? My flaws? My upbringing? Sure, no one deserves what I’ve been though, but the truth is, millions do. I’m far from the only one suffering, and as previously mentioned, there are plenty of people who suffer worse fates. This isn’t some contest. I just love how people don’t realize that I am helping myself. I chose to see a psychiatrist and get help. I choose to vent my feelings instead of drown in them. I choose to try and stay as strong as I can for the people I love. To pity me is like saying none of it was worth it, that as far as I’ve come, it was a waste of time. All I ever want when I am talking about my problems is for people to understand and empathize. I mean, how else am I going to defend myself when people think I’m being a bitch?! “This is why I come off like that…” I explain my issues to help people understand why they misjudged me. That’s not a crime, that’s just honesty. What, am I supposed to make up some fake reason? That’s called “lying.”
People also think that I’m upset or something when I’m not, simply because of the way I type, but if you heard me speak, you’d know the difference. Actually, if you’ve seen the way I type when I’m upset, the difference is black and white. In my channel video, I’m showing my bubbliness, and in the description, it says not to leave hateful comments. That’s not me going from 😀 to >:(, that’s me giving a reasonable demand to help protect both myself and people commenting on my videos. There’s not indication that that sentence gave any negative intent, you know, unless you wanted to leave a hateful comment, in which case, you’re a very sad individual with whom I don’t wish to associate. If I’m upset or being mean, you’ll know. “And don’t you fuckers leave any fucking shitty comments, or I swear to FUCKING god…” Doesn’t that sound hostile? Doesn’t that make, “don’t leave hateful comments” sound civil now? That’s because it always was, you just chose to take offense to something that does not show offensiveness. If people find me even the least bit annoying, which I don’t blame you, and they have nothing better to do than to make mountains out of molehills, which I do blame you for, they will fit my words to their narrative. For instance, the blog I posted about my dermatillomania… showing only the things I say where I’m bitching, and then not posting the part where I say I’m not looking for pity makes others believe I want pity. That’s why I always tell people to come to me to get the truth. Most people who make hateful threads about me are people who either misunderstand me, or are just hateful bastards who want to ruin my, what they call “popularity.” Or they want my “white knights” to fight with them or something. They are simply juveniles with lower self esteem than I have, and that’s saying something. I mean, c’mon… “white knights?” That’s pitiful.
And they say, “if you don’t want hate, don’t post shit on the internet.” You know, that’s sad. It’s sad that the human race is so hateful, that we are supposed to expect everyone to bash our heads in every time we post something. Yeah, it’s true that most of the people who use the internet are sheep who hide behind their computer screens pretending to be big bad wolves, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are still kind, honest, and fun people to communicate with. I have social anxiety disorder, this is my only means of socializing. No, I don’t expect to receive hate for what I post, because I’m not doing anything wrong. If I do receive hate, it’s not my fault, it’s theirs. I want to have fun, be happy, feel accomplished, and share my successes that prove I am ten times better than either of my stupid parents ever even hoped to be. Every human likes praise and positive attention. I work hard, I work to get the kind of attention everyone wants, the kind that all hard workers deserve. I have a curse; the desire to prove myself. You would too if you were told all your life that you’d fail by the people who were supposed to love you.
And yeah, I think I’m ugly without makeup. I am a very eccentric person, I like bright colors, flashy clothes, gaudy jewelry, etc. And you know what? Without my makeup, all I see in the mirror is the woman who gave birth to me just to make my life a living hell. That whore is the ugliest piece of shit on the fucking planet, and I could literally be her twin. I love makeup. I’m even a certified makeup artist. I can do all types of makeup, from subtle and casual to dramatic and whimsical. I’ve gotten more compliments on my appearance when I’m wearing what I like to wear than without. My boyfriend also loves it when I make myself look my best (he thinks I’m pretty anyway, but I disagree with him). I’m his type of girl. If you have a problem with my choice in fashion, that’s your problem, not mine. Maybe you just need to dress the way you want too and stop being a sheep. Or maybe you need to focus on real problems, like school, your job, bills, chores, whatever. Get up, go learn a new skill, get a hobby or two! Here I am learning 3D modeling and game coding on top of many other talents and hobbies, and here you are, sitting in a corner, hating on someone that doesn’t deserve it, being all unhappy and angry… I’m going to be someone’s wife soon.
But really, to whoever is reading this, I just want you to know that I am easily misunderstood due to my less desirable idiosyncrasies, and I am sorry if you hear some really bad things about me. I’m even more sorry if you believe them. If you truly don’t like me for whatever reason, there are two things you can do: You can either come to me and ask me civil questions to cure your misunderstandings, or you could just forget me. I’m not everywhere, I’m not in the news, I’m not “trending,” it’s easy to move on from me. I am not important to you. I am not hurting you. I think I deserve the same kindness I am giving you by not hurting you. I don’t have any reason to bitch at any one person unless they start shit first. And just because I bitch about stuff in rants, and just because I bitch out people who decided to throw the first stone at me, does not mean I am a bitch to everyone, and it also does not mean that everything I say is bitchy. Not everyone is going to like everyone, but no one deserves to be a victim of slander.
And as a parting note, I don’t think I’m special. No one is special. I’m a perfectionist that is far from perfect, and that drives me INSANE. There’s a difference between vanity and self esteem, and when I try to have a little self esteem, it’s no excuse for anyone to claim I’m vain. Actually, I wish I were vain… then I’d have high self esteem. XD
This post has not been proofread. Any typos or misspellings simply prove I’m human.