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I Know I Can Seem Bitchy

Not a lot of people read my blog here, which is part of the reason I go to it to really vent. Whether people read it or not, posting my feelings makes me feel like I’m speaking to someone who is there just to listen, like a therapist. And those who do read it have told me how much they can relate to me.

But I completely understand that, especially through text, I can come off as abrasive, hostile, unfriendly, and downright bitchy. Well, there’s honestly a few reasons for that. With text, the main reason is how the reader chooses to read something, and that applies to many people online; so many misunderstandings have ended up in fights and lost friendships just because someone chose to read the text in an unfriendly tone. Not only that, but everyone who knows me knows that I have speech and social development problems that cannot be fixed. I hate them. People accuse me of thinking I’m better than everyone else, or that I’m vain, or that I think I’m special. The one that really grinds my gears is when people think I talk about my problems because I want others to feel sorry for me.

I am sorry I come off this way. I would change it if I could. I try my hardest to be nice to individuals who are also kind, people who deserve to be treated well because they treat others well. But when I rant, I’m releasing a lot of pent up feelings and emotions that aren’t directed toward any one person alone, but types of people, or situations, or even things that really aren’t a big deal. That’s me bitching, I know. I’m a woman, women bitch. XD Still, it’s my therapy, and it makes me feel better. Plus, it’s a very healthy way to get out your anger and frustrations, something I have been told by professionals and non-professionals alike. Some people drink or do drugs. Some people punch holes in their walls or beat their spouse. Some people kill people. I complain on a blog that hardly anyone reads. Sometimes I complain on videos, which surprised me when people gave positive feedback. Sometimes I’ll rant in a journal on DeviantArt if I feel I need some feedback or response, if I need to see if people feel the same way so that I know I’m not alone. Not everyone is going to agree with my views, and I get that. Still, sometimes, even though my logical brain knows that there are nearly eight billion people on the planet, and statistically, it’s impossible for me to be the only one with these specific views or problems, my irrational brain will tell me, “you’re abnormal, no one feels the same as you, you’re alone.” Those are not happy thoughts. If I can find comfort in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone, I am allowed to do that, even if a small few find it annoying, or even if some incredibly sad person decides to post segments of my rants up on a cyberbullying website and deliberately leaves out ANYTHING that shows that what they are saying of me is not true.

I am an honest person with many problems. Just because I’m open about my problems, doesn’t mean I enjoy having them. Honestly, I have mad respect for my boyfriend, who is mentally healthy and can shove things off easily. I wish I could do that. I choose to try, naturally, but my brain does not allow it. My brain does not allow me to take criticism, though most “criticism” I get is from people who don’t know the difference between “criticism” and blatantly insulting someone’s work. I’m sorry, but I can’t control this either, but why should it concern anyone else? It’s not your problem, and letting it bother you is just wasting your time and energy off of something that’s nothing. It’s not because I only want to hear good things, it’s because, if something is wrong with my work, my irrational brain says, “well, there you go, you fucked it up. Good job, you worthless piece of shit. Why do you even try? Just give up.” These thoughts aren’t fun, and I don’t understand how people could hold it against me for having them. If you’ve got a problem with how my irrational brain works, please, for the love of god, become a scientist and find the cure for mental illness. I will bow down to you and praise you like a deity.

What people don’t understand is, I may seem bitchy when I’m complaining, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a friendly person. There are other people like me who lack certain social skills. In fact, for those of you who watch The Game Theorists on YouTube, you’ll know that one of their editors (and dear friend) killed himself. When MatPat was describing his personality, it was shockingly similar to mine, how his way of speaking was something others had to get used to, how only his close friends ever knew what he meant when he was speaking, HOW PEOPLE THOUGHT HE WAS EXTREMELY RUDE OR UNKIND WHEN HE WASN’T MEANING TO COME OFF THAT WAY. In fact, one of the things Ronnie didn’t have in common with me is that he bottled everything up. I’m willing to bet that he could have greatly benefitted from doing what I do and just letting it all out, just so that it doesn’t fester inside and create this unstable ball of misery and self-loathing. He’s not the only one either. I try to encourage people to get things off their chest, even if no one is listening. People come to me to vent or to get advice, and I love that because it means that they are using me as an outlet to feel better about themselves… you know, in a way that isn’t harassment. And you know what? So many people have told me that I stopped them from killing themselves. That makes me feel good because this world needs to be rid of the bad people, not the kind-hearted. Do I think I’ll save the world? Of course not, that’s silly. How much difference am I making? I don’t know, but even a small difference is important to me. I don’t believe I have any other purpose but to try and help people not be like me. It also makes me hate humanity even more when people vent to me about problems way worse than I’ve ever personally dealt with, things that make me feel sick. I’ll never understand how people enjoy using sex as a weapon.

Also, the “pity” thing. I’ve said it so many times, I’m surprised people still accuse me of trying to get y’all to feel sorry for me. “Oh, poor Reitanna! She has to deal with so much crap! I feel so sorry for her!” Tell me, does that sound pleasant to you? Yeah, me either. When people pity me for my personal shortcomings, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t try to battle them, it makes me feel like… well, like I’m pitiful! I need sympathy in the times that really matter, such as the sickness or death of a loved one, and really, that sympathy isn’t even for me, it’s for the one who suffered. If I have a pet who dies, I tell everyone because, for one, people often fall in love with my babies too, and for two, because that baby deserves the love that is expressed by those giving their sympathy. But for my own sicknesses? My flaws? My upbringing? Sure, no one deserves what I’ve been though, but the truth is, millions do. I’m far from the only one suffering, and as previously mentioned, there are plenty of people who suffer worse fates. This isn’t some contest. I just love how people don’t realize that I am helping myself. I chose to see a psychiatrist and get help. I choose to vent my feelings instead of drown in them. I choose to try and stay as strong as I can for the people I love. To pity me is like saying none of it was worth it, that as far as I’ve come, it was a waste of time. All I ever want when I am talking about my problems is for people to understand and empathize. I mean, how else am I going to defend myself when people think I’m being a bitch?! “This is why I come off like that…” I explain my issues to help people understand why they misjudged me. That’s not a crime, that’s just honesty. What, am I supposed to make up some fake reason? That’s called “lying.”

People also think that I’m upset or something when I’m not, simply because of the way I type, but if you heard me speak, you’d know the difference. Actually, if you’ve seen the way I type when I’m upset, the difference is black and white. In my channel video, I’m showing my bubbliness, and in the description, it says not to leave hateful comments. That’s not me going from 😀 to >:(, that’s me giving a reasonable demand to help protect both myself and people commenting on my videos. There’s not indication that that sentence gave any negative intent, you know, unless you wanted to leave a hateful comment, in which case, you’re a very sad individual with whom I don’t wish to associate. If I’m upset or being mean, you’ll know. “And don’t you fuckers leave any fucking shitty comments, or I swear to FUCKING god…” Doesn’t that sound hostile? Doesn’t that make, “don’t leave hateful comments” sound civil now? That’s because it always was, you just chose to take offense to something that does not show offensiveness. If people find me even the least bit annoying, which I don’t blame you, and they have nothing better to do than to make mountains out of molehills, which I do blame you for, they will fit my words to their narrative. For instance, the blog I posted about my dermatillomania… showing only the things I say where I’m bitching, and then not posting the part where I say I’m not looking for pity makes others believe I want pity. That’s why I always tell people to come to me to get the truth. Most people who make hateful threads about me are people who either misunderstand me, or are just hateful bastards who want to ruin my, what they call “popularity.” Or they want my “white knights” to fight with them or something. They are simply juveniles with lower self esteem than I have, and that’s saying something. I mean, c’mon… “white knights?” That’s pitiful.

And they say, “if you don’t want hate, don’t post shit on the internet.” You know, that’s sad. It’s sad that the human race is so hateful, that we are supposed to expect everyone to bash our heads in every time we post something. Yeah, it’s true that most of the people who use the internet are sheep who hide behind their computer screens pretending to be big bad wolves, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are still kind, honest, and fun people to communicate with. I have social anxiety disorder, this is my only means of socializing. No, I don’t expect to receive hate for what I post, because I’m not doing anything wrong. If I do receive hate, it’s not my fault, it’s theirs. I want to have fun, be happy, feel accomplished, and share my successes that prove I am ten times better than either of my stupid parents ever even hoped to be. Every human likes praise and positive attention. I work hard, I work to get the kind of attention everyone wants, the kind that all hard workers deserve. I have a curse; the desire to prove myself. You would too if you were told all your life that you’d fail by the people who were supposed to love you.

And yeah, I think I’m ugly without makeup. I am a very eccentric person, I like bright colors, flashy clothes, gaudy jewelry, etc. And you know what? Without my makeup, all I see in the mirror is the woman who gave birth to me just to make my life a living hell. That whore is the ugliest piece of shit on the fucking planet, and I could literally be her twin. I love makeup. I’m even a certified makeup artist. I can do all types of makeup, from subtle and casual to dramatic and whimsical. I’ve gotten more compliments on my appearance when I’m wearing what I like to wear than without. My boyfriend also loves it when I make myself look my best (he thinks I’m pretty anyway, but I disagree with him). I’m his type of girl. If you have a problem with my choice in fashion, that’s your problem, not mine. Maybe you just need to dress the way you want too and stop being a sheep. Or maybe you need to focus on real problems, like school, your job, bills, chores, whatever. Get up, go learn a new skill, get a hobby or two! Here I am learning 3D modeling and game coding on top of many other talents and hobbies, and here you are, sitting in a corner, hating on someone that doesn’t deserve it, being all unhappy and angry… I’m going to be someone’s wife soon.

But really, to whoever is reading this, I just want you to know that I am easily misunderstood due to my less desirable idiosyncrasies, and I am sorry if you hear some really bad things about me. I’m even more sorry if you believe them. If you truly don’t like me for whatever reason, there are two things you can do: You can either come to me and ask me civil questions to cure your misunderstandings, or you could just forget me. I’m not everywhere, I’m not in the news, I’m not “trending,” it’s easy to move on from me. I am not important to you. I am not hurting you. I think I deserve the same kindness I am giving you by not hurting you. I don’t have any reason to bitch at any one person unless they start shit first. And just because I bitch about stuff in rants, and just because I bitch out people who decided to throw the first stone at me, does not mean I am a bitch to everyone, and it also does not mean that everything I say is bitchy. Not everyone is going to like everyone, but no one deserves to be a victim of slander.

And as a parting note, I don’t think I’m special. No one is special. I’m a perfectionist that is far from perfect, and that drives me INSANE. There’s a difference between vanity and self esteem, and when I try to have a little self esteem, it’s no excuse for anyone to claim I’m vain. Actually, I wish I were vain… then I’d have high self esteem. XD

 

This post has not been proofread. Any typos or misspellings simply prove I’m human.

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I need to get something out. This entry has no other purpose. I will be referencing “you,” but I guarantee the “you” is no one reading this. So… just let me empty my bottle for a moment…

*ahem*

 

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T FUCKING TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!!! LIKE FUCKING DIRT!!! YOU FUCKING SAY THAT I ACCUSED SOMEONE OF SOMETHING, AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU COULD POSSIBLY THINK THAT!! YOU KNOW IT!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDIOT ON THE GODDAMN PLANET!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ?? IF I FUCKING SAY I DIDN’T INTEND TO DO SOMETHING, I FUCKING MEAN IT!! BUT NO, YOU HAVE AUTHORITY, SO THEREFORE, YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE UP SHIT, ACT LIKE IT’S TRUE, AND PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN’T FUCKING DO!! I FEEL SORRY FOR EVERYONE WHO IS FORCED TO ASSOCIATE WITH YOU, YOU SAD, LONELY PIECE OF FUCKING TRASH!!! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN MYSELF, IF YOU HAD ANY READING COMPREHENSION, THIS WOULD’VE NEVER HAPPENED!! YOU TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD, SO HERE I AM, THROWING A TANTRUM LIKE A CHILD IN A CORNER OF THE INTERNET WHERE YOU CAN’T SEE ME!!! I BET YOU’RE JUST LAUGHING YOUR ASS OFF THAT YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO AN INNOCENT PERSON!!! IF I WERE TO FUCKING ACCUSE SOMETHING, I’D FUCKING SAY IT!!! WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFORMATION??? I HONESTLY WOULDN’T MIND GRABBING YOUR FACE AND BASHING YOUR FUCKING HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOUR SKULL FUCKING CRACKS!!! YOU DESERVE THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU!! YOU’RE A FUCKING EGOTISTICAL TWAT THAT’S JUST A WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE!! A WASTE OF ENERGY!! MATTER!!! MASS AND GENETIC RESOURCES!!! YOU’VE GOT TO BE DUMB AS SHIT TO MISCONSTRUE MY WORDS IN THE MOST CONFUSING WAY!! YOU SAY I’M ACTING LIKE I DID NOTHING WRONG? THAT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING FUCKING WRONG YOU DUMB SHIT!!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG?!? ARE YOU JUST THAT STUPID?? YOU GODDAMN FUCKER!!! I HATE PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! I FUCKING DESPISE PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE BRAIN SKILLS TO FIGURE OUT WHEN SOMEONE IS BEING HOSTILE OR NOT!!! NEWS FLASH…. THIS IS FUCKING HOSTILE!!! DO I NEED TO FUCKING RECORD MY VOICE TO SHOW YOU THE TONE I MEANT IT IN??? YOU FUCKTARD??? PICK UP A FUCKING BOOK AND LEARN SOME READING COMPREHENSION YOU DUMBASS SHITFACED CUNT!! I CANNOT STAND STUPID PEOPLE!!! YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!! DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING ACCUSED OF THINGS??? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE ANGRY??? FUCK YOU!! I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I SHOULDN’T WANT TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A STEEL BAT!!! IT’S NOT LIKE I’M GOING TO, BUT STILL, THE FEELING OF WANTING TO IS AGGRAVATING!!!! YOU’VE GOT NO LOGIC OR REASON IN YOU, DO YOU?!? FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!! IF I WANTED A FIGHT, I’D FUCKING LAY IT DOWN YOU STUPID SHIT!!! YOUR POOR FAMILY MUST BE SO TIRED OF YOUR SHIT!!! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR OWN SHIT!!! THIS IS ME BLOWING UP!!! THIS IS HOSTILITY!!!! THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR!!! OH, AND LEARN HOW TO FUCKING SPELL YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!!!!

 

*sigh*

Alright then. Back to work.

Okay, so here’s the deal. Too many creators of Sims CC have this idea in their heads that they can restrict other people from using their content in certain ways; not including the mesh when recoloring, not modifying the mesh, not posting their creations on other websites even with credit, and worst of all, charging money for “exclusive” content. Sometimes it’s just because creators didn’t read EA’s service agreement… and sometimes it’s outright vanity. Note that what I post here comes straight from EA and the Sims team, and are absolute fact.

 

First off, section five of the service agreement: https://www.ea.com/terms-of-service#section5

 

“You are responsible for your UGC. You may not upload UGC that infringes a third party’s intellectual property rights or that violates the law, this Agreement or a third party’s right of privacy or right of publicity.

EA may, in its sole discretion, remove, edit or disable UGC for any reason, including if EA reasonably determines that UGC violates this Agreement. EA does not assume any responsibility or liability for UGC, for removing it, or not removing it or other Content. EA does not pre-screen all UGC and does not endorse or approve any UGC available on EA Services.

When you contribute UGC, you grant to EA, its licensors and licensees a non-exclusive, perpetual, transferable, worldwide, sublicensable license to use, host, store, reproduce, modify, create derivative works, publicly perform, publicly display or otherwise transmit and communicate the UGC, or any portion thereof, in any manner or form and in any medium or forum, whether now known or hereafter devised, without notice, payment or attribution of any kind to you or any third party. You also grant all other users who can access and use your UGC on an EA Service the right to use, copy, modify, display, perform, create derivative works from, and otherwise communicate and distribute your UGC on or through the relevant EA Service without further notice, attribution or compensation to you.”

 

I went ahead and asked for a short of “dumbed down” summary of this section. I was told this: https://answers.ea.com/t5/Game-Information/inquiry-about-EA-service-agreement/m-p/6476531/highlight/false#M1933

 

 

Also:

 

“As per the User Agreement, all user generated content (UGC) cannot be restricted by the creator if they use EA game assets. UGC includes not only CC or mods, UGC can also be screenshots from the game, videos, or content you upload to the Gallery.

By restricting we mean the following:

  • Requires payment
  • Requires creator permission

 

However, even if not required, it is considered common courtesy to credit a creator if you re-use and slightly modify their created content.”

 

And lastly, from a SimGuru: http://forums.thesims.com/en_US/discussion/comment/16175450/#Comment_16175450

 

“CC/Mods locked behind a paywall and Patreon.

  1. CC/Mods Locked Behind Paywalls – Creators cannot lock content they make using our game behind a paywall. While we do not police this content (there is no way we would create a team simply to monitor this) we do take reports sent to us seriously and action accordingly.
  2. Patreon – We understand that folks who make CC / Mods for others to enjoy are doing it in their free time and may desire to offset costs to create the content by using this service. As long as the content is still made available FOR FREE we do not mind these types of pages. Folks who have a Patreon page are welcome to provide folks with “early access” incentives for their content but it should be made available to the general public within 2-3 weeks of it being given to folks early.”

 

I think all of that is pretty clear. I myself was under the assumption some time ago that I owned my CC, and that I could say things like, “you cannot recolor without my permission!! You can’t include the mesh!!!” Welp, I was wrong, just like many creators are. OR SOME PEOPLE DON’T CARE LIKE PANDORASIMS. That site indeed steals free content from creators and demands you pay a monthly fee to have access to all of it. They even say on their contact page: *WARNING: NSFW-ADULT CONTENT-18+*http://pandorasims.net/contact.html

 

“READ BEFORE EMAILING! EMAILS that WILL get deleted:

 

  1. Asking about anything not related to this site.
  2. Stupid stuff like just saying hello.
  3. Requests for free subscriptions.
  4. About what I am doing is wrong. Tough tits I’m doing it I DON’T CARE what YOU think! I don’t even read these emails don’t waste your time!
  5. Copyright bullshit. These are unofficial mods they have NO copyright so All your mods are belong to me!
  6. About how you paid for mods your paying for the convenience and the self installer which makes YOUR life easier that’s what YOUR paying for!
  7. ANY spam will automatically get deleted and your email BLOCKED FOREVER. So your wasting your time!
  8. ANY urls or web address’s will be blocked. SO kiss my ass spammers!”

 

As far as I know, the site is ran by one person, and they sound like some angsty teen who likes to break any rule because that makes them “hardcore.” On the FAQ, it says: http://pandorasims.net/faq.html

 

Q: Do you realize what your doing is unethical and wrong?!
A: No it’s not because everything created in the sims is unofficial mods and they have NO copyright.”

 

That answer is NOT correct. But of course, if you were to try and email them with the correct information, they’d “delete it sucka!” Some of YOUR stuff might even be on PandoraSims. Please urge anyone with an account to cancel it, and report the site to EA to help get it shut down. It’s not just unethical, it’s illegal.

As for actual creators, yes, we must have common courtesy and credit anyone whose work we use, but creators must also know that they cannot put such restrictions on their content. All of this should not be used as an excuse to claim other people’s work as your own, but it SHOULD be used to broaden creative freedom and abolish fear mongering. We may all use any CC however we want, and that opens up new and broader opportunities for artists developing this content, but we should not be rude about it.

If you’re on Patreon, and you have exclusive content only available to people who donate, please consider the facts and operate honestly, allow all of your content to anyone, and simply switch to the early access option mentioned above. Know your rights as creators.

A recent incident has caused Emma’s Simposium to shut down because Emma was being constantly harassed by eight Patreon users, the “leader” being Leosims. Leosims allegedly said that no matter where Emma went or what she did, Leosims would be there and she would destroy Emma and Emma’s Simposium.

For those of you who do not know what Emma’s Simposium was, it was a site that provided lost content, as well as content that the original creators demand money for. Every item was credited, and as said above, she had every right to post that stuff. Still, she was being harassed, so she quit providing Patreon content. Apparently someone else took that up, but Leosims and seven unnamed creators accused the person of being Emma, and ended up threating them. An email from Emma began with, “When I decided to give up the paid/patreon content and let someone else carry the burden for a while I thought that would be the end of it and I could focus on the missing content and create a new site that would out shine any other site that offered to find and share missing content. But that was not the case. After enduring a ton of harassment and being threatened even after I no longer had anything to do with the sharing of patreon content and the threats to an innocent person that had nothing to do with the patreon content I have decided to quit the sims all together. Believe me this decision did not come easy and comes with a heavy heart.”

This was all because a few creators don’t understand (or care) about the law. It is disgusting that someone would do this when it is within their rights. I can only imagine the cruelty that these creators decided to bestow upon innocent people in order to “destroy” them. Leosims and those seven other creators should feel ashamed of themselves, and Leosims needs to get off her high horse and start obeying the law. Not only that, she has ensured that missing and payment exclusive content cannot be provided for people.

There are quite a few creators that restrict their CC behind a paywall; Maysims, Newsea, and Butterflysims are the ones that come to mind immediately. Any attempts to contact them about the issue go unanswered… hell, MaySims’ contact form doesn’t even work. There are plenty of people who want to fight against payment exclusive content, but let’s face it, the bad guys always win.

If any creator who does these things sees this, I have provided you with the hard facts, and if you disagree with them, you are wrong. There are links and everything. Instead of acting like little school children and saying, “nuh-uh!” go do the research yourself, this case isn’t too hard, all you’ve got to do is read the service agreement and contact some actual game developers and employees of the company. Wait… I’ve done that for you. But if you want to go in a circle, go ahead. Perhaps it’ll give you the hard slap in the face you clearly need.

Leosims and your seven sheep, you did a horrible thing, and I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

“I Should Play God”

So sick of stupid ass shits who think they’re so “hardcore” because they can say whatever shit they want to anyone and think they can get away with it. Don’t even have the fucking brain capacity to think and consider their actions. It’s like if you express any intelligence to reason with them, and they respond with, “duhr hur yer legs r stoopid!” And they’ll never learn because they’re stupid fucks who rely on mommy and daddy to provide for them. Maybe they’ll learn when they go out into the real world, get denied a loan, can’t find a job, have to live on the street selling blow jobs, begging for drugs, and getting mugged and raped until they’re lucky enough for someone to take a gun to their fucking heads and do us all a fucking favor. Or maybe they’ll learn when they push someone too far, and that person finds where they live and shoots them in the fucking head. “I’m tired of waiting, I should play god and shoot you myself.” It’s so easy to get a gun in Murica. Too bad I don’t like them. I don’t like loud sounds. Mama, when are you going to come around and put it back the way it ought to be?

I discovered a regular thing I can do in my dreams, and since I mostly believe dreams have to do with the multiverse theory, I wanted to see if you guys wanted to try this, and if your results are the same.

This only works if you are mostly in control of the dream you’re having, meaning you are in complete control of your body, and you have some control over the environment. Find a large, completely blank white wall anywhere in your dream, but it works better if there are little to no projections (people in your dream) around. Walk up to it, but face away from it, and start pacing. You’ll want to pace perpendicular from it, and count each turn. On “ten,” you should be walking up to the wall, NOT away from it. You only have about a half a minute to do this next part.

Press the front of your body against the wall, your palms flat against it, close your eyes, and slowly, gently apply pressure. You’re trying to push yourself through it. It should give in like a wall of soft clay, and once you feel you’ve passed through it, you can open your eyes. If you look behind you, there is no wall, but the hole you just pushed through. It may or may not close up.

The rest of the area around you will be completely black, even the floor; it’ll look like you’re standing on nothing. When I first discovered this place, I thought it was bottomless, because I dropped a coin and it kept falling with no sound of it landing. I was afraid of it for a long time before a few projections showed me it was safe. Sometimes, when you go through the wall, you might feel a drop, as if the invisible floor of the blackness is a step down, but other times it’ll be a straight shot. I think it depends on where you enter.

If the hole behind you closes, it will be more difficult to return to your normal dream world. Don’t worry about that. Start walking in any direction (you can even walk behind the hole if it’s still open), and just keep walking until something happens. During your walk, it will be completely silent, and it might be kind of cold. By the way, if you want to take people with you, you must all enter through the same wall during the same thirty second interval. I’ve found that, if you enter at different intervals, you’ll enter at completely different areas, and it’s unlikely you’ll find each other.

What is this place? It’s a way to explore other universes… or at least one of the ways I’ve found. If you keep walking, eventually, the darkness will fade, and you will be in the middle of some random area in a different universe. You may or may not meet up with a different version of you. Be careful, because not all universes are… nice. I once entered a world where there were weird creatures that had uncontrollable sex drives… I was with two other people, and I was the only one who was able to run successfully without getting… assaulted. There was another weird sex one where… and I vomited… I encountered a family of a mother, father, and two very young children, a boy and a girl. I was first disgusted that the parents started having sex in front of their kids, but then their kids started getting involved with each other, and as I noped on out of there, I was pretty sure it was a family orgy. I was not okay with that.

There was a recent one where all of the people were short and adorable, short as in like three feet tall. They were all happy and easily frightened. The thing was, they were frightened of yelling, anger, and tall people, and as happy as they usually were, if someone yelled, was angry, or was tall, they’d know they weren’t from their world, and they’d kill them. Well, my friends and I were much taller, but were able to trick them by crawling on the ground… they weren’t that bright. It wasn’t easy to get out of there. I had another experience where a different version of myself had been captured and tortured by Annatier, and I had to fight her to free myself… confusing. I used a sword. Annatier’s fortress was guarded by her creatures.

The worst one I’ve visited twice now is one where everything is industrial, and everyone who is not the government is considered an experiment, whether mental or physical. The first time, a very drunk version of Erin has sold my rats to a gang of drifters, and they were trapped in a tennis ball container of all things. I had to try over and over again to save them, but it wasn’t easy because I had to navigate an impossible roller coaster of tracks that were broken in places. In my second visit, I had to run around a government facility to save my friends while pretending to be under the governments control. I freed some of them, but security was alerted, and we had to fight several… creatures… that took the shape of people we knew and trusted. I had a knife this time, and we all agreed not to attack anyone until they attacked first, but I panicked and accidentally stabbed a friend through the hand, and another in the leg. After that battle, we split up to find the others, but I was put in a difficult situation. The rest were held in the same prison that was a metal box with breathing holes, so I couldn’t see them. Some agents told me, “to let them out, you have to give yourself up. Otherwise, we will force feed them poison.” One of my friends said, “don’t worry about us, save yourself, we’re willing to die for you.” It made me feel like them being trapped was my fault, and I gave myself up. I was given a pill that knocked me out, and I woke up in a classroom to attend some mind control class. I resisted the mind control, but pretended it got to me, and was able to find my friends again and help them escape. I was captured again when we were trekking the sewers, and put back in class. The others escaped. As far as I know, I didn’t get out.

But I’ve found interesting universes that were nice. I landed in the middle of a market that had a sort of food garage sale. They were offering a variety of foods for a very small price, and food that was nearing expiration was free. In that world, the government required several communities to get together once or twice a week to get together their own food, go to the market, and do this so that those who could not afford to feed themselves very often could have a chance to get some “groceries” for the week. In our world, it would be chaos, and people would be pushing each other so that they could get food before anyone else, but this world was very polite, and everyone was kind to each other, so it was completely docile.

In another world, I was on a ship and made friends with a dolphin and sea pig… which was just a pig, but could breath under water. They both could talk. There was one that was all nature, no houses, and all the little creatures would say hello to me and watch me collect different shiny items I found in weird places. I asked them about the items, and they said I could collect as many as I wanted as long as I didn’t take any with me when I left their world. So I’d empty my pockets in a single area to show them I wasn’t stealing. Before I left, they started hiding them again… I guess it was fun for them.

There’s an area I find myself in often where there’s a game for couples. You had to go through a set of obstacles while singing the song it played, and posing in the right spot in various, fluffy lovebird poses. It was very mushy. But at the end, you’d come to a secret meadow the was cut off from the rest of the world for you and your lover to have a picnic and relax. No one else was allowed to go into the meadow until the game was played in reverse to get out.

I know there are more worlds, including one where I met a version of myself who loved to get drunk and party all night… but I don’t have time to explain them all. I’m sure you’re wondering how to get back to the world you started out in. Well, usually, even if the hole is still open, you can’t ever find it again. Like I said, don’t worry too much, because after you wake up, your next dream will start in a world outside of the black dimension. The only time you should worry is if you find yourself unable to escape from a scary universe. I usually try to scream to get myself to scream in real life and wake me up, but it never works. Try to wake your body up, if it doesn’t work, just keep running and trying to find a way out.

Another warning I have is, expect long walks. There was a time where I found a universe, but when I left, I didn’t find another one for the rest of my sleep, so I was just walking through blackness. Oh yeah, how do you leave the universes? Just like you left your first one; find a white wall, pace ten times, push through it.

Sometimes when you try to push through a wall, even the first one, it will remain solid. This might be because you did not pace ten times, you may’ve missed your interval to go through, or you haven’t relaxed and aren’t concentrating hard enough. It took me some practice, but I had some people in-dream to help me out.

If you manage to do this, please let me know how it goes, I’m very curious to see if others have the same experience.

 

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I never understood the term “millennial,” so I decided to look it up. There are different opinions on when the generation started and when it ended, but they all seem to include people born roughly between the early 80’s and the 2000’s. No matter which one people accept, 1990 always falls in the generation, so I’m considered a millennial. But there are many stereotypes associated with this generation, stereotypes that I’ve only recently started hearing. Apparently we’re liberal and narcissistic. I cannot call myself a liberal, for I have my share of conservative views, and I tend to think hardcore liberals are pretentious, acting like they’re fighting for a cause when all they’re doing is complaining and not doing shit about the problem. Yeah, I complain, but at least I don’t pretend I’m making a difference, though the small hope is there, the hope that maybe the right people will hear my complaints, people who have the power to change things, because I have no power.

However, the narcissistic stereotype worried me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I tend to punish myself for feeling normal pride because people have accused me of being self centered. My rational mind tells me that the only people who have ever accused me of being vain were people who knew nothing about me, but made assumptions based on word of mouth, misunderstandings, and little to no concrete evidence of me behaving in that way. Still, my paranoid mind tends to not want to listen to my rational one, which is one of my many flaws I sincerely dislike… uh… actually, hate. If I could think rationally when I most need to, I wouldn’t have to sabotage myself.

I don’t know how many times I’ve complained about people not being treated equally, or that good people need to be successful, not the bad people. Sure, as a child, I thought I was special, but don’t all children? Thankfully, even though I was as stupid of a teenager as all teenagers are, I at least had enough common sense to learn for myself that I’m no different from anybody else… well, I do know I’m better than people who make stupid decisions, but so is everyone else who is intelligent, so that still doesn’t make me better than everyone.

Even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t narcissistic, my paranoia said, “well, what if you’re a narcissist for thinking you’re not one?!” So, out of curiosity, I decided to take a few narcissist tests on different medical sites, not just any ol’ site like Quotev or something. With things like these, you need to take multiple tests to gather the most accurate information, not just take one and accept the result as proof. When a test is accurate, the multiple results will always be similar, so you can find the medium that determines where you lie on the scale.

PHEW. I’m not a narcissist. So here’s what you must do on personality tests: BE HONEST. Well, honesty is my code of honor, so naturally, I had to answer honestly, even if I wanted to check the boxes that describe the quality I’d like to have. A number of times, I checked a box, then reread the question, and said, “ah, that’s not entirely true,” and checked the one that was. It’s hard to be honest with yourself sometimes. If you’re insecure like me, lying to yourself on a test can make you feel like you’re fooling others into thinking you’re better than you really are, even though no one will ever see these answers or results. To overcome this, you must recognize and accept your flaws, and for many people, discrediting oneself is a huge fear. It makes people think that they’re bad because society wants us all to be perfect. One must accept their imperfections.

One quiz asked me a lot about how I treat other people, including associates and my love partner, who is currently Michael, and hopefully will be forever. I assumed “associates” meant friends, but it was hard to tell. I do my best not to purposefully hurt my loved ones, which are my friends and boyfriend. I could give less than a shit about people I’ve never even met; They’re not my problem. However, it seems I treat my love partner a lot better than whoever my associates are, and that’s because I’ve always valued love as sacred. Unfortunately, when off my medication, I do tend to blame things on other people that are my fault, including Michael, but that part of myself is not who I am, so I had to check “sometimes” on a few questions regarding hurting your love partner. I’m great when I’m medicated, so I haven’t done that for a long time, and even after I do those kinds of things, I can later own my mistakes when in my right mind.

So, what I learned was basically everything I already guessed about myself; I generally admit my faults and mistakes, I know when I’m wrong and don’t try to convince myself or anyone else that I’m right (except for when I am right, which in that case, no convincing of myself is needed), I’m unhealthily insecure (duh), I don’t take negative feedback well (double duh), I have overwhelming compassion toward people I care about, I actually am an introvert, and not a narcissist pretending to be one, I’m overly cautious about other people to the point where it’s not rational (DUUUH), I’m quick to come to conclusions that people are trying to hurt me when they’re not, I’m DEFINITELY not vain (yay!), I DEFINITELY don’t feel superior (DOUBLE YAY!!!), I don’t need, or want, to be the center of attention (i.e., exhibitionism), I often feel ashamed of myself, I do envy people who have something I don’t, and…. I feel EXTREMELY entitled. When I saw that one, I was like, “well shit.”

That last one I was not aware of, or had not accepted. It’s something I have tried to deny, so much so, I convinced myself that I did not feel that way. The thing is, the feeling is autonomous, I can’t turn it off, nor do I even actively think about it. It’s like walking or blinking. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, because it’s not. But after analyzing past behavior, I’ve come to realize that, not only do I unconsciously feel entitled, but I also unconsciously admit that it’s wrong, and I am ashamed of it. I often tell Michael, “you do so much for me, more than I deserve. I shouldn’t have to be a burden on you, I shouldn’t have to be constantly taken care of like a child. I do nothing for you that even compares to what you do for me, I don’t even know what I could do, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it because… I don’t even know why!” I always tell him that, if I ask him to do something for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself, he can refuse and tell me to do it myself. It does not make me angry or frustrated because I am capable of doing it. I also told him to let me know what I can do for him, but he rarely does… hell, he gets me awesome Pizza and Presents Day gifts, but he never even tells me what he wants me to give him! I went crazy on the italics there.

Last night, we were at Walmart, and he said he’d pay for the bread if I bought the pancakes (because they’re chocolate chip, and my sweet tooth goes CRAZY over them), but he forgot to pay for the bread, so I had to buy it anyway. He said, “I think you can spare the ninety-eight cents,” and I repeated, “I think I can spare the ninety-eight cents” in a sort of sarcastic, self-deprecating way. Then I said, “I mean, it’s not like you’ve done anything for me, right?” And he said, “no, not at all, I’ve never bought anything for you.” We are both very sarcastic people, so we are able to understand sarcasm well and laugh at the joke even though, technically, it’s insulting toward me. Well, if you can’t make fun of your faults, it’s harder to accept them, isn’t it? Acting this way is actually healthy, and when both you and your partner share the same opinions about said faults, it’s even easier to make fun of them. Truth be told, I really didn’t mind buying the bread. In fact, I buy his groceries when he asks me to because I am aware I never do anything for him. Well, I do, but only when he tells me to. I’m not sure why I do this, but I think it has something to do with another traumatizing factor of my childhood.

Welp, I ain’t perfect. I’ve always known this, I’ve always admitted this, and it’s not so hard for me to accept my bad qualities even though I resent them and would give anything to make them disappear. Sometimes you can’t fix things about yourself, especially when it’s too late, you’re an adult, and your brain does what it knows. So, if I feel entitled, I feel entitled. I don’t like it, it doesn’t make me happy, but that’s how it is. I feel ashamed of it, and that’s good, I should feel ashamed. I am also willing to help someone or do something for someone who has done everything for me, as long as it doesn’t stress me to the point of a panic attack. That’s… good and bad. It’s not great. It’s… acceptable in my book, and for the people who love me, it’s also acceptable in theirs. It shouldn’t be. That makes me both love them even more and hate myself even more. But still, I can admit it, and that alone is a quality that should be respected.

So, I may not be a great person, I have my definitive faults, I have poor qualities that are highly shameful and looked down upon….

BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT A NARCISSIST.