Spread the Word of Awesome!

Okay, so here’s the deal. Too many creators of Sims CC have this idea in their heads that they can restrict other people from using their content in certain ways; not including the mesh when recoloring, not modifying the mesh, not posting their creations on other websites even with credit, and worst of all, charging money for “exclusive” content. Sometimes it’s just because creators didn’t read EA’s service agreement… and sometimes it’s outright vanity. Note that what I post here comes straight from EA and the Sims team, and are absolute fact.

 

First off, section five of the service agreement: https://www.ea.com/terms-of-service#section5

 

“You are responsible for your UGC. You may not upload UGC that infringes a third party’s intellectual property rights or that violates the law, this Agreement or a third party’s right of privacy or right of publicity.

EA may, in its sole discretion, remove, edit or disable UGC for any reason, including if EA reasonably determines that UGC violates this Agreement. EA does not assume any responsibility or liability for UGC, for removing it, or not removing it or other Content. EA does not pre-screen all UGC and does not endorse or approve any UGC available on EA Services.

When you contribute UGC, you grant to EA, its licensors and licensees a non-exclusive, perpetual, transferable, worldwide, sublicensable license to use, host, store, reproduce, modify, create derivative works, publicly perform, publicly display or otherwise transmit and communicate the UGC, or any portion thereof, in any manner or form and in any medium or forum, whether now known or hereafter devised, without notice, payment or attribution of any kind to you or any third party. You also grant all other users who can access and use your UGC on an EA Service the right to use, copy, modify, display, perform, create derivative works from, and otherwise communicate and distribute your UGC on or through the relevant EA Service without further notice, attribution or compensation to you.”

 

I went ahead and asked for a short of “dumbed down” summary of this section. I was told this: https://answers.ea.com/t5/Game-Information/inquiry-about-EA-service-agreement/m-p/6476531/highlight/false#M1933

 

 

Also:

 

“As per the User Agreement, all user generated content (UGC) cannot be restricted by the creator if they use EA game assets. UGC includes not only CC or mods, UGC can also be screenshots from the game, videos, or content you upload to the Gallery.

By restricting we mean the following:

  • Requires payment
  • Requires creator permission

 

However, even if not required, it is considered common courtesy to credit a creator if you re-use and slightly modify their created content.”

 

And lastly, from a SimGuru: http://forums.thesims.com/en_US/discussion/comment/16175450/#Comment_16175450

 

“CC/Mods locked behind a paywall and Patreon.

  1. CC/Mods Locked Behind Paywalls – Creators cannot lock content they make using our game behind a paywall. While we do not police this content (there is no way we would create a team simply to monitor this) we do take reports sent to us seriously and action accordingly.
  2. Patreon – We understand that folks who make CC / Mods for others to enjoy are doing it in their free time and may desire to offset costs to create the content by using this service. As long as the content is still made available FOR FREE we do not mind these types of pages. Folks who have a Patreon page are welcome to provide folks with “early access” incentives for their content but it should be made available to the general public within 2-3 weeks of it being given to folks early.”

 

I think all of that is pretty clear. I myself was under the assumption some time ago that I owned my CC, and that I could say things like, “you cannot recolor without my permission!! You can’t include the mesh!!!” Welp, I was wrong, just like many creators are. OR SOME PEOPLE DON’T CARE LIKE PANDORASIMS. That site indeed steals free content from creators and demands you pay a monthly fee to have access to all of it. They even say on their contact page: *WARNING: NSFW-ADULT CONTENT-18+*http://pandorasims.net/contact.html

 

“READ BEFORE EMAILING! EMAILS that WILL get deleted:

 

  1. Asking about anything not related to this site.
  2. Stupid stuff like just saying hello.
  3. Requests for free subscriptions.
  4. About what I am doing is wrong. Tough tits I’m doing it I DON’T CARE what YOU think! I don’t even read these emails don’t waste your time!
  5. Copyright bullshit. These are unofficial mods they have NO copyright so All your mods are belong to me!
  6. About how you paid for mods your paying for the convenience and the self installer which makes YOUR life easier that’s what YOUR paying for!
  7. ANY spam will automatically get deleted and your email BLOCKED FOREVER. So your wasting your time!
  8. ANY urls or web address’s will be blocked. SO kiss my ass spammers!”

 

As far as I know, the site is ran by one person, and they sound like some angsty teen who likes to break any rule because that makes them “hardcore.” On the FAQ, it says: http://pandorasims.net/faq.html

 

Q: Do you realize what your doing is unethical and wrong?!
A: No it’s not because everything created in the sims is unofficial mods and they have NO copyright.”

 

That answer is NOT correct. But of course, if you were to try and email them with the correct information, they’d “delete it sucka!” Some of YOUR stuff might even be on PandoraSims. Please urge anyone with an account to cancel it, and report the site to EA to help get it shut down. It’s not just unethical, it’s illegal.

As for actual creators, yes, we must have common courtesy and credit anyone whose work we use, but creators must also know that they cannot put such restrictions on their content. All of this should not be used as an excuse to claim other people’s work as your own, but it SHOULD be used to broaden creative freedom and abolish fear mongering. We may all use any CC however we want, and that opens up new and broader opportunities for artists developing this content, but we should not be rude about it.

If you’re on Patreon, and you have exclusive content only available to people who donate, please consider the facts and operate honestly, allow all of your content to anyone, and simply switch to the early access option mentioned above. Know your rights as creators.

A recent incident has caused Emma’s Simposium to shut down because Emma was being constantly harassed by eight Patreon users, the “leader” being Leosims. Leosims allegedly said that no matter where Emma went or what she did, Leosims would be there and she would destroy Emma and Emma’s Simposium.

For those of you who do not know what Emma’s Simposium was, it was a site that provided lost content, as well as content that the original creators demand money for. Every item was credited, and as said above, she had every right to post that stuff. Still, she was being harassed, so she quit providing Patreon content. Apparently someone else took that up, but Leosims and seven unnamed creators accused the person of being Emma, and ended up threating them. An email from Emma began with, “When I decided to give up the paid/patreon content and let someone else carry the burden for a while I thought that would be the end of it and I could focus on the missing content and create a new site that would out shine any other site that offered to find and share missing content. But that was not the case. After enduring a ton of harassment and being threatened even after I no longer had anything to do with the sharing of patreon content and the threats to an innocent person that had nothing to do with the patreon content I have decided to quit the sims all together. Believe me this decision did not come easy and comes with a heavy heart.”

This was all because a few creators don’t understand (or care) about the law. It is disgusting that someone would do this when it is within their rights. I can only imagine the cruelty that these creators decided to bestow upon innocent people in order to “destroy” them. Leosims and those seven other creators should feel ashamed of themselves, and Leosims needs to get off her high horse and start obeying the law. Not only that, she has ensured that missing and payment exclusive content cannot be provided for people.

There are quite a few creators that restrict their CC behind a paywall; Maysims, Newsea, and Butterflysims are the ones that come to mind immediately. Any attempts to contact them about the issue go unanswered… hell, MaySims’ contact form doesn’t even work. There are plenty of people who want to fight against payment exclusive content, but let’s face it, the bad guys always win.

If any creator who does these things sees this, I have provided you with the hard facts, and if you disagree with them, you are wrong. There are links and everything. Instead of acting like little school children and saying, “nuh-uh!” go do the research yourself, this case isn’t too hard, all you’ve got to do is read the service agreement and contact some actual game developers and employees of the company. Wait… I’ve done that for you. But if you want to go in a circle, go ahead. Perhaps it’ll give you the hard slap in the face you clearly need.

Leosims and your seven sheep, you did a horrible thing, and I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

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“I Should Play God”

So sick of stupid ass shits who think they’re so “hardcore” because they can say whatever shit they want to anyone and think they can get away with it. Don’t even have the fucking brain capacity to think and consider their actions. It’s like if you express any intelligence to reason with them, and they respond with, “duhr hur yer legs r stoopid!” And they’ll never learn because they’re stupid fucks who rely on mommy and daddy to provide for them. Maybe they’ll learn when they go out into the real world, get denied a loan, can’t find a job, have to live on the street selling blow jobs, begging for drugs, and getting mugged and raped until they’re lucky enough for someone to take a gun to their fucking heads and do us all a fucking favor. Or maybe they’ll learn when they push someone too far, and that person finds where they live and shoots them in the fucking head. “I’m tired of waiting, I should play god and shoot you myself.” It’s so easy to get a gun in Murica. Too bad I don’t like them. I don’t like loud sounds. Mama, when are you going to come around and put it back the way it ought to be?

I discovered a regular thing I can do in my dreams, and since I mostly believe dreams have to do with the multiverse theory, I wanted to see if you guys wanted to try this, and if your results are the same.

This only works if you are mostly in control of the dream you’re having, meaning you are in complete control of your body, and you have some control over the environment. Find a large, completely blank white wall anywhere in your dream, but it works better if there are little to no projections (people in your dream) around. Walk up to it, but face away from it, and start pacing. You’ll want to pace perpendicular from it, and count each turn. On “ten,” you should be walking up to the wall, NOT away from it. You only have about a half a minute to do this next part.

Press the front of your body against the wall, your palms flat against it, close your eyes, and slowly, gently apply pressure. You’re trying to push yourself through it. It should give in like a wall of soft clay, and once you feel you’ve passed through it, you can open your eyes. If you look behind you, there is no wall, but the hole you just pushed through. It may or may not close up.

The rest of the area around you will be completely black, even the floor; it’ll look like you’re standing on nothing. When I first discovered this place, I thought it was bottomless, because I dropped a coin and it kept falling with no sound of it landing. I was afraid of it for a long time before a few projections showed me it was safe. Sometimes, when you go through the wall, you might feel a drop, as if the invisible floor of the blackness is a step down, but other times it’ll be a straight shot. I think it depends on where you enter.

If the hole behind you closes, it will be more difficult to return to your normal dream world. Don’t worry about that. Start walking in any direction (you can even walk behind the hole if it’s still open), and just keep walking until something happens. During your walk, it will be completely silent, and it might be kind of cold. By the way, if you want to take people with you, you must all enter through the same wall during the same thirty second interval. I’ve found that, if you enter at different intervals, you’ll enter at completely different areas, and it’s unlikely you’ll find each other.

What is this place? It’s a way to explore other universes… or at least one of the ways I’ve found. If you keep walking, eventually, the darkness will fade, and you will be in the middle of some random area in a different universe. You may or may not meet up with a different version of you. Be careful, because not all universes are… nice. I once entered a world where there were weird creatures that had uncontrollable sex drives… I was with two other people, and I was the only one who was able to run successfully without getting… assaulted. There was another weird sex one where… and I vomited… I encountered a family of a mother, father, and two very young children, a boy and a girl. I was first disgusted that the parents started having sex in front of their kids, but then their kids started getting involved with each other, and as I noped on out of there, I was pretty sure it was a family orgy. I was not okay with that.

There was a recent one where all of the people were short and adorable, short as in like three feet tall. They were all happy and easily frightened. The thing was, they were frightened of yelling, anger, and tall people, and as happy as they usually were, if someone yelled, was angry, or was tall, they’d know they weren’t from their world, and they’d kill them. Well, my friends and I were much taller, but were able to trick them by crawling on the ground… they weren’t that bright. It wasn’t easy to get out of there. I had another experience where a different version of myself had been captured and tortured by Annatier, and I had to fight her to free myself… confusing. I used a sword. Annatier’s fortress was guarded by her creatures.

The worst one I’ve visited twice now is one where everything is industrial, and everyone who is not the government is considered an experiment, whether mental or physical. The first time, a very drunk version of Erin has sold my rats to a gang of drifters, and they were trapped in a tennis ball container of all things. I had to try over and over again to save them, but it wasn’t easy because I had to navigate an impossible roller coaster of tracks that were broken in places. In my second visit, I had to run around a government facility to save my friends while pretending to be under the governments control. I freed some of them, but security was alerted, and we had to fight several… creatures… that took the shape of people we knew and trusted. I had a knife this time, and we all agreed not to attack anyone until they attacked first, but I panicked and accidentally stabbed a friend through the hand, and another in the leg. After that battle, we split up to find the others, but I was put in a difficult situation. The rest were held in the same prison that was a metal box with breathing holes, so I couldn’t see them. Some agents told me, “to let them out, you have to give yourself up. Otherwise, we will force feed them poison.” One of my friends said, “don’t worry about us, save yourself, we’re willing to die for you.” It made me feel like them being trapped was my fault, and I gave myself up. I was given a pill that knocked me out, and I woke up in a classroom to attend some mind control class. I resisted the mind control, but pretended it got to me, and was able to find my friends again and help them escape. I was captured again when we were trekking the sewers, and put back in class. The others escaped. As far as I know, I didn’t get out.

But I’ve found interesting universes that were nice. I landed in the middle of a market that had a sort of food garage sale. They were offering a variety of foods for a very small price, and food that was nearing expiration was free. In that world, the government required several communities to get together once or twice a week to get together their own food, go to the market, and do this so that those who could not afford to feed themselves very often could have a chance to get some “groceries” for the week. In our world, it would be chaos, and people would be pushing each other so that they could get food before anyone else, but this world was very polite, and everyone was kind to each other, so it was completely docile.

In another world, I was on a ship and made friends with a dolphin and sea pig… which was just a pig, but could breath under water. They both could talk. There was one that was all nature, no houses, and all the little creatures would say hello to me and watch me collect different shiny items I found in weird places. I asked them about the items, and they said I could collect as many as I wanted as long as I didn’t take any with me when I left their world. So I’d empty my pockets in a single area to show them I wasn’t stealing. Before I left, they started hiding them again… I guess it was fun for them.

There’s an area I find myself in often where there’s a game for couples. You had to go through a set of obstacles while singing the song it played, and posing in the right spot in various, fluffy lovebird poses. It was very mushy. But at the end, you’d come to a secret meadow the was cut off from the rest of the world for you and your lover to have a picnic and relax. No one else was allowed to go into the meadow until the game was played in reverse to get out.

I know there are more worlds, including one where I met a version of myself who loved to get drunk and party all night… but I don’t have time to explain them all. I’m sure you’re wondering how to get back to the world you started out in. Well, usually, even if the hole is still open, you can’t ever find it again. Like I said, don’t worry too much, because after you wake up, your next dream will start in a world outside of the black dimension. The only time you should worry is if you find yourself unable to escape from a scary universe. I usually try to scream to get myself to scream in real life and wake me up, but it never works. Try to wake your body up, if it doesn’t work, just keep running and trying to find a way out.

Another warning I have is, expect long walks. There was a time where I found a universe, but when I left, I didn’t find another one for the rest of my sleep, so I was just walking through blackness. Oh yeah, how do you leave the universes? Just like you left your first one; find a white wall, pace ten times, push through it.

Sometimes when you try to push through a wall, even the first one, it will remain solid. This might be because you did not pace ten times, you may’ve missed your interval to go through, or you haven’t relaxed and aren’t concentrating hard enough. It took me some practice, but I had some people in-dream to help me out.

If you manage to do this, please let me know how it goes, I’m very curious to see if others have the same experience.

 

Petition for Photobucket

Please share and sign this petition: https://www.change.org/p/photobucket-reverse-the-photobucket-third-party-rule?source_location=minibar

I never understood the term “millennial,” so I decided to look it up. There are different opinions on when the generation started and when it ended, but they all seem to include people born roughly between the early 80’s and the 2000’s. No matter which one people accept, 1990 always falls in the generation, so I’m considered a millennial. But there are many stereotypes associated with this generation, stereotypes that I’ve only recently started hearing. Apparently we’re liberal and narcissistic. I cannot call myself a liberal, for I have my share of conservative views, and I tend to think hardcore liberals are pretentious, acting like they’re fighting for a cause when all they’re doing is complaining and not doing shit about the problem. Yeah, I complain, but at least I don’t pretend I’m making a difference, though the small hope is there, the hope that maybe the right people will hear my complaints, people who have the power to change things, because I have no power.

However, the narcissistic stereotype worried me. For those of you who know me well, you know that I tend to punish myself for feeling normal pride because people have accused me of being self centered. My rational mind tells me that the only people who have ever accused me of being vain were people who knew nothing about me, but made assumptions based on word of mouth, misunderstandings, and little to no concrete evidence of me behaving in that way. Still, my paranoid mind tends to not want to listen to my rational one, which is one of my many flaws I sincerely dislike… uh… actually, hate. If I could think rationally when I most need to, I wouldn’t have to sabotage myself.

I don’t know how many times I’ve complained about people not being treated equally, or that good people need to be successful, not the bad people. Sure, as a child, I thought I was special, but don’t all children? Thankfully, even though I was as stupid of a teenager as all teenagers are, I at least had enough common sense to learn for myself that I’m no different from anybody else… well, I do know I’m better than people who make stupid decisions, but so is everyone else who is intelligent, so that still doesn’t make me better than everyone.

Even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t narcissistic, my paranoia said, “well, what if you’re a narcissist for thinking you’re not one?!” So, out of curiosity, I decided to take a few narcissist tests on different medical sites, not just any ol’ site like Quotev or something. With things like these, you need to take multiple tests to gather the most accurate information, not just take one and accept the result as proof. When a test is accurate, the multiple results will always be similar, so you can find the medium that determines where you lie on the scale.

PHEW. I’m not a narcissist. So here’s what you must do on personality tests: BE HONEST. Well, honesty is my code of honor, so naturally, I had to answer honestly, even if I wanted to check the boxes that describe the quality I’d like to have. A number of times, I checked a box, then reread the question, and said, “ah, that’s not entirely true,” and checked the one that was. It’s hard to be honest with yourself sometimes. If you’re insecure like me, lying to yourself on a test can make you feel like you’re fooling others into thinking you’re better than you really are, even though no one will ever see these answers or results. To overcome this, you must recognize and accept your flaws, and for many people, discrediting oneself is a huge fear. It makes people think that they’re bad because society wants us all to be perfect. One must accept their imperfections.

One quiz asked me a lot about how I treat other people, including associates and my love partner, who is currently Michael, and hopefully will be forever. I assumed “associates” meant friends, but it was hard to tell. I do my best not to purposefully hurt my loved ones, which are my friends and boyfriend. I could give less than a shit about people I’ve never even met; They’re not my problem. However, it seems I treat my love partner a lot better than whoever my associates are, and that’s because I’ve always valued love as sacred. Unfortunately, when off my medication, I do tend to blame things on other people that are my fault, including Michael, but that part of myself is not who I am, so I had to check “sometimes” on a few questions regarding hurting your love partner. I’m great when I’m medicated, so I haven’t done that for a long time, and even after I do those kinds of things, I can later own my mistakes when in my right mind.

So, what I learned was basically everything I already guessed about myself; I generally admit my faults and mistakes, I know when I’m wrong and don’t try to convince myself or anyone else that I’m right (except for when I am right, which in that case, no convincing of myself is needed), I’m unhealthily insecure (duh), I don’t take negative feedback well (double duh), I have overwhelming compassion toward people I care about, I actually am an introvert, and not a narcissist pretending to be one, I’m overly cautious about other people to the point where it’s not rational (DUUUH), I’m quick to come to conclusions that people are trying to hurt me when they’re not, I’m DEFINITELY not vain (yay!), I DEFINITELY don’t feel superior (DOUBLE YAY!!!), I don’t need, or want, to be the center of attention (i.e., exhibitionism), I often feel ashamed of myself, I do envy people who have something I don’t, and…. I feel EXTREMELY entitled. When I saw that one, I was like, “well shit.”

That last one I was not aware of, or had not accepted. It’s something I have tried to deny, so much so, I convinced myself that I did not feel that way. The thing is, the feeling is autonomous, I can’t turn it off, nor do I even actively think about it. It’s like walking or blinking. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, because it’s not. But after analyzing past behavior, I’ve come to realize that, not only do I unconsciously feel entitled, but I also unconsciously admit that it’s wrong, and I am ashamed of it. I often tell Michael, “you do so much for me, more than I deserve. I shouldn’t have to be a burden on you, I shouldn’t have to be constantly taken care of like a child. I do nothing for you that even compares to what you do for me, I don’t even know what I could do, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it because… I don’t even know why!” I always tell him that, if I ask him to do something for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself, he can refuse and tell me to do it myself. It does not make me angry or frustrated because I am capable of doing it. I also told him to let me know what I can do for him, but he rarely does… hell, he gets me awesome Pizza and Presents Day gifts, but he never even tells me what he wants me to give him! I went crazy on the italics there.

Last night, we were at Walmart, and he said he’d pay for the bread if I bought the pancakes (because they’re chocolate chip, and my sweet tooth goes CRAZY over them), but he forgot to pay for the bread, so I had to buy it anyway. He said, “I think you can spare the ninety-eight cents,” and I repeated, “I think I can spare the ninety-eight cents” in a sort of sarcastic, self-deprecating way. Then I said, “I mean, it’s not like you’ve done anything for me, right?” And he said, “no, not at all, I’ve never bought anything for you.” We are both very sarcastic people, so we are able to understand sarcasm well and laugh at the joke even though, technically, it’s insulting toward me. Well, if you can’t make fun of your faults, it’s harder to accept them, isn’t it? Acting this way is actually healthy, and when both you and your partner share the same opinions about said faults, it’s even easier to make fun of them. Truth be told, I really didn’t mind buying the bread. In fact, I buy his groceries when he asks me to because I am aware I never do anything for him. Well, I do, but only when he tells me to. I’m not sure why I do this, but I think it has something to do with another traumatizing factor of my childhood.

Welp, I ain’t perfect. I’ve always known this, I’ve always admitted this, and it’s not so hard for me to accept my bad qualities even though I resent them and would give anything to make them disappear. Sometimes you can’t fix things about yourself, especially when it’s too late, you’re an adult, and your brain does what it knows. So, if I feel entitled, I feel entitled. I don’t like it, it doesn’t make me happy, but that’s how it is. I feel ashamed of it, and that’s good, I should feel ashamed. I am also willing to help someone or do something for someone who has done everything for me, as long as it doesn’t stress me to the point of a panic attack. That’s… good and bad. It’s not great. It’s… acceptable in my book, and for the people who love me, it’s also acceptable in theirs. It shouldn’t be. That makes me both love them even more and hate myself even more. But still, I can admit it, and that alone is a quality that should be respected.

So, I may not be a great person, I have my definitive faults, I have poor qualities that are highly shameful and looked down upon….

BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT A NARCISSIST.

If I Could, I Would

It’s 9:30 AM, got woken up around seven or eight by my rat, Jerry, chewing on the bars. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Haven’t taken my medicine yet. Yesterday I saw a comment on an old video showing anger toward mother’s day that accused me of lying about my past. I wish I had copied it before I deleted it to quote here, but I wasn’t planning on ranting about this. Bad mood. Worse mood. It started out with, “That’s a lie!!!!” It then proceeded to tell me that everything I said in the video, everything I said about what Erin did to me, did not happen, that I was “painting a picture for my fans.”

Everyone knows I don’t lie by choice. I didn’t want to include the comment in a Hall of Shame video because that series is for entertainment, not for comments that get to me. This got to me. Maybe it’s because I still have to fucking deal with it, I still have to struggle with the problems she gave me. They even said that the police had been called because of ME, and not because of her. I wanted to chew this person out, but instead, I simply said, “either learn how to swim, or get out of the gene pool. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.” Here’s what I wanted to say.

How DARE you? For one, how can you possibly say something didn’t happen if you weren’t even there? You have no right or reason to claim something that isn’t true if you don’t know if it was or not. For two, I don’t lie, honesty is my code of honor. Sorry if you’re a two-faced lying bitch, but I’m not. For three, oh? It didn’t happen? So I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for no reason? I have constant night terrors every night for months at a time because I “painted a picture?” I have flashbacks, break downs, attacks, and my adult life has been ruined due to my broken childhood because why? My hatred for the woman who gave birth to me and was supposed to love me gives me permanent resentment toward parents and family in general, I have witnesses, which is the reason why custody was taken away from her in the first place! I was a child of the state! I had to be fucking ADOPTED by my grandmother, who was the one adult who finally saw what she was doing to me! February 14, 2007. That day, my entire life changed. And each year, on February 14, I get shell shock. It’s not as bad as it was a few years ago, but it still happens. But oh, I must be lying about that too, huh? Just because someone on the internet isn’t afraid to hide their demons, doesn’t mean they’re PAINTING A FUCKING PICTURE, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. Good for you for having a loving, caring mommy! Good for you for being so PERFECT! Good for you for being a fucking IDIOT!! There are things I can’t do now because of what she did! NORMAL things! Like talk on the phone, for one! I’m TERRIFIED of anyone taller than me! I can’t wake people up if I wake up before them! I can’t assist someone unless I ask for permission first! People raising their voice, holding up their hand too quickly, holding up cooking utensils, ALL of that makes me flinch with fear! THAT’S NOT FUCKING NORMAL!! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BRAT THAT ASSUMES THAT, IF SOMEONE HAS HAD A BAD LIFE, THEY’RE LYING BECAUSE THE WORLD CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THAT CRUEL, RIGHT?! Get a fucking reality check! YOU’RE A MORON!! You’re one of the types of people that helps society rot in their own waste, and then throws it around at everyone with a fucking brain so that they have to deal with it too! YOU’RE A SHEEP!! Do you know what happens to sheep? THEY GET SLAUGHTERED!! I sincerely hope that something terrible happens to you. An accident, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, ANYTHING! People like you need to fucking DIE. To quote MJK, “I should play god and shoot you myself.” You’re fucking LUCKY that I’m not the type of person to hunt you down. I’d force you to look at every scar on my body that she directly caused, then I’d give you EVERY detail of the things she did to me, to the point where you lose faith in all of humanity, and finally, I’d do TERRIBLE things to you. But that’s one of the reasons I’m on medication, because I’m not just a danger to myself, I’m a danger to OTHER PEOPLE TOO. And when I take my meds today, this comment isn’t going to bug me so much, I’ll just shake my head at your stupidity, though I will still hope that you get what you deserve because the medication doesn’t change how I feel, it just makes it so I don’t feel things at extremes. But there’s a reason why people I know in person are AFRAID to piss me off. It’s because they know what I’m capable of. I’ve had countless people describe me as “scary,” and that’s not being overly dramatic. Yeah, I can say shit on the internet, but it doesn’t have nearly as much effect as it does in person, when you can see my eyes, hear my voice, read my body language, and feel my rage. I’d be your WORST NIGHTMARE, you stupid, egotistical cunt. You’d regret every single moment of your life where you deliberately tried to mess with someone’s head. Next time, you might not get so lucky. You might mess with someone who is the type to come hunt you down, and they’ll do it. They’ll find you, they’ll torture and kill you, and you know what? I hope they do. I hope that happens to you. If I could, I’d give you all of my memories of her, my trauma, the problems she caused, my nightmares, my fears, EVERYTHING. I’d give them all to you so that you’d have to deal with it, and I’d be free. You’d kill yourself. You would FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. And I would not care. Then again, if I gave you all of the problems she caused, I wouldn’t be a sociopath, so I probably would care! Because empathy is a weakness! But right now, I’m wishing horrible things on you, things I’d NEVER wish upon anyone, things I won’t dare say on the internet because they are that terrible. I may be a fucked up person, I may have more problems than I can handle, I may be a victim to my own psyche, BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT WHATEVER YOU ARE. And if your life is already shitty, and you’re just pushing your misery onto other people, you DESERVE your shitty life. You deserve MORE than a shitty life. You are less than scum. Do us all a favor and die before you have the chance to reproduce.

Why didn’t I say all of that? Because I’m not that far gone. It’s only been like ten hours since I last took my meds, and that’s not nearly enough time to lose myself. If I had been off my meds for a good couple of weeks, I’d have written that, probably something worse, and then I would’ve had an attack. Thankfully, I still have enough common sense to tell myself that that’s what they probably wanted. They wanted me to chew them out. They wanted to upset me. They were probably trying to get a video made about them. Well, they got one thing they wanted; it upset me. While “Annatier” is whispering in my ear to teach this person a lesson, my sanity is yelling in my other ear that it’s not worth it, that this person isn’t worth it. My sanity is also telling me that ranting about it is a waste of my time, but hey, I’m far from perfect. Still, my fantasies are kept from bleeding into my reality, so I can live another day with a flawlessly blank criminal record.

In the most unrealistic of fantasy worlds, I’m friends with Hannibal Lecter, and we’d make sure this person was cooked to perfection. Of course, I would not partake in the consumption because I’m a vegetarian, but at least Hannibal would get to enjoy prime lamb.

My sanity tells me having fantasies like that is childish. Well, that’s what happens when you never got the chance to be a child. At least I can still differentiate between reality and fantasy, though sometimes I wish I couldn’t. Then I could lose myself in those fantasies to escape reality, and I could live in a world that follows my laws, with fictional characters surrounding me that do as I want them to do, behave how I want them to behave.

Alas, this is why I’m not technically considered insane.

WARNING: Adult content.

I had a stream of different dreams last night, some nightmares that had me wake up in a cold sweat Will Graham style, and a few others that were… pleasant. I’ll try to keep this shorter, as I’ve got to leave at one o’clock for a dentist appointment; I had three teeth pulled last Tuesday, and this is the follow up.

The pleasant ones involve Randy, funnily enough. Remember how I said I hoped I never saw him again? Well, I did, but this time (we’re now speaking as if the dream/multiverse theory is 100% fact), I saw him in two different parallel universes.

The first one was a universe where I refused the offer to stay at my aunt and her wife’s house during the summer before senior year. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read this.) However, there was about a week long period where I didn’t call or text Randy at all, and it was because of a series of checkups with my doctor about my sleeping episodes and the goo I cough up. When I finally called Randy to meet me at the park, I gave him the TIGHTEST hug ever, though he showed some disdain, and he said, “I almost thought you forgot about me.” I told him that I felt guilty, that I should’ve called him, but next thing I knew it, it had been a week, but I definitely did not forget about him. By the way, because I wasn’t going to my aunt’s in this universe, that day in his room never happened. Still, it seemed to become more apparent to him that I was starting to like him back, and after hearing me tell him I had wanted to call him so badly, he was acting more confident. Not only that, but he almost seemed more mature, like how a controlled seventeen year old should be.

We walked around the park a bit, but I didn’t bring him into the forest; I was feeling selfish and didn’t want to distract him from me. He told me he stopped hanging around his old crew, he stopped doing drugs, drinking, tagging, and he hadn’t felt so calm in his entire life. “It’s like there’s nothing to be angry about,” he said. I noticed his hair was starting to grow out too. I said he should apologize to Max about how he treated him for so many years, but he confessed that he wasn’t ready to admit that wrong to him yet. “One step at a time, I guess,” I said. We walked and talked until it started to get dark, and then we hugged and parted ways.

I spent some time with my other friends for a couple of days, and then Steve called me, saying that there was a video game competition, and Randy wanted me to be on his team. It was a first person shooter we had played at his house, but I wasn’t very good at it. I said, “if Randy wants to win, he shouldn’t have me on his team.” Steve said that didn’t matter to him, he just wanted to do something special with me, and this warmed my heart. Of course, this still meant trying to win, so I spent a lot of time at their house practicing. I uh… still wasn’t too good. XD

I ended up seeing Randy’s room at some point, and unlike in the other universe, it was actually clean. There was no mirror that had been punched, probably having been discarded after Randy started to feel well enough to clean, the bed had sheets, wasn’t filthy, and there was no knife. Even the curtains were open. There were open spaces on the walls where I could tell posters had been torn down, and he had a neat stack of CD cases next to his stereo. When we were in there, his father told him to keep the door open, but he disobeyed, quietly shutting it and grinning at me. I felt nervous, but sneered flirtatiously, “are you expecting something to happen?” He sat me on the bed, sitting very close next to me, putting an arm around my waist and resting his forehead on my temple.

“I don’t expect anything, but I want it,” he said. I giggled, my heart pounding, and my teenage hormones were screaming at me. I still had some common sense, though, so all I did was gently touch his forearm, which was resting across his own lap. When I did, he placed that hand on my knee, nuzzled my temple with his nose, and admitted that he wanted to kiss me. I felt like Randy was the type of person to aggressively start a make out session, but that was the old Randy; this Randy was so under control, he no longer acted like a desperate boy, but a smooth man. I couldn’t help it. I turned my head and met his lips. It was brief, and he didn’t push it further, but his expression was the happiest I had ever seen on his face. We ended up lying on his bed and cuddling, though at some point he turned on some music, and that’s how I discovered we had similar tastes in that area. While we cuddled, we talked a little bit, but he kept caressing different parts of my body, though nothing too close to anything… important.

Steve ended up walking in, scolding Randy for disobeying their father and closing the door. Randy wasn’t even upset that he hadn’t knocked before entering, just shrugged it off and turned down his music to hear what his brother was saying. Steve noticed the lack of hostility, and that we both also were fully clothed, and he kept a friendly tone, even teasing Randy, saying, “were you making out with your girlfriend?” Randy calmly replied with a no, not even a blush, and I was so impressed, I never wanted to make out with him so badly. >_< (I guess I can’t keep this short, I have to go. Not that that matters to you, the reader… I’ll be back. o_O)

(Woo! No issues! I’m healing just fine!) Anyway, Steve convinced us to come out and practice with the video game again, so we did, joining him and Oliver. I mean… I was getting better… but my aim was off. It didn’t help that Randy and I kept flirting with each other. By the way, the game was some kind of US Military vs. Alien menace type thing, it took place on their planet, which was mostly purple and dark green, and I don’t exactly know the actual plot. Then their mother came home from work and decided to take us all out for dinner… she had a VAN now, so when we got to that blasted turn, she had us all get out and walk behind the vehicle until she cleared it. I remember crossing my fingers and saying, “please make it, please make it, please make it!” I kept expecting the van to topple over the cliff, but like I said in my last dream, she was an expert! She just didn’t want to risk killing all of us! And so, we got back into the van.

We were at like some… Italian restaurant or something, and the waiter was super rude for no reason. Then we ran into some religious nutcase that was so sexist against men, she started saying out loud that Randy’s mother and I would probably be tied in a basement and repeatedly raped if we associated with the four males for too long. Oliver was crying, and I could tell every single person in the family wanted to lash out at her, especially Randy, who was red in the face and clutching his fist. The family was too polite to shoot back, and Randy was trying to control his anger around me, but I was never one to not stand up for people I cared about. I stood right up, went to where her and her friend were sitting (which was within our view), and started chewing her out about how men and women were equal. I chose pretty colorful language, so she and everyone else within earshot were pretty appalled, parents covering their children’s ears, save for Oliver, because his parents were too shocked that I had the gall to do something like that. We didn’t get kicked out, but we got a strict warning, and the religious woman and her friend left.

After dinner, we took a walk around the town at night, Randy and I lagging behind everyone else, Oliver on Steve’s shoulders, the parents in the front. Randy told me that my standing up for guys was really awesome, and kind of sexy. I clutched his hand, leaning in close to him, and said, “sexy, huh?” I asked him if he thought I was sexy, and he laughed as if it were a stupid question, and he said, “you should know the answer to that by now.” I admitted in a whisper in his ear that I thought he was sexy too, and after that, our flirting became a little less PG, and I allowed his hands to have just a little more freedom when they wandered.

Before they drove back home, I said goodbye to them, and I told Randy I’d text him. I walked to my house… I still haven’t seen my parents in this universe! It was like… they were home, but I never actually saw them! I just went up to my room and thought about my now obvious boyfriend, even though neither of us actually said, “will you go out with me?” It was just something that didn’t need to be said. I wondered to myself how far I should let Randy go… I mean, I was seventeen (in this universe, I hadn’t lost my virginity yet), so it wasn’t like we were still kids. I also thought about our past, everything that Randy and his friends had done to me, and the drugging incident came to mind a few times. But I was changing him, just like Steve had said at the beginning of the summer. I couldn’t even remember the last time Randy had actually lost his temper, but then again, I didn’t see him as often as his family did, so I decided to shoot a text at Steve, asking him when the last time Randy blew up was. “Not since the school year when you and him weren’t talking.” I made a mental note to ask about that next time I saw them.

I didn’t go back to their house for a few days because I went to have a slumber party with my girl friends, which isn’t really the same thing as a bunch of tweens having a slumber party; we didn’t give each other makeovers or fight with pillows or talk about boys, no, we ate pizza, chips, ice cream, and watched a bunch of movies. I’m not as big of a horror junkie in this universe, so my tastes in films were more diverse. Even though I spent that time with them, I made sure not to neglect giving Randy attention this time, texting him whenever I had the chance. I remember one text that said, “our cat just threw up in Steve’s room. He was whining about it, and then I told him that all cats throw up, it’s normal. It’s normal, right?” I told him hairballs were normal, if the cat was throwing up food and junk frequently, there was something wrong. He confirmed that it was just a hairball.

I immediately went back to his house after a day to myself. I was drawing, apparently… of course I was a way better artist than I actually am… I don’t remember what it was though. Anyway, we were playing that video game as usual, but Randy started saying he was getting sort of bored, so he insisted he’d just watch us play. I soon learned that this was just an excuse to discreetly tease me while his brothers were distracted, and I tested to see how far he’d go if I didn’t protest. I didn’t stop him when he put his hands in between my legs, and this was obviously a triumph for him, so he didn’t stop… it was difficult for me to focus on my aim. T_T Eventually, I said I was bored too, and Randy and I casually mentioned we’d be in his room. Again, he closed the door, and I let him push me onto the bed, pin me to it, and kiss me as deeply as he wanted.

Both of his hands were busy playing with my hair, but I decided to pay him back with a firm grope through his pants. He broke the kiss and gave me a look that said, “I can’t believe you just did that.” I guess he didn’t expect me to be so forward, that maybe I’d ask first. But he didn’t ask, it was simply silent consent. I told him I couldn’t help it because he had turned me on, and he admitted that he’s fantasized about me for… pretty much the entire time he’s known me. His feisty happiness dampened when he brought up the drugging, and he said, “even though I already tried apologizing for that, I never stop guilting myself for it. I was such a selfish idiot, I was willing to become a criminal just so I could have you. I won’t ever expect you to forgive me.”

“And I won’t forgive you for that, but I can tell you’ve changed, so I think you’re trying to make up for all of those horrible things by creating new, better memories for us,” I replied. He said that he was in love with me, and he’d never hurt me again. He even said that he was considering going to a therapist to assist in his anger issues; even though he was in control at the moment, he didn’t want to risk an explosion. Ironic, huh? Because exactly that happened in the other universe. I said I was pretty sure I was in love with him too, and this was good enough for him at that moment, and we ended up getting pretty intimate. We didn’t have the opportunity to have sex because Steve rapped his knuckles hard on Randy’s door. He didn’t say anything, but it was enough to tell us that we needed to calm down and keep the door open. It wasn’t too much of a disappointment simply because we were happy just being together.

The video game competition toward the end of the summer turned out exactly as I expected: we lost. I mean, we didn’t lose too badly, we were in the top ten, but we didn’t make it to the finals. However, none of us were sore about it, not even Randy, because it had been loads of fun. We were sitting outside an ice cream parlor with cones in our hands, and Steve joked, “if you two hadn’t been making out so much, we would’ve won.” Randy said we only made out once, but Steve said, “really? Well your guys’ attention definitely wasn’t on the game, was it?” Oliver, being twelve, didn’t fully get what that meant, but Randy and I just laughed. When we were walking to his car to drive back to his house, he told us that, if we were going to try and fool around, we’d better do it when no one was home, like tomorrow around two. Nice hint there, Steven.

Long story short, the next day, their parents were out and Steve took Oliver to a movie. The teenagers left behind finally gave in to each other, and that was that. It certainly wasn’t the last time, either. Our relationship was… solid. There were no problems. I asked Randy what he got angry about the last time he blew up, and he said it was because he thought he fucked up when I first went to his house. He punched his mirror after we didn’t talk for a few days, wondering what he did wrong, and why he was so messed up, and then spent the rest of the school year in a deep depression. When summer started, and I came over the second time, he said he felt like the angry part of his soul had rushed out of his body in a single exhale. Still, he knew he wasn’t healthy, and he said, “if I want to continue being with you, I’m going to have to get help. I don’t want something to set me off and I end up hurting you.” He had become so sweet and thoughtful, and yet still retained his confidence and sassiness. It was like the old Randy had died.

The school year started, and Randy ended up refusing to hang out with John and Jose when they first approached him, saying that they no longer shared the same interests, and they were both flabbergasted to see him holding my hand… as was the rest of the students who knew us. I hadn’t told my friends about our relationship, and they hadn’t seen him for a whole three months, so they kept warning me about him. Max also said I was making a mistake, and I could see how hurt he was that I had chosen Randy out of all people over him. I tried to tell them all that he was better, but it didn’t help that being back at school brought back a lot of stresses for all of us. Randy was a bit short tempered again, and I was scared about him relapsing, but that very first weekend, he told his mother he wanted to see a psychiatrist, and they set up all sorts of appointments for therapy and all of that.

After that, he never even skipped an appointment, having to cancel a few dates with me to ensure he never missed one. The difference was incredible. He’d come to school acting more like he did during the summer, and he explained to me that he had anger issues due to some psychological problems, so he was on medication, and his therapist was teaching him things to do whenever he felt his temper rising. Everyone we knew at school was in disbelief when they noticed how calm and content he was, and he never picked on anyone, laughed from happiness and not from causing other people pain, and he was even keeping up with his school work, so his grades didn’t slip. He wasn’t void of negative emotion, of course, he still got angry, but now it was because of real things instead of little things, and he reacted at the level the situation needed to be reacted to. He was so much more mature, and I had no regrets.

That’s as far as I saw of that universe. Next, I found myself in a different one where I still had my old dog, Kona, and my old cat, Tiger, but we lived in the filthiest house… but I won’t go into that one, because the next pleasant one was another parallel universe with Randy, but this time, he didn’t have anger issues at all. He wasn’t friends with John or Jose, but was friends with Max, and in our freshman year, he only watched me every so often. It wasn’t until some kid was picking on me that Randy defended me, for he still developed a crush on me in this universe, and he ended up getting punched in the gut. That was all the damage that had been done because a teacher saw it, and took the kid to the principal’s office. I thanked Randy, and we introduced ourselves.

I only recognized him, as he was in one of my classes, Math I think, and I had said, “oh, you’re in one of my classes!” He said he saw me drawing a lot, and then dug into his backpack and pulled out two buttons with characters from some video game. “Do these interest you at all?” I said that they did, so he gave them to me, and that started our first conversation that led to a loose friendship.

In sophomore year (our friendship much tighter at this point), I had that sleeping attack that sent me to the hospital, and when I came back, he had a card and some balloons. He had said that his parents didn’t allow him to go see me in the hospital because they didn’t want him distracting the doctors, but I was still happy to receive the gifts. That year, he was in my English class instead of Geometry, and that bitchy teacher was harking on me for “faking sick” just so I didn’t have to do the work because I was stupid. Randy stood up, came over to me, and pulled my binder out of my backpack without asking. He held it up and said, “this thing is filled with so many notes, she has trouble closing it. She has to hold the extra papers together with a paperclip, which is getting weaker the more she adds. She’s never skipped assignments or tests before, so why would she now? I think I speak for all of us when I say you need to leave her alone and just do your job.”

The class vocalized their agreement very heartily, but she still gave both of us detention, even though I hadn’t spoken out of turn. Still, he didn’t regret standing up for me, just like any other time he’s stood up to a student, and he took pride in serving the detention.

That’s all I saw of that one, I didn’t see if we ever got together or anything. I also didn’t see too much of Max, just in some of my classes, but we didn’t converse much because Randy wasn’t too close to him after he became friends with me. I don’t think Max ever developed a crush on me, but he was definitely sturdy and able to fend for himself instead of the cowardly version of him in the other two universes.

I’m not sure why I saw these, especially in one night. I have never seen these other versions of Randy; it was always him from the first universe. It’s almost like my mind was making up for showing me that awful reality by taking me to others that showed me that, because of different circumstances, Randy was actually a good person in alternate realities. It’s comforting, actually, whether these are dreams or other universes, because it shows me that, if things had gone a certain way, Randy would’ve had the opportunities to get help. I assume the second one was a universe where Randy just wasn’t born with any mental problems. So… he was a good person overall, it was simply the paths he took that led him to different consequences, both good and bad.

Now, if the dream/multiverse theory is correct, where does my reality fall in this? I once had a dream where I was sent to a universe where both my parents never had problems, where I wasn’t a mistake, and everything was great… I was even pretty. I wonder if that’s in the same realities where I knew Randy, because in that one, I never went to California… then again, in the last dream, I knew Michael and ended up marrying him. If the theory is correct, does my universe have a “Randy?” If so, where is he? What kind of person is he? I knew a Randy in middle school, but for one, he looked nothing like this one, and for two, I’m not actually certain his name is Randy because I just know it starts with an R. Moreover, does this person even exist? Was he even born? I don’t remember anyone who looked like him in high school, but then again, in those universes, I attended a different high school…

Maybe (this is still if the theory is correct) those universes were ones where I never left Alpine. Those cliffs definitely look as though they could be in Alpine, and so does the scenery. I met Randy in high school, so maybe he never went to the same middle school I did, and I never attended high school in Alpine in my universe. What if, if this theory is correct, a version of Randy was at the high school I would’ve went to if I hadn’t moved away? I can imagine I’d move here some years later after what he did to me, so I would’ve met Michael, and Alpine is only forty-five minutes away. The only reason I moved out of Alpine was because my so called mother was a terrible person, and we had to mooch off my grandmother… who later adopted me because she and my aunt called the police on her after witnessing her abuse toward me, and custody was taken away from her. Then again, what would explain Sempai going to high school with me in those universes?

Well, Sempai does believe in fate, as do I, and she believes that we were meant to become friends no matter what life we’re living. She believes we’re “soul friends,” that reincarnation exists, and that we’ve been friends in past lives as well. What if this is all true? What if certain things led her to Alpine just because the forces were making sure we were together no matter what? It’s really crazy if you think deeply about it, and connecting certain events actually makes it make sense… I wouldn’t understand half of this if I had never seen Donnie Darko. XD

I am really supporting this theory now, but it’s nothing for me to dwell on, study, or try to prove. I just think it’s interesting and a good learning experience. If it’s real, awesome, maybe I can learn to control where I go. If it’s all bunk, cool, but my mind has a wilder imagination than I originally thought. You know, in this dream, I was able to enter a dimension where I could see and choose a universe to enter… what if that was real? That would mean that universes with magic exist, which would explain my powers and abilities in some. But if this is all real, I just have one question…

Where the fuck is the purple universe I went to when I was four?!? Everything was purple!! WHERE IS THAT UNIVERSE????!!! XD Aah, I’m glad I already forgot most of the nightmares I had last night. And my teeth are healthy, Mike is making spaghetti, we have ice cream, and my rats are rats. Today’s a pretty good day, I think. Foo, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that.