Reoccurring Projections

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. A quick update: Working on losing fifty pounds by the end of the year, still trying to work on the next Muffins narration but Audacity keeps crashing on me, making it annoyingly difficult, I’m working harder than ever not to pick my skin or pull my hair, finally got a bike, we just need to build it, Jerry is still alive but has developed hind leg degeneration, and DA is still being a little bitch. Alright, moving on to the main topic: dreams.

I am fully convinced that my dream world is actually another world I go to, and I think it’s the same for all people, but I can’t prove any of this. The “storylines” have become so much more complex, they interlock with each other, time passes, people grow, and it’s… weird. I want to split this topic up into multiple posts to reflect on this overwhelmingly realistic world that has never shown its face until around the last year I was in California. My dreams never used to be so elaborate and interconnecting. In this post, I will be talking about projections that make a regular appearance. Some of them don’t have names. We’ll start with the most traumatizing projection I have met so far…

Randy

I’ve written about Randy before in this post. Long story short, I fell in love with him even though he was a bad guy, I managed to turn him around, I adopted a “child” of sorts, he killed her, raped me, then shot me in the spine to cripple me. I have been crippled in every dream ever since, and even more so after an in-dream car accident. The dream where the tragedy happened, I woke up crying, unable to distinguish myself in the conscious world and my dream world. Randy really messed me up. After that, he was imprisoned and sentenced to death, but I had a few dreams later where I saw him in different ways, as if in different universes where certain things didn’t happen to cause the tragedy. I don’t remember the last time I saw him; I assume I stopped visiting him after that last time, and he’s been executed. I’ve never seen his family since either.

Jimmy

I’ve never mentioned Jimmy or any of the dreams he’s appeared in, mostly because, when he shows up, it ends up being a good part of the dream. He has blonde, short hair, isn’t too much taller than me, and is really carefree. I met him after the Randy incident, and I was so heart broken and traumatized, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get close to anyone ever again. It’s interesting to note that Michael, my real life fiancé, wasn’t really involved in the Randy saga, but we are together after. Michael himself has a much different personality, but I’m not talking about projections based on real people. Jimmy didn’t really care that I was crippled (I can’t walk, and my hands are hard to control, so I have to use machines that are trying to reteach my body to move again), and he thought I was pretty… apparently dream me is gorgeous. I can’t speak very well either, but he seemed to care about me enough to get to know me.

I ended up learning that monogamy wasn’t his cup of tea, and I was really jealous. However, I fell for him so hard, I hid my jealousy and tried not to control him. He seemed to pay more attention to me than his other girls, always asking them to leave when we run into each other. He’s taken me to concerts and parties, we introduce music to a moving city that forbid it, and of course, we had sex all the time. It was hard to hide this from Michael, who narrowed his eyes every time I hugged Jimmy around him, and I would always say, “he’s just a really good friend.”

Eventually, Jimmy confessed that he loved me, but he wasn’t sure if he could quit his womanizing lifestyle. I was also feeling guilty about deceiving Michael, as my conscious mind kept reminding dream me that I was with him and loved him more than anyone. I told Jimmy I just couldn’t leave Michael, and he understood. He ended up telling Michael that he had fallen in love with me, but not about us being involved, and told him that he could no longer be around me as to not jeopardize the relationship.

After that, I’d see him around occasionally, and I still feel my heart jump, I still run up to hug him, I get excited when someone tells me, “Jimmy is in town,” and sometimes he lets me kiss him. I think we might’ve had sex again once, but otherwise, nothing happens between us.

Bulldog

Ah yes… Bulldog. I just looked at my posts about dream and realized I’ve never mentioned him either. He’s a big guy with dark brunette hair, and he looks like a cross between Rob Gavagan (formerly known and Rob Dyke), and my old friend Sebastian, who resembles Jack Black. I don’t know when I met him, and I don’t consciously know his real name, but when I told him about Randy, he decided to become my body guard, especially since I’ve been drugged at parties multiple times and… well, I guess dream me is just that hot, huh? I managed to get my revenge on some of them, but I digress.

Bulldog has become friends with Michael, knows Jimmy and is friendly with him, and has a few friends that don’t like me, and I don’t like them. Whenever I’m in danger… well, almost… I yell for him and he uses his brute strength to save me. I’m always getting attacked and kidnapped.

I started to notice Bulldog become very attached to me, and that he made certain comments that made me suspicious that he liked me. I pretended not to notice. But why? Why do so many bad things happen to me in my dream world? Why is everyone inclined to do bad things?

I guess I was on a ship with a bunch of friends, including Bulldog and Michael, and it crashed. I’ve had so many dreams where I’m in a shipwreck, probably because I’m afraid of large bodies of water… Anyway, I guess I was partially knocked out. I felt someone on me, and I wasn’t fully aware that I had just been in an accident, so I welcomed the advances from who I thought was Michael. Because of this, I didn’t argue when I felt him start to have sex with me. In real life, Michael has woken me up in the morning with sex before, so dream me accepted that this was what was happening. Nope.

I fully awoke after he had left, and I was surprised to be washed up on an island, laying in a small area of water. I remember distinctly that there was a starfish on a rock beside me. I asked one of the girls what happened. She looked pale, and mentioned that our ship wrecked. I said, “then why on earth did Michael fuck me at a time like this?” And then she told me that it wasn’t Michael. It was Bulldog. He got off of me when they caught him and started screaming at him. I was horrified, hurt, and confused. I went and told Michael what had happened, and he got mad. We both confronted Bulldog, who was sobbing as we approached. He ended up finally telling us that he had fallen in love with me (why does this keep happening to me?) and that he couldn’t help it. He begged for our forgiveness, and I forgave him because he had done so much good for me in the past. If this had happened in real life, there’s no way I would have forgiven him. Michael stayed silent, but it was pretty clear that his opinion of Bulldog had changed.

After that, Bulldog has been a little distant with me, and I do my best to pretend like nothing happened. He still comes to my aid, but tries his best not to be alone with me. I’ve caught him asking Michael if they could share me. T_T Still, he remains my friend and body guard.

These stupid goddamn girls I don’t know the names of

There’s two of them, one with brown hair, and one with blonde. It’s confusing, because when Blondie isn’t with Brownie, she acts like she secretly wants to be my friend, but when they are together, they’re just plain nasty. Brownie is always nasty. They make fun of me for EVERYTHING: being crippled, acting happy, acting sad, wearing certain things, having been abused by Erin (because they think it’s a lie), loving my rats (in my dreams, I’ve trained about a hundred rats), being smart, and eventually, developing powers. I remember Brownie saying, “you can fly now? Oh my god.” The weird thing is… I’ve always been able to float or fly. But I keep developing new powers, which inspired me to create Xtraordinary Girl, and I actually am known as that in my dream world.

I have tried to kill these girls multiple times, but they are somehow impervious to my powers, and every time I drop them in the middle of the ocean, they come back somehow. Every time I get violent with them, they tell a teacher (because I’m apparently a twenty-nine year old teenager?), and I get in trouble. I constantly yell about the things they do to me, but no one ever listens, not even when a few students back me up. They haven’t just been verbally abusive, but physically too, trying to stab me, set me on fire, and joining the Anti-Reitannites or the Kill Squad. Bulldog can’t seem to get rid of them.

Anti-Reitannites

There’s a group of people who hate me and have turned many of my fans against me by spreading lies about me. Oh yeah, that’s real. However, in my dream world, THESE PEOPLE HAVE FOUND ME. They constantly try to beat me up, the ex-fans tell me things like, “I don’t know what I ever saw in you,” and I’m constantly called a liar, even though they know that I choose to always tell the truth; they think that’s a lie too. And the things they make up about me get bigger and more ridiculous, and I’m always trying my best to prove myself to everyone, mainly to prove myself to the ex-fans, but I keep getting upset like any human would, and if I show even the tiniest amount of frustration, it “proves” to everyone that I’m a horrible person. It’s been driving my dream self to madness (as if she wasn’t already super messed up already), and I keep doing things that just hurt my chances of ever changing their minds… like calling Annatier.

Kill Squad

Another large group of people, and some of the Anti-Reitannites are part of it. They don’t call themselves this, it’s just a name I’m calling them for lack of a better. There’s a short, skinny girl in her twenties that can’t seem to decide if I’m good or bad. Her opinion of me changes based on my actions, which she’s SUPER sensitive about. If I do something even a tiny bit wrong, she panics and joins this group of people who are trying to actually murder me. They’ve succeeded multiple times, but it’s getting easier to survive with my powers. They have weapons of all kinds, and I feel them when they hit me. It hurts, especially the blades. What’s worse is they try to kill anyone who defends me. They do all this even if I save their asses from attacks by something even worse, or nuclear explosions.

This unnamed fifteen year old

He’s not well behaved, not good at school, and is a bully. It used to be that, every time I passed a certain area where he skateboards or plays basketball, he’d jump me. After awhile, though, He started flirting with me, and (oh no, here we go again), eventually admitted that he actually loved me. I look like a teenager, but my conscious mind knows I’m not. So dream me kisses him every now and then, and I tell myself, “as long as Michael doesn’t know, it’s perfectly fine to kiss other guys,” when in reality, I know that it’s not, and I’d never even consider it. After time went on, my conscious mind finally interfered, and I realized I was almost double his age and madly in love with Michael, so I ended up revealing all of this, which he hadn’t known, and broke his heart. He was horrified to find out how old I was because I look sixteen in my dream world. He hasn’t been the same since, but certain things happen that forces us to interact.

Last night we were talking, and he said, “remember when we died?” I replied with, “you mean when we got in a car crash and we watched them take our bodies away?” We were referring to the car crash that crippled me even more, making it almost impossible to move my arms, which are stuck in bent positions, preventing me from stretching my arms out, though I try to. We were trapped in a car on a racing track (we had intended to race, but it wouldn’t move for some reason), and we were rammed so hard, we were both thrown out of the car. He was thrown off track, dead, and I was thrown onto the track, dead. I lay there in excruciating pain and watched as more race cars ran over my body, mutilating it. Then I saw them pick me up and load me into an ambulance where they zipped me into a body bag. This isn’t the first time I’ve been conscious after death.

We came back to life somehow, like I always do, and now we’re kind of mutual, but only greet in passing.

Kai

Ever since I got my Zanpakuto, Graver, I’ve been training with some of the Thirteen Guard Squads and Ichigo from the anime Bleach. Rukia is also there, and sometimes Orihime is there to heal. Sometimes I carry Graver around, but he has a bad habit of not fitting in his sheath and constantly cuts me and other people.

Kai is a recent projection. He came to school with a few other Japanese students for an exchange program, and he always comes over to me when he sees me and cuts me with his sword. He is sexy as hell, but I started out hating him and begging him to stop cutting me. Apparently dream me is fluent in Japanese, and his friends told me that he doesn’t dislike me at all, but likes me a lot. He cuts me as a form of teasing, like when a little boy pulls a girl’s hair when he likes her.

Then I fought Kai. I didn’t win, but I was good enough for him to want to train me. He also wanted to be with me, and I rejected him because I was with Michael. Still, he took me through some trials like a video game, and I got to a boss fight, though I wasn’t the only one there. There were much more experienced sword fighters there, and I… quickly got killed. The sword of the boss went right through my side, and I collapsed. Since then, there’s been an acute pain where the sword pierced (in my dream world, not in real life, that would be weird).

Kai wanted to take me out on a date after I healed… from death… but I rejected him again. He has teleportation powers that he demonstrated during our fight, which is why I didn’t win, and he used them to suck me up into one of his black, tornado-like portals. It knocked me out, but I slowly awoke to being carried over Kai’s shoulder, and I fully awoke in a bath tub with candles and rose petals.

He was sitting next to the tub and explained he wanted me to meet his parents. I said, “I told you know, and you kidnap me, undress me, and put me in a bath.” I was still weak, so I was kind of amused. He said he didn’t touch me; his honor would not allow that. But since I seem to be a slut in my dream world, I told him to get in the bath with me, and then we kissed and had sex.

I later found out he was arranged to marry another woman, and he had to cut things off with me before the wedding. I got mad and obsessive, created a black hole, and sucked the woman up. I got a nice sword up the vagina, which went all the way through my mouth (it hurt like crazy), and tried to send Kai into the black hole. However, I got sucked in instead and spit out into a different dimension, which I don’t really remember. I do remember that everyone was slate grey.

I still see Kai, but he seems to have reset, remembers nothing, and has gone to cutting me again.

The blonde teacher who hates me

She has mid-length blonde hair and looks exactly like my aunt Jenny, who is a fucking demon in disguise. This teacher just HATES me. Because I’m physically crippled and can’t talk very well, she acts like I’m an idiot, like I can’t learn. When I turn in homework, she rips it up, even if all the answers were right. The entire class hates her. She calls me ugly, retarded, and gives me detention when my multiple injuries and trauma force me to fall asleep. I often wake up in a completely different place with no recollection of how I got there.

Ugh, my mind is blanking. I know there are more, but I’ve got a really bad headache. I also want to make a post about projections based off of real people and characters, but not right now.

This post may contain typos, as it has not been proofread.

good news for once

Well, I actually have good news. Shocker. My YouTube channel should be returned to me soon. I will post a video explaining what happened, and then there will be a period of silence because I will work on finishing the next Muffins narration. I promise the second video after I return will be this Muffins. I can never give you an exact date, that’s not how it works.

*Sigh.* I’m so sick of stupid people. Someone informed me via email about something that’s happening on the Discord server some of my fans set up. Obviously I cannot be on Discord because instant messaging is too similar to speaking face to face with someone. It’s because they are right there waiting for a response instead of PMing where I can answer at my leisure, and the likelihood of them being there on the other side at that very moment is small. So anyway… I’ve got haters. Everyone does. I thought the bullying would stop after I left school, but then I learned that, funnily enough, people don’t stop being stupid pricks! How great is that? I’m not even well-known on the internet, and I get people who hate me as much as some people hate certain celebrities. News flash, guys, I’m not famous. If anything, I’m recognizable by a few thousand people. That’s it.

Apparently, people who hate me have been alienating the Discord server. It’s not really my problem or my business, and there’s nothing I can do except complain, but I told my informant to just start blocking them instead of attempting to fight back. And that’s what you should always do, even if it’s hard. I just don’t understand why people hate me so deeply. They call my fans “white knights.” This implies that they think my fans come to my rescue when I’m in trouble. It’s always a white knight who saves the princess. “Saving” someone and supporting them are two different things. Helping someone is not an offense unless it’s accessory to a crime. Guess what? Them making a Discord server? Just a way for my fans to get their feelings and frustrations out about how someone hacked my fucking channel. It allows them to discuss because, just like me, they panicked, so discussing it is therapeutic, a way to put their minds at ease. Unfortunately, to my GREAT displeasure, some of my audience are kids, and kids always blow things out of proportion. (Get off my channel, kids, please, I’m seriously begging you.) Others are people who rely on my content to make them feel happy because their life may not be so great either, and I provide them with an escape, or just simply an example of a human being who has experienced shit and tells it like it is.

I’m not a princess. I’m not a god. I’m not a leader. I don’t have white knights. No one comes to my rescue because I can defend myself. People support me by telling me it’s alright, and that they’re there, and some people go further by donating to me, and that helps my fiancé and I to save for THE REST OF OUR LIVES, you know, a house to live in, the cost of my meds, student loans… EATING. I don’t spend my fans’ money on the cute clothes and accessories I deeply desire, because I’m at least responsible enough to know that necessities come first. I wish I had money to be able pay for things I need and want, but I’m a middle-class American. It beats being poor again, but still, it hurts to see rich bastards do bastardly things and get away with it because they’re rich, especially the ones who didn’t even work to earn their wealth.

In my experience, people hate me for the following reasons:

• They did something bad, so I blocked them, and they just can’t get over being blocked, because they’re babies.
• The people who get blocked write lies and rumors about me that other people believe without even looking into whether they’re true or not.
• People misunderstand me through text because I have speech and social development issues, and I come off as abrasive or rude when that’s not my intention.
• They don’t like that I have more emotions than a shovel.
• They don’t like the way I dress (dude… get over it, who cares?).
• They don’t like that I don’t have the same personality as them and actually act like a human being who shows imperfections and points out things that are wrong with society, which they just happen to be one of the things that make society so wrong.
• They’re stupid kids who think it’s okay to treat people like shit.
• They’re WAAAAAAY too religious.
• They just. Want. To hate. Anything and everything. They can’t get over their own problems, so they just HATE for the sake of hating.
• Their only experience with me was with “Annatier,” and they think that that’s just how I am, and never gave me a chance afterward.
• Jealousy.

Jealousy is last because it’s probably the least amount of people. Some are jealous of my talents, which I worked hard on to get good at (like you should), and don’t realize that I’m far from perfect and am still learning, and if they just put in the effort, they could get good, or even better than I am. Some are jealous that I’m “popular” (their words, not mine). I’ve had people ask me, “how did you get so popular? How do I get popular?” For one, I’m not popular, I’m just recognizable by a slightly bigger than average audience. For two, is that really what matters to you? Popularity? I didn’t do what I’ve done to get popular, I did it because I enjoy it, and other people just happened to enjoy it too. There are probably a couple other reasons, but I can’t think of any other reason to be jealous of me. ME. ME. If you’re jealous of me, please, seriously? Revaluate your life. You have nothing to be jealous of. If anything, I’m jealous of most of you.

But nothing makes me more mad than people who hate me based on either misunderstandings or things other people have said about me. DUDE. You don’t know me. Most things people say about me are so far from truth that the people who hate me have a fictional personality in mind that they reflect onto me. What part of “you’re wrong” don’t you understand? The worst part is when I try to explain why they’re wrong, but they just don’t change their minds! They want to believe I’m the person they read about through some idiot who purposefully pissed me off and got blocked for it! I BLOCKED YOU, I didn’t call your mother a whore! It’s the tiniest thing to hold a grudge over! If you got upset that I blocked you and actually did something to try and get “revenge,” you’re a fucking baby, and that’s coming from me, a person who literally missed out on maturing properly. Though it makes me happy that I’m more mature than you fools who do this “white knight” bullshit. Yeah, when I was a stupid teenager (all teenagers are stupid, even the intelligent ones), I sent my fans after people. I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER. But I haven’t done that since my teens, so why are you still convinced that I do that? YOU HAVE NO PROOF!

I decided a couple months ago that I’m done. My code of honor is honesty. If you hear something bad about me, just come ask me if it’s true, I will tell you the truth, and I will shamefully admit something bad I did if it is true. Lying would get me nowhere but into more trouble. And if you refuse to believe me, then fuck you. I know the truth, I have the proof. You? You got nothing. Any accusations you have about me that aren’t true? YOU GOT NOTHING. Wanna accuse me of something? Prove it. Bring me the proof. You won’t be able to. I’m not a very private person, and sometimes my honesty is a bit too much for some people to handle. Regardless of my bad traits and the problems that I have, you will never find something to incriminate me. The evidence you need doesn’t exist. I’m done with you. I’ve always had this drive to prove myself because it hurts when accused of something you didn’t do. But you don’t care if you hurt me. You WANT to hurt me. Well, I want to give you my problems to hurt you. You think I like this shit. Take it away from me if it bothers you so much. Oh, what? You can’t? What do you mean you can’t cure mental illness? What do you mean you can’t go back in time to save me? What do you mean no one can? Well, I think you’re just lazy. Cure me, you mother fuckers. Take it all away if I rustle your jimmies so bad.

I have nightmares about a lot of things. People who have PTSD are sensitive to trauma, even smaller things like bullying. I’ve been bullied all my life, and in a lot of cases, it wasn’t a small thing. I’ve almost been killed at least twice. But I also have nightmares about people who just hate me. They don’t know me as Kara, they know me as Reitanna, and this is the first time they’ve even come face to face with me. I’m desperately asking them why they hate me so much. A few of them call me a liar, but when I ask, “when have I lied?” they just say, “you’re just a liar.” They have no reason, they have no proof, they don’t even have an example for me to disprove. The rest… can’t give me an answer at all. They hate me, but they can’t give me a reason why. The worst ones are the ones where they’re all trying to kill me. They’ve pricked me with needles, cut me with blades, try to choke me (which stems from one of those real life experiences where a bully almost killed me), and some even try to rape me. As far as I can recall, aside from Randy and Bulldog, I haven’t had anyone rape me while I’m conscious, and even with Bulldog, I was only have conscious, and I thought it was Michael. Other times, people have drugged me at a party, and I only found out afterward. I think it’s safe to say that these are not my most favorite of dreams. T_T

What I don’t get is… why can’t you pricks just get over it? Why am I so important to you, you have to attack innocent people? Shouldn’t you just… you know… ignore all of us? I’m just trying to live the life I was robbed of, and I’m trying so hard to be happy, it literally hurts. Some people like me, support me, and like my stuff. You don’t. So what? I like Harry Potter, Mike hates it. He likes Star Wars, I hate it. We’ve been together for nine straight years and he just proposed. Not everyone is going to like everything. Not everyone is going to like everyone. I’m not hurting you. I don’t even know you, and if I do and I blocked you, then you need to get over it twice as much. I don’t care if you hate me, but I care if you harass me and my fans and friends. IT HURTS. Stop it. Just leave us alone.

And you know what? I think you know. I think you know we don’t deserve it. I think you know that I’m not a liar. I think you know that my fans aren’t my “white knights.” You just don’t care. I’m a fucking sociopath, and I care more about how I treat people than you do. I choose to be nice to them even if I can’t empathize with them because I’m sick and tired of people making me feel like shit, so in order to lessen people treating me like shit, I can’t go treating people like shit unless they treat me like shit too. I don’t think I’m better than everyone. Just you. Just all of you who do these things. Just all of you who show your true colors when we don’t want to see them. Can’t you just pretend to be civil? My birth mother abused me, and even she taught me, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

But you know what? At least you do something right. You help me in some ways. Every time you gossip about me, you spread my name, and you bring more people to me. Some of them aren’t sheep and find out that what you say is bullshit, and I gain fans. Every time you share one of my videos to try and “prove” your point, you get me views, you get my ads views, and you pay me. If you were smart, you would ignore me instead of helping my so called popularity grow. Mike says, “any attention is good attention.” He says that when I complain about you hateful idiots who like to pretend I’m something I’m not. If you really wanted people to stop watching me or whatever, you’d never say anything about me so as to not invoke curiosity in your peers and help my audience grow. You ignoring me would actually hinder me. So really, it’s a double edged sword; your hate hurts me so much that I have nightmares about it, but at the same time, you’re helping me grow. You’re just a bunch of stupid assholes, and it’s hilarious. I just wish I could handle the pain better.

And to my fans (kids not included), you know you’re smart, you know these idiots are fucking morons, so just try not to get riled up. It’s hard for me too, you all know that, but all you can do is block them. You’re not my white knights, but I’m not your white knight either, so I can’t save you from these people. In a fantasy world, every victim of bullying could join together and fucking massacre these pricks who need to be kicked out of the gene pool, but this is the real world where good people get punished and bad people get to skip through a field of flowers singing “Walking on Sunshine.” We have the block tool. Woopdee-fuckin-doo. Still, it silences them. If they make a new account (and they will), and come back, don’t say anything to them, just block them. If they keep coming, keep blocking them. They’re fools. I don’t even count them as human because they sure as hell don’t act like it. Humans have more than one emotion, and all they have is anger. No matter what you want to say, don’t say it, and block them.

It’s something I need to get better at as well. “Annatier” likes to fight, and the meds don’t keep her asleep all day. I fucking hate myself.

(Post not proofread, typos are inevitable.)

What are you doing?

Guys… seriously… stop subscribing to my “new channel!” It’s not there for you, there’s not going to be any videos, and it’s going to be deleted as soon as if I get my channel back! The only reason I made it was because having a channel is required to report problems and shit! You’re just wasting your time as much as I’m wasting my fucking life.

Yesterday my psychiatrist made me go through a “safety plan” evaluation required for patients that are feeling suicidal or homicidal. The mini physical they give you every time you have an appointment with your doctor revealed that I am now 161 pounds, the heaviest I’ve ever been. Had a breakdown today. Found a comment on my last post made by a dipshit sheep who thinks everything is bullshit unless they’re going through it themselves. Begged my best friend to move here because I have made no friends in person since I moved here because I’m a piece of shit sociophobe who can’t fucking leave the house alone. My meds are working. This shit is REAL, and I hate it. I’m so sick of it.

Erin, this is your fault. Everything that’s wrong with me, everything that’s wrong with Justin is YOUR fault. You had ONE job: Be a fucking parent. No, you couldn’t do that right. Sure, there are no perfect parents, but you were so far from perfect, you endangered both of our lives and took away opportunities that normal adults get. You couldn’t just keep your twiggy little legs closed. I should get every single penny you ever spent on drugs and alcohol. And where’s that “college fund” you supposedly had going? Where’s my child support money? Did you know I can’t even sue you for emotional and psychological damages because it’s ten years too late? I didn’t even know that was a possibility back then. I deserve every single cent you earn for the rest of your life. And you know dad’s family is fucking rich? And he gets nothing, he’s poor as shit. I get nothing. I can’t even file for disability because my fiancé makes “too much money” working two jobs that only pay for the bare necessities. That’s fucked up. I can’t work, and one person in the house making JUST enough money is too much. You know, you could’ve at least taken me out to dinner or something, because I like to be wined and dined before someone FUCKS ME.

When grandma told me you SURVIVED a fatal heart complication, I was LIVID. You get to live. YOU GET TO FUCKING LIVE after what you did to two innocent children. At least I managed to stay away from drugs and alcohol, unlike Justin. I’ve disowned him because I found out he’s smoking pot. We’ve both tried to kill ourselves at least once, I dunno if he’s tried again. I saved him the first time. I saved my brother from killing himself, and YOU still live. I should’ve killed you when I had the chance. You know, all of my dreams are EXTREMELY realistic. Do you know what’s one of the worst parts about having PTSD? The fucking nightmares. And no, they’re not about ghoulies and ghosties and wee little beasties, they are about EVERYTHING I’m afraid of, my greatest fears, my most traumatic memories, things that determine how messed up I feel when I wake up, sometimes for just the day, sometimes for an entire week. I have less good dreams a month than I have days I’m on my period. And when I do have a good dream, it has me in a different world, a nice place where things are happy, and sometimes I just break down crying when I see these wonderful things because I’m so fucking happy to have escaped this shitty world you forced me into. I hope that, when you die, you die slowly, bed ridden, so I can sit by your side for the rest of your life and just tell you about mine. Explain in great detail what you’ve done to me, what you made me into. I want you to die miserable, with guilt weighing you down all the way to hell where you obviously came from.

I guess that’s one reason not to kill myself… I NEED TO SEE YOU DIE BEFORE ME.

STOP IT.

Stop emailing me and messaging me about my YouTube. It’s getting annoying. “Did you know your YouTube was hacked?” Is that a real question? Something I check multiple times a day? “Did you quit?” My channel wouldn’t even be accessible, I would have DELETED it. Besides, why would I quit without telling anyone? “I’m so sorry this happened to you!” If you’re so sorry, then do something about it. If you’re so worried, HELP instead of complaining about it. Go to the channel, go to about and click the flag to “report user.” Click “impersonation.” Check “This channel is impersonating a YouTube channel I follow or am familiar with.” Scroll down to the bottom, uncheck “block user,” and provide details saying, “this channel has been hacked and needs to be returned to its original owner.”

I didn’t want to bring public attention to this. Wanna know why? Because it’s dangerous to my channel. I’m lucky the guy hasn’t DELETED it. You guys are not helping me, my stress levels, or my channel in the slightest by bombarding me with emails. I get the feeling these have all been from the children who watch my channel, the children who aren’t supposed to be watching, the children I DON’T WANT WATCHING. Because I know my smart watchers automatically thought, “wait, this isn’t right, someone hacked her channel! I had better report this!” Do you really think I didn’t fucking notice?! It’s my fault anyway for falling for a fucking phishing email! How do you think that makes me feel?!

And on top of that, DeviantArt is screwing my ass with a rusty metal broom handle, claiming that I did something that I didn’t do! I’ve been trying to stay calm and collected, I’ve been TRYING to be confident for my health, but I’m NOT built to handle this stress! I 100% guarantee you that, if I can’t get my channel back, I will give up. ON EVERYTHING. I can’t kill myself unless Michael lets me, but no more videos, no more art, no more stories, no more food, no more games, only bed, sleep, and rat time. I don’t want to give up. I’m engaged, I have things I enjoy, but FUCK, this world makes sure that people born into tragedy do NOT recover. WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY.

So just stop. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I will not read, nor respond to any emails about my YouTube channel or DA. STOP FREAKING OUT. Stop spreading rumors as to what happened. Just fucking HELP. All you have to do is report the channel. If you do the exact steps I mentioned above, the channel itself will not be deleted, but they will probably freeze it until ownership is properly transferred back to me.

If you do this for me, and I get my channel back, the second video I upload after I return will be a Muffins. I promise this. You guys freaking out makes me freak out, which has been something I’m trying not to do. Calm down and be quiet yourselves because I never wanted the hacker to know I realized something was wrong and that I’m trying to fix it. Too late now, huh?

The Most Relaxed I’ve Ever Felt

I just experienced the new Tool album. I didn’t listen to the single because I needed the full album to achieve what I just did. If I remember correctly, I think MJK said in his book that he believes albums should be experienced in full, and now I know, because I had started listening to Tool after their last album, which was, what, ten years ago? Anyway, I did this, and now I can confirm that… no. No you do not need drugs to get high. You just need to hear the gods.

It’s nearly impossible for me to do two things: One, relax, and two, stop thinking. That’s why meditation has never worked for me. Funnily enough, relaxing was the easy part. I shut my blinds, closed my door to give myself a feeling of being closed in from the outside world, put my phone on “do not disturb” mode, put on my stereo headphones, put on my blind fold, lie in my bed on my back with my hands at my sides, no blanket, and began to breathe. Usually, my body will relax for a few seconds before it tenses up without me even noticing, and when I notice, I’ll relax again, until it just does the same thing. This time, as I concentrated on the music, I noticed that I didn’t get tense at all.

However, it was hard to get my mind to shut up. It just kept talking, so I began to focus solely on the instruments, sounds, and imagined that the music was coming from a tiny, floating, steel ball that was spinning at a mellow pace. It began to get easier to shut my mind up, but it kept pointing out what was happening, like, “I can’t feel my hands,” “my heart is pounding,” and, “I’m seeing [blank].” I was like, “STOP TALKING!!” but still, it got easier.

Back to the relaxation. The first thing I noticed was that I literally couldn’t feel my hands. It was like they weren’t there, and my arms were almost just as numb. I couldn’t remember where I had put them. Were they at my sides, or resting on my lap? Were the palm up or palm down? I couldn’t tell. My legs were the next to “disappear,” and eventually, I felt extremely light, like I was floating.

Next, I noticed that my heart was beating heavily and fast, like when you’re excited about something INCREDIBLE that’s happening. I was also aware that I wasn’t breathing deeply, I was taking the smallest breaths I could and holding them for a few seconds before taking another. I’m not sure how rapid it was since I kept telling my mind to stop pointing things out.

When I managed to slip off and enter the most… blissful area of existence, where I felt weightless, where I wasn’t actually thinking, I saw some things other than the ball I focused on. There was a point where I was watching the sun set from a planet that had rings like Saturn. There was a point where I was walking along those rings like they were a road. I saw a featureless man made out of the night sky, and he was moving to the rhythm of the song, but I couldn’t tell exactly what he was doing. Another thing I watched was the day and night cycle repeat in a fast time lapse over a landscape with basically no noteworthy attributes. Another weird, but exciting scene was one of a nude man passionately loving another person, but I couldn’t see the other person, just as I couldn’t see the man’s face… let me try to explain. It was like a scene in a film, but it’s zoomed in, so you see the man from the side, but the top of his head above his nose is cropped off, as is everything below his upper thighs. No part of the other person was visible.

There were other things I saw that my brain didn’t point out, so I can’t really explain them, but I know a lot of it involved outer space and other empty places. One song has ocean sounds, so naturally, I imagined a beach at that point, but it was dusk, there were NO other people, no objects in the sand, no buildings in the background, it was 100% void of all traces of human existence. There was also a brief point where I felt like crying, but that passed right after I noticed it.

The overall experience was bizarre, and it felt wonderful. Eventually, my ear started to itch, and I was like, “no! It’s ruined!” because I had come out of that relaxed state, I could feel my body and everything. But just as I thought that and itched my ear… the last song ended. It was almost as if my body knew that it was time to come back to reality. I lay there for a bit, kind of staring at my ceiling. I hadn’t fallen asleep, something I actually expected to happen, but I felt like I had just woken up. I was thirsty and had to go to the bathroom, but getting up took some effort. Reality felt really weird, like I wasn’t supposed to be here, and as I’m writing this, my heartbeat is still pretty heavy, and I’m still trying to get a grip on what’s actually happening and where I actually am. My head hurts really bad, I’m mildly aroused, and when I greeted my rat, it felt like I wasn’t supposed to talk. Right now, it feels like I can’t even use my voice.

Note that this experienced was NOT enhanced by any substance that I’m not exposed to every day. I didn’t even drink chamomile tea like I had originally planned, but I forgot. My medication doesn’t cause any of these things to happen, and y’all know I’d rather die before breaking my straight edge code. I really want to know how this would work while taking a hot bath, but I’d have to keep my head above water, which I don’t usually do because I like to hear the world go silent and be replaced by the sound of the blood in my head that is typical when you’re under water. And I’m also wondering what would happen if I listened to the album while having sex. XD Sometimes music can make or break the union of two lovers… or more, if you’re into that.

This is why I love Tool so much. I can’t get these same feelings with any other band or artist. They themselves aren’t even a band, but an experience altogether. That’s why I’ve only listened to them for the passed… two years? I don’t listen to anything else anymore, and not because I grew out of it, but because Tool seems to take me somewhere else, away from this shithole we call a world, even when I just have their music on in the background while I’m working on something. Not only that, but both the sound and the lyrics of their songs helped me perceive the world, the mind, and human behavior in a much different way. They influenced me to not be the one to start a fight, but be civil with everyone unless they start it first. They helped me respect the mind (not just mine) much more than I already did. And on top of it all, they made me realize that other people share my ideals, think the way I do, have the same theories I do, and knowing MJK thinks the way he does makes me feel less alone, and even LESS less alone when I come across a stranger who also thinks this way. After reading his book, it changed a lot of my former perceptions of MJK based on others who worship him like the god he is even though he’s not. It made me respect him, understand him only based on what he revealed to the readers, and solidified the theory that he is, not just a genius in spirituality (not the religious kind), not just a highly intelligent man, but someone actually great. His accomplishments really surprised me, honestly.

I could gush about him forever. I want to meet him and just ask him questions, pick his brain. But there’s still that, “don’t meet your heroes” thing. Of course I know he’s human and not a god. Of course I know there’s way more to his personality than what he’s shown us. Of course I don’t actually know him the way I’d like to think I do. And… of course I know that he’d most likely frown upon me treating him like a god. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like it when his fans do that. But damn, it’s hard not to. In a lot of ways, he and Tool have saved me. I’m not sure if I’d feel the same way with A Perfect Circle though, even though MJK is the vocalist. It’s Tool that does this to me, not just MJK. It’s the combination of these talented artists, and the overall unique style of their sound that feels… superior to other music. Maybe I’m just a fool, though. Maybe I’m putting them on a higher pedestal than they’re realistically meant to be on.

Whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t change the fact that what I just experienced was real. On a scale of one to ten, my stress levels are usually at a fifty, but I was able to relax while hearing (not listening to) this album. That alone is an impressive feat. I’m glad I did this instead of just turning it on in the background the first time I played it like I do everything else. But now… it’s time to carry on and go back to work. Tool can’t fix all of my problems.

 

(This post has not been proofread.)

The “MidnightMuffin” Incident

A long time ago, I had to block a girl for giving me a hard time. She made a huge deal out of… lines in the hair of a cartoon drawing… and she would just NOT let it go. It was ridiculous, and I could not understand why it was so important to her. So I blocked her due to her toxic behavior. So I was done, I was ready to move on and forget about her…

Oh, but no… she couldn’t get over being blocked either. Whereas I decided not to bring attention to the incident, SHE made it public by writing a journal, and worst of all, filling it with lies. I wasn’t going to write a journal at all, but then she wrote one, and the only way to defend myself was to call her out on all of her lies. My journal is no longer on DA because the staff deleted it because it was “harassment,” and yet her journals (I recently found out it’s more than one!) are still up. I’ve reported them of course.

That journal was the only proof I had against her. It sucked that I didn’t have it anymore, but I figured it was over anyway. I WAS WRONG. She’s STILL making a big deal out of this, and it happened last December!! I hadn’t known that she still was until another one of her victims came forward to me. I will not release their name. They too released a journal about what happened after Midnight spread lies about THEM as well, and boy, this poor person was actually abused by her. I won’t go into detail for the sake of this person’s privacy; they made it public on DA, but I don’t have permission to share the story here.

But luckily, this person actually had my journal! This hadn’t been important to me until I discovered another journal by Midnight bashing both of us. Well DA, you can’t touch me here. Nothing in this journal has been changed except a few typos, but there are probably still some. Here’s what REALLY happened:

 

xXMidnightMuffinXx posted a journal about me, which I can’t read because I blocked her, but apparently, if I block someone, I’M the one to blame, I’M the bitch, I’M just the worst person in the fucking world. so I want to clear some shit up for anyone who takes her words and believes them. after all, a lie gets half way around the world before the truth even has a chance to put its pants on.

what happened? well, first of all, I ALWAYS make it so that harassment, spam, trolling, etc. are no longer visible to the public because I can’t delete them on DA, it’s not possible. I do the same thing on youtube, except I can delete those. why do I delete them/hide them? so that I don’t have to see that bullshit, and no one else has to experience the unpleasantness, because whether you agree with me or the other person, it puts you in a bad mood and might start MORE shit. I block you for my health, because you started shit, you know it, you want to continue it, and I don’t want to deal with your behavior, nor do I want you harassing others in my comments section.

first off, I have to say that xXMidnightMuffinXx has caused me problems before, things that I had to deal with with as much patience as I can. she has started shit with other commenters and goaded them into arguments with her, and thankfully, when I told her both parties were at fault in some way, she DID apologize. but if she’s the person I think she is, she caused me a lot of trouble when she was a kid, like TEN, and she started watching muffins. I’m not going to say for certain that she is the same person, because I can’t remember. needless to say, I have been given many reasons to have gotten annoyed and spiteful toward her, but overall, she was still kind to me, so despite all of this, I remained civil and kind to her. remember, never throw the first stone.

but then she threw the stone, and she’s mad at ME for defending myself. not to mention that she caught me at the worst time; I hadn’t taken my meds yet. if I had had my meds, I could’ve handled the situation better unlike her, I am able to admit when I’m wrong and when I made mistakes. my mistake was allowing myself to respond without medication when I should have waited until a few hours AFTER I took it. regardless, her petty screenshot of whatever the fuck she took of our conversation is nothing. people have taken screenshots of convos with me before, always purposefully leaving out important parts that negate their claims. so you may not be able to see them first hand, but I will go ahead and show you here.

 

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 1, 2018
Hmm…The mane looks a little off. Don’t the lines go sideways, like Inkie Pie’s?

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 1, 2018
this is a different mane style though

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 1, 2018
But…completely??

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 1, 2018
well yeah, you gotta compare it to her mane when she was a filly

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 1, 2018
So the lines moved?? I don’t understand.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 2, 2018
it’s just hair, dude…

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 2, 2018
Why would the lines in her hair shift over the years, that’s all I’m asking, jeez.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 2, 2018
why does it matter?

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 2, 2018
You’re normally accurate on these sorts of things.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 2, 2018
but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t realize that me being perfect meant so much to you. I must be pretty stupid to not be perfect. maybe it’s that way just because it’s shorter? maybe it’s that way because it’s healthier? maybe it’s that way because that’s just the way I designed it, and instead of questioning it, you should just let it be because making a huge deal out of it is unnecessary and not something you should do because it’s fucking rude? I dunno, or maybe it’s just because I’m a fucking retard. that must be it. because wahw, I have to be accurate 100% of the time OR ELSE. I have to be PERFECT. I need to do everything right the first time I do it. maybe I should just drink bleach and kill myself like everyone tells me to. then I wouldn’t be such a burden on all of you. FUCK.

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 2, 2018
I’M being rude? You’re not the only one who has insecurities. If you had just told me this from the start you wouldn’t have gotten pissed off.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 2, 2018
sometimes you say the most asinine things.

xXMidnightMuffinXx Edited Dec 3, 2018
Right, sure. You’re just afraid to admit that you were being the rude one. I’ve seen this before in other people.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 3, 2018
no, I was not being rude, you were being rude for continuing to ask a question that clearly didn’t need more answers than I gave. I’m not “afraid to admit” anything, I always admit when I’m wrong. the thing is, you’ve done this before, MULTIPLE times. it’s a personality flaw of yours that drives me absolutely up the wall. you make the biggest deal out of the littlest things, wasting energy and aggravating people in the process. I think you need to step back and evaluate yourself and how you speak to people. there are times when you should just say “okay” instead of badgering someone about something that doesn’t matter. if you continue this toxic behavior, I will have to ban you from commenting for my health.

xXMidnightMuffinXx Dec 3, 2018
You’re seriously one to talk, just saying.

Reitanna-Seishin Dec 3, 2018
you don’t know anything about me. I’ve never done shit to you. I treat people the way I want to be treated, that is, unless they treat me the way I DON’T want to be treated. if you SERIOUSLY don’t think you did anything wrong, then you SERIOUSLY need help. go take your “artists need to make everything perfect” attitude to tumblr. “you’re one to talk.” honestly, really? that doesn’t even make sense.

 

and then I blocked her. alright, first to point out, the comment was unnecessary to begin with. she often asks these unnecessary questions that either don’t need explanation, or the answer is obvious. next, I gave an explanation, so that’s where she should have said, “okay.” then she claims she doesn’t understand. in my experience, she doesn’t understand a lot of simple things. I’d hide my annoyance at having to explain things to her more than was necessary, thinking to myself, “how can you NOT understand this?” but by this point, she was already making a big deal out of nothing, so I calmly said, “it’s just hair, dude…” like… chill out, it’s not important. it’s hair, and as a trained hair dresser, I can tell you from experience that hair likes to do its own thing. but it’s JUST hair. it’s not big deal. but then she said, “Why would the lines in her hair shift over the years, that’s all I’m asking, jeez.” jeez? why the defensiveness. all you had to say was, “yeah, you’re right, lol.” I mean, you wouldn’t even have to say I was right, just acknowledge that you were making a mountain out of a molehill and let it go.

so now that my scales had been rubbed the wrong way, I ask why it matters, and she has the gall to say that I’m normally accurate with those things. here is where you can obviously tell that “Annatier” has decided to take over my part of the conversation, but even now, looking at the entire thing and completely stable, even though I see my errors, I still feel pissed about the conversation, so I know that it WASN’T all “Annatier’s” fault. xXMidnightMuffinXx should’ve known better. for how much I beat myself up for not being perfect? for how much stress and anxiety I have to endure every time I make a mistake that hardly anyone else will notice? not to mention the constant bullying I get from people who assume my desire to be perfect means that I think I AM perfect. do you know how many people tell me to kill myself? knowing I’m suicidal? thank god for my meds, or “Anna” would have her way, and all of those people who hate me would be happy. “Anna” says that mommy would be happy too. hey, at least I’d be free from months of constant nightmares. but regardless, my meds do great things concerning my suicidal tendancies, and the closest I got to breaking was after Tommy’s passing when I was being violently harassed about it on youtube. BUT I DIDN’T. I didn’t hurt myself once. and no matter how down I’ve gotten, I haven’t considered offing myself, or harming myself. I’m SAFE right now, but only from my own hand. “Anna” still likes to tell me shit, like if I don’t do everything perfectly, it’s the reason why mommy didn’t love me, the reason anything bad has happened to me, and it’s the reason I’m worthless. my self esteem is DANGEROUSLY low, and unlike our BELOVED president, I don’t have narcissistic personality disorder to fool me into thinking I’m the best. people accuse me of being vain, but you know, I really wish I were a little vain, then I wouldn’t be so damaged by my own fucking flaws and accidental mistakes.

then xXMidnightMuffinXx says I’m not the only one with insecurities. um…. duh? I know that. there’s nearly eight BILLION people on the planet, and if there is a single person without ANY insecurities, I want to meet them and learn their secret. besides, that has nothing to do with what you did. you deliberately targeted my insecurities to set me off. again, I’d have handled that MUCH better if I had been in control, but I think many of you have been on the butt end of “Anna’s” fury before. some of you left me because you assume I was just like that. those of you who stayed knew it wasn’t ME talking. those of you who came back learned later that it wasn’t me, and you were able to empathize, which is all I ever ask of people. I’ve apologized for this behavior, but those of you who are intelligent know that I cannot cure it, I just have to stay on my meds. and I do, but if something catches me before I take them, well… I’m unpredictable.

so then I was able to take back control for a brief moment. I had a moment where my rational mind stepped in and said, “relax, she does this all the time, you don’t need to write another paragraph.” I only spoke the truth; “sometimes you say the most asinine things.” she does. though in truth, it’s not sometimes, it’s often. that’s where I felt done. but “Anna” eagerly awaited the chance to throw another tantrum, and lo and behold, it did come. not only did xXMidnightMuffinXx tell me I was afraid to admit something, but she acted like she’s figured me all out, like she just knows how people are, like it’s black and white. completely IGNORING her own statements, she acted as though I responded to her first comment with “Anna’s” first reply.

everyone knows I’m not afraid to admit anything. not anymore. well, I do feel the fear, naturally, but it doesn’t stop me. I have better common sense than that, I know the consequences of lying. why do you think honesty is my code of honor? I’ve gone seven years without lying to people by choice. if I killed someone, I’d call the police on myself. why? because I know I’d be EASILY found. I’m not sneaky, smooth, and careful… nor smart enough… to compare to serial killers who went decades without getting caught. maybe if I thought there was a chance I could get away with it, I’d milk it a little bit, but that’s the part of me who still lives in the world of Hannibal Lecter and other fictional killers. I KNOW the law, I KNOW the process, I KNOW how it all works in reality, so I’d fess up immediately, do my time, and be done with it. if you run and fight, you get harder time. same with small things, like when I accidentally left a drawer out after opening back when I worked at walgreens. I HATED opening shifts; I’m terrible at mornings, and I am sleepy and incoherent. anyway, the drawer was still on the counter, filled with money, and ANYONE could’ve jacked it. I saw my mistake, made sure the money was still there, and put the drawer away. I could’ve just kept silent about it… no one would know, right? well, my paranoid mind walks in and says, “what if they need to check the security footage for some reason, and they just happen to see your error?” bam. I went straight to my boss’ office, told him exactly what happened, and I got ZERO punishment. he simply said he was glad I fixed it, that nothing was stolen, and to be more careful. I never made that mistake again.

the point is, even though we fear the consequences of our actions and wish to conceal them, it’s easier to tell the truth, and if you do, any punishment for said action will be so much less than if you lie and they find the truth out on their own. I mean, look at all the political figures who are going to jail for lying to people like the FBI? keeping up lies is harder too, because you have to try and keep the story straight. with a memory like mine… heh, I USED to be able to lie really well, but then 2009 happened, and even though I was in the process of teaching myself to be honest, I’d still slip up, and I realized how much harder it was anyway. I lied more when I was a kid, toward the end of high school, I was working on myself because I was sick of everyone lying to me, so I felt, “well, it makes ME feel horrible, it must make other people feel horrible too.” the hardest part was to get myself to stop saying, “I’m fine” when people asked how I was, and I totally was not fine. the second hardest part was keeping from lying to myself.

I ALWAYS admit when I’m wrong. if I don’t know if I’m right or not, i’ll say so. if I’m right, I KNOW I’m right. if I THINK I’m right, and someone proves me wrong, it SUCKS, and I HATE the feeling, but I admit that I was wrong. you see, there’s a natural reaction that happens to all of us when we’re told we’re wrong. it actually triggers the fight or flight response, you know, the thing that happens when our lives are in danger. so, when proven wrong, or even told we’re wrong, even if we aren’t, we enter fight or flight, and that’s why we get so hostile, that’s why we feel genuine pain when we’re told we’re wrong. to ADMIT you’re wrong takes courage. “courage is the mastering of fear, not the absence of it.” I could be scared to death to admit something, but that doesn’t mean I can’t, because I have a lot of courage that I wish I had when I was younger. so no, I’m not afraid to admit anything.

“Anna” and I were sort of having a tug of war with my reply to that. you can still see the immaturity, but it’s still more rational than that really dramatic reply. the truth is, it just seems like xXMidnightMuffinXx is never aware of the things she does wrong, and I’m not saying accidental mistakes that make us human, I mean with her attitude. when she says something rude, or offending, or asinine, it just blows over her head. now… my question is WHY? does she have the same problem I do? was she sheltered and forced to stay quiet through most of her childhood? does she have speech and social development issues? do the things she says genuinely sound fine in her head, and she can’t figure out why others take offense to it so often?

these were things I had to figure out myself about myself. like I said, “step back and evaluate.” I had to do that. that’s when I realized, once again, another part of my childhood that was not normal. just like I never learned that not all children got hit for tiny reasons, and not all parents were like mine, I had to think about people with normal childhoods and realize, “wait, other children don’t usually get punished for speaking.” children with good parents, even ones with social anxiety disorder, wouldn’t have speech development issues caused my lack of communication. an extreme example of this would be feral children like Genie. THAT POOR CHILD. god, her story is just… disgusting… anyway, she’s a prime example of what happens if children are not allowed to communicate with other humans properly. my case is not NEARLY as severe, not even close. I still had opportunities to speak with friends, and times when Erin was sober that I could talk, laugh, and all that. going to my grandmother’s every summer since I was ten was VERY beneficial to my speech development, but as Genie has helped proven, there is a critical period when humans cannot retain a language, which is why it’s so difficult for adults to learn new languages, and why I just cannot remember how to speak French, or the amount of Japanese I learned myself. after a child hits puberty, the ability to retain language is significantly harder, and can be impossible in severe cases, like with Genie. I, however, was exposed to enough language due to school and other times of freedom in my childhood before puberty that I could speak fluently and, for the most part, comprehensively. however, with social anxiety disorder and abuse, my social development was much slower. my most recent blog tries to explain why I seem so bitchy through text: reitannaseishin.wordpress.com/…　 but it’s not just text, it’s happened verbally in person too.

so… is the same thing happening with xXMidnightMuffinXx? Do I do the same thing people do to me? did I have a moment where my irrational brain tells me I’m the only one? it’s not just possible, but probable. I can’t know that for sure. if that is indeed the case, I can understand, and I’m more at fault than it seems. this could have been a misunderstanding that was exacerbated by my lack of stability at the time due to no meds. that would excuse xXMidnightMuffinXx from being so rude because, if she TRULY didn’t know what she was saying, then it’s NOT her fault, but it is at the same time. She just can’t REALIZE she’s at fault because that part of development would be missing. it’s like… it’s her fault, but it’s not her fault that she doesn’t realize it’s her fault. I get what I’m saying, I don’t blame you guys for not getting it… that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need help, she still needs to step back and understand why people take offense to her so often, and she needs to try and think about what she says before saying it, ESPECIALLY through text, where we are ALL guilty of reading it wrong.

oh, but “Annatier” doesn’t think it’s our fault at all. she’d rather believe that we’re the only one with this problem, and you all know how she feels entitled to being understood without bothering to understand others who may be in our exact same situation. she’s the one who tells me we’re the only one in the world with these problems, which makes me feel alone. without my meds, my rational mind has a hard time convincing me that she’s wrong… because she IS wrong. it’s obvious in “Anna’s” replies that I was unable to step back and think about myself, and the possibility that xXMidnightMuffinXx is in my boat, and I’m just doing the same thing people do to me. “Anna” is a huge hypocrite in nature, and she is blinded by her own feeling of isolation to accept possibilities. she too is guilty of thinking human nature is black and white.

so yeah, we were rude…. but only after xXMidnightMuffinXx was. it’s human nature to defend oneself in such a situation. I had the right to defend myself, but my emotions fucked me up, and instead of inquiring if xXMidnightMuffinXx had meant it in such a rude way, “Annatier” took control. if I had been in a rational and stabilized state, I could have cleared up a misunderstanding if this was indeed a misunderstanding. that’s why I could not understand what she meant by, “you’re one to talk.” but all the same, that was uncalled for, and the “just saying :/” did not help sooth the child that she had unknowingly been talking to.

again, I can’t be sure of this theory. BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE HER FROM HER FUCKING JOURNAL. even though I can’t read it, I’ve read her comments and the description of her latest muffins group submission. she has no excuse to, for one, make this public, and for two, talk shit about me when she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. did I make a journal about her afterward? no. because it was over. I block you, I don’t talk to you, and hopefully, my mind erases you. that’s when you’re supposed to get over it. but no, she says, “I figured that despite Reitanna being a complete and utter asswipe to me (read about that here: www.deviantart.com/xxmidnightm…) I wouldn’t let that stop me from enjoying her fanfictions, Muffins included, much less drawing fanart and submitting it to the group.” she could have said, “despite Reitanna and I having a falling out, I wouldn’t let that stop me from enjoying her fanfictions,” WITHOUT a link to a journal because the journal should not exist. I am only making this journal to stop her from fueling a fire that I thought was extinguished, but no, I’m apparently SUPER important to her, because she can’t let this go. she wastes her energy telling everyone in her comments that I’m this and that and that and this, when I should not even exist to her anymore. news flash, girly, I’M NOT THAT IMPORTANT. I’m a complete stranger to you, I’m nothing, I’m a fabrication to you.

this happens a lot. I block someone, nine times out of ten for a good reason, and they just can’t deal with it. they act like I punched them in the gut and stole their kidney. why do they care so much? they’ve never met me in person, they haven’t spent time with me, I’m not worth their energy. A pair of them went out of their way to make that ED page about me. that would’ve taken HOURS! HOURS spent on… ME?! what am I to you?! an idol? a GOD?! Jesus Christ, what fantastical version of me have you made up to think that I’M something so special?! if I were MJK, I could understand, but I’m not! I’m a nobody! if I’m your version of white Jesus, then you need a reality check. stop putting me on a pedestal that I have no right to be on. if I fucking block you, you did something wrong, even if you think you didn’t. I’m talking to you, CreepyMax123. and that friend you mentioned, the charlotte person I blocked “for some reason,” I don’t even recognize that screen name, but I can assure you, she did something to deserve it, and so did you. I just can’t remember what it was.

and your little conversation about how I “manipulate” people and accept apologies face-to-face or whatever? what the fuck? what the ACTUAL fuck? he says, “& that type of shit makes her go nuts. I mean criticism is a good thing to improve on certain subjects, but to her it’s more like we’re saying that it’s shit.” um… FUCKING DUH. have you been paying attention at ALL? but you fuckers wouldn’t know what real criticism is anyway. let me give you an example of someone who ACTUALLY gave me proper constructive criticism… for the first time in YEARS!

 

“Can I just suggest something, for the skirt, I think it should be a darker colour because I feel like it doesn’t typically match the setting for the character or even a pastel. I could send you a couple of colours that would work with the setting you’re trying to put. The cigarette as the tail could have been removed but you do what you’d like. The spine on the torso could use some work, it looks too simplistic but you tried and I don’t blame you. The sharp ‘teeth’ really do add a creepy vibe. I also love how you did the bear. You could also add some stuffing that’s coming out but yet this is your choice to take most or some of these suggestions, or even none if you feel fine with it.

You don’t have to listen to me at all and please, respond if you have anything to say about this and PLEASE don’t hesitate whether or not if I had said something or anything in general. I welcome anyone with open arms to say anything about this.”

Thank you and have a wonderful day! :)”

 

THAT’S how you do it! THAT is civil! THAT is kind! THAT is helpful!!! you can’t just tell me that my shit is shit and NOT expect me to get mad! all y’all who make a big deal out of me being unable to handle criticism need to get over it because even if it’s true, it might NOT be as true as I always thought. YOU people think criticism means insulting and downing someone. the person who wrote the comment above? NONE of that bothered me at ALL, and I even agreed with some of it. the parts I may not agree with were simply because it’s that way for a specific reason. that also gets me… when I tell someone it’s that way for a reason, and they act like I shot them in the leg. GET OVER IT. but I replied to this kind person and I thanked him/her for the first civil criticism I’ve received in a LONG time, YEARS. I got another one somewhere after that from someone else, and I thanked them as well. you don’t have to fucking agree with me, you don’t have to fucking see it my way to be NICE!

CreepyMax123 goes on to say, “That’s what she does, she makes us feel we’re the bad guy as she’s the good guy. We all have different views and opinions, but it seems like she wants everyone that follows her to have her views and such.” O RLY? I make the “bad guys” know they’re the “bad guys.” you’re just butthurt because YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! I don’t pretend to be the good-NEVER-bad guy! I just used this journal to analyze a conversation and prove that, YES, I too was a bad guy! again, WHY have you got it in your head that I’m perfect?! and “it seems like she wants everyone that follows her to have her views and such?” where the FUCK did you get that idea??? do you know how good it feels to discover when someone shares the same views? notice how I say “TO DISCOVER?” that means I don’t expect people to share my exact views! all I ever want is for people to be able to UNDERSTAND the situation! to see it from my point of view enough to be able to figure out the problem! I have NEVER expected people to share all my views. I guarantee there are some of you who don’t support the death penalty or think medicinal marijuana needs to be banned everywhere! stupid people don’t share my views on racism, sexism, and LGBT matters because those are non-negotiable. my views are no different than the rest of the intelligent people who realize we’re all equal. but you know, if you caught “Anna,” yeah, she wants everyone to see things our way, but Max, YOU DIDN’T CATCH “ANNA.” that comment and the following are bullshit, and you know it.

“What’s worse is that she doesn’t accept any apologies through online, she wants it face-to-face…Like as if I’m gonna drive across America to Idaho”

what. the. FUCK. what fantasy world do you live in? I have NEVER said that. in fact, just a few days ago, I received a message from someone apologizing for what they said to me in 2015, which resulted in whatever account they used to get blocked. I did not remember this person, of course, but he/she explained to me what happened, and guess what? did what YOU need to do and admitted they had been in the wrong. I could tell that they truly meant their apology, so I forgave them. that’s not just a one-time thing, either, there is NO evidence of me saying that I don’t accept apologies online and that I want it face-to-face. STOP. LYING. I’m not generous with forgiveness, meaning I don’t just blindly forgive people. I have to see that they mean it. I’ve said that it’s EASIER to tell when someone means it face-to-face, but I have NEVER said I NEEDED it. you call me manipulative, but you twist my words around to get people like Midnight on your side, as she responds with, “okay what the fuck I’m not sure how many brain cells I lost when reading that.” well, hunny, I question the number of brain cells you had in the first place to just accept that what he says is fact. I know you don’t know me that well, but DAMN, you know me enough to know that that doesn’t even sound like something I’d say. not even “Anna” would say that. with a statement as stupid as Max’s, that’s when you should’ve said, “well, wait, that doesn’t sound like her.” no, instead, you take this fictional person Max has created and think that she’s actually me. but you just kept adding to this fictional character, didn’t you?

“Kinda weird for you to be commenting now but okay.”

“But yeah she tends to post a lot of uncredited shit. I get the bases but when she traces screenshots from like anime or something, isn’t that illegal? Not to mention she gets all butthurt when people ask her to use her vectors and question her when she says no.”

T_T why. why? why are you making shit up when you know people can easily call you out on it? and did you totally miss my journal about fair use? HERE: www.deviantart.com/reitanna-se…　

any “uncredited shit” is free to use without credit. it’s called PUBLIC DOMAIN, you nitwit. then you say I trace screenshots from anime or something? I am unaware of me doing this, as the few things I trace, I always say I traced it, and what from. how do you think people make bases that aren’t their original work? 99% of MLP bases are traced from screenshots of the show. I don’t leave links to certain things, either because I don’t remember where I got it because I’m an image hoarder, or I CAN’T because the source is NSFW. posting links to NSFW stuff on DA is AGAINST THE FUCKING RULES. and guess what? I even have pictures that I did trace as a teenager where, when I saw them recently, I actually edited the description and said, “I don’t know why I didn’t specify that this was traced.” regardless, I don’t trace very often, at least, unless it’s a base. that’s kind of the nature of bases, you know? but it’s not 100% traced because I have to fix certain proportions that the base creator messed up. other things? I FUCKING REFERENCE. that means you look at the picture and try to draw it on your own. so if you’re talking about me tracing Pinkamena recently, THAT’S HOW ALL OF THE MLP VECTORS ARE MADE.

oh, and “Not to mention she gets all butthurt when people ask her to use her vectors and question her when she says no?” NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! if someone asks you for permission, and you say no, the right thing to do is to say, “okay,” not pester you and ask why! no means no, and that’s that! are you saying that, if someone asks another for sex, and they say no, the one who asked should inquire WHY?! are you saying that, if a video game developer wants to use an asset from another game, and the developer of the other game says no, the first person should ask WHY?! I mean, come on, I can excuse you if you have speech and social development issues, but remember when I said, “sometimes you say the most asinine things?” YEAH. THIS. PRIME EXAMPLE. it’s STUPID!

ShysWorld, love you, but I actually didn’t understand your comment on the situation, so I sent you a PM. Her comment was not about me, I misunderstood due to use of pronouns. XD but the response from Midnight when Shy told her I marked her comments as spam…

“SPAM”? Are you fucking serious? If she considers that to be SPAM than she’s stupider and crazier than we thought. Fuck, I should’ve screenshotted the conversation.”

I’m crazy and stupid for marking your comment as spam. *sigh* I’m surprised I have to explain this one too. you see, on DA, you can’t report comments for abuse. you can report the user, but it’s easier on everyone if you simply bring the comments to DA’s attention, and THEY can decide if it’s worth taking action. the only way to do that is to mark it as spam. do you get it? I just… I just cannot get over you calling me stupid for something that is… not stupid or crazy at all. WHERE is your brain?!

LightningandDash, I actually don’t know who you are, but your comments don’t make me think you’re a fakie or anything. in fact, it was harmless until you said, “I don’t see why I should be forced to like more than just that however, that’s the vibe I get from her.” I’m sorry you get that vibe? I am actually really shocked that you said that. see, I don’t get where some people are getting their information. why would I force you to like stuff? fakies are the fans of Muffins who, not only just like Muffins, but don’t respect that I have other projects, don’t care that I have other interests, and tell me to stop working on said projects so that I can make more Muffins just for them. if there is a source you can find where I gave you the wrong impression, I’d be happy to review it and clear things up for you. I often tell fakies to try my other stuff, but I have NEVER attempted to force my other stuff on people. a suggestion is not the same as forcing. so again, I’m sorry you got such a distasteful vibe from me, and if there are any other things you have trouble understanding, again, please come to me if it bothers you so I can explain. all I ever ask is for people to understand and respect. honestly, Midnight is not helping in this situation and is probably making the vibe worse for you. I also should probably be ignoring this situation, but when someone is spreading MORE lies about me, I have a passionate desire to let everyone know the truth, and Midnight has taken this so far, I am… just… this needs to be done. Midnight says, “I knew she gets pissed over nothing but a block is a little unnecessary.” I get pissed over nothing? I’m sorry, but who was the one making a huge deal about lines in the hair of a cartoon character? XD and no, the block was not unnecessary. regardless if you share my same problems with speech and social development, it doesn’t change the fact that this was the last straw. unmedicated, I acted unfavorably, yes, but every other time, I’ve had my medication. you have it in your mind that you did NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. I know what I did wrong. you NEVER think you did something wrong, and it bugs me. I blocked you because your behavior was bad for my health. if you have the same problems I do, you should understand that that is a completely reasonable reason to block someone. in fact…

a few years ago, I got a message from a fan, a private message, and at the time, I was going through a LOT of shit that I was venting about. that person flat out told me that, even though they usually like my stuff and don’t have anything really against me as a person, being a watcher of mine was messing with their own chemical imbalances, and that, FOR THEIR HEALTH, they had to stay away from my stuff for while. they apologized but said they had to block me so they don’t see my stuff. they were EXTREMELY civil, explained their situation perfectly, and even though I was off my meds and my feelings were hurt, I was able to tell this person that I was sorry for causing any harm, that I understood, and that I hoped they’d be able to keep themselves in a better place. I don’t know if that person ever returned to my stuff, but it doesn’t matter. if my content and my behavior at the time was affecting their health negatively, then they had EVERY right to quit me, and I have the utmost respect for the way that person handled it. I’m pretty surprised “Anna” was able to handle it so well too.

you think you’re innocent, but you’re not. can’t you at least recognize where you were at fault? maybe I DID misunderstand your tone, that was my fault, and I’m sorry if that is indeed the case. however, there’s no way in hell an intelligent person can’t see where they were wrong, and during the years of knowing you, I’ve got QUITE a lot to work with to measure your intelligence… I don’t remember how old you are now, but Jesus, I can’t count how many times I’ve had to sit back with my face in my hands, resisting the temptation to seriously ask you if you’re trolling me, or just plain stupid. Michael has caught me in some of these situations, and he is extremely intelligent, albeit sometimes unobservant, but he’s seen your comments in these instances and laughed at the idiocy. We’re both above average intelligence, we are not geniuses, we don’t think we’re smarter than everyone, but dammit, like anyone in our places and above, stupid seriously hurts. to define stupidity, it is lack of proper judgment, not the lack of knowledge. well, we know by now that common sense isn’t very common at all.

I could’ve forgiven you, admitted my wrongs straight to you, and apologized for my hand in the fight. you could’ve explained to me what you meant by the comments that I read in a rude tone. we could’ve had a discussion, or you could’ve just taken the block and pretend like you’ve never spoken to me before, and only know my fanfictions. but no, you continued making a big deal out of something, talked shit about me to others, insulted me, and worst of all, LIED to people about me. if you had truly wanted to be unblocked, you could have been the mature one to admit where you were wrong and apologize, in which I would do the same. instead, you sabotaged yourself and made sure that I’d never want to have anything to do with you again. you did something that “Annatier” would’ve done. and you know you lied, you AND Max. your past behavior is something I could’ve excused, but your recent behavior is absolutely inexcusable. for everything I’ve had to put up with from you, I never thought you’d sink this low, I never thought that you’d turn to straight and deliberate harassment. I could report you for this. I could also log out and read your little journal about me, which probably spreads more lies. I didn’t even want to spend this energy on you, I wanted to let my mind wipe you away. what else have you lied about? what lies have you told me that I could not catch? and you say you were recently diagnosed with short term memory loss. where this is entirely possible, I can’t help but find it ironic, and due to your dishonesty, I also can’t help but think you’re making it up to have an excuse. I don’t know for sure, maybe you ARE telling the truth about that. but if you’re not, let me just say that, as someone who ACTUALLY suffers from short term memory loss, it’s not fucking funny. it’s SCARY, alright? granted, it’s super convenient if I want to forget a small, parasitic memory and/or person, but it makes life SO much harder, I can’t even remember faces well and there are moments in time where it’s just… BLANK. it’s not fun, it’s not cool, I hate it, and it’s my fault. so if you’re faking, seriously? step off.

this is not what I wanted to wake up to today. I managed to have a nightmare-less sleep, and I woke up having won a fight. if I had stayed asleep, there’s a good chance it could’ve gone downhill, but I escaped, and I was going to work on my mod today, but now I’m filled with absolute disappointment and more bewilderment at how humans like this behave. I don’t know why I’m surprised anymore, but I am. as much harm as I did on my side, it doesn’t compare to the harm done by the other side in the aftermath.

note that all comments have been copy and pasted directly from their source. I specify this to let you know that none of the words have been tampered with, and no important details have been left out. you see, I’ve often had the feeling that people tamper with my own text to fit their narrative, and I have to make sure that I am not suspected of doing the same, since so many people don’t know what a code of honor is, or they don’t know the definition of honesty. it’s not like these comments CAN’T be found anyway unless she actually deletes the journal and deviation, and unless I deleted my deviation where the comments are hidden, which I’m not gonna do. also, note that I wish I could disable comments on this journal. I know there’s a lot of sheep bait in here. I’m not going to waste my time on further harassment or bullying, so if you’re in with Midnight’s Dishonesty Posse, you and I will not be conversing. if you’ve got nothing… CIVIL to say… don’t say it at all. (the saying calls for the word “nice,” but that might give the haters an excuse to say that I want everyone to like… compliment me or side with me or something. because I’m totally your leader in this cult. T_T)

guys… do me a favor… when I die, bury me face down. that way the world can kiss my fucking ass.

 

:::UPDATE:::

and just as a response to a more recent thing she said (that these are “pity paragraphs”), everyone who knows me knows I don’t like pity or sympathy. there is no reason to read these paragraphs and think it was pity. Midnight, if you’re such a “big fan,” you would never have said that. you wouldn’t be saying a lot of things you know are bullshit. learn what empathy means. apparently, she read my journal, but everything sailed over her head. I can’t handle more stupidity from her. she needs to GET OVER IT. I will NEVER unblock her, I will NEVER forgive her, and I will NEVER speak to her again. she is NOTHING to me but a… what she calls “fan.” Midnight, I caught you telling lies about me, and your “I’d be happy to talk this out” is fucking meaningless because you resorted to harassment AND you can’t admit your side of the fault. if you read my journal word for word, and you STILL don’t fucking get it, SERIOUSLY. YOU IDIOT. I am BAFFLED by your continued behavior. YOU posted shit about me after I blocked you. I was over it after I blocked you. and now I’m over this. YOU’RE PERMANENTLY BLOCKED. GET OVER IT. GOODBYE.

 

Sorry if the links don’t work, I’m a bit too lazy to fix them. When I discovered her second journal, I was seriously so angry, I wanted to cry, especially since some people in her comments believed her. Not to mention that she hasn’t learned anything and ABUSED this person who came forward. I won’t get into details about why they messaged me.

Midnight sarcastically referred to me as “our lord and savior.” Is this because she’s convinced herself that I think I’m some kind of godly figure? Or did SHE actually worship me? The latter seems more probable because… HELLO! WHY HASN’T SHE JUST LET THIS GO!?!? She claims to have “cut herself” after I blocked her. Why? Why is she so obsessed with me? I am not that important! Are you gonna come shoot me too? Huh, Mark David Chapman?

My informant told me, “I think the saddest part is that she probably won’t ever learn. Trying to teach her anything was like pulling teeth (and that’s saying a lot, coming from me), and she’s been sheltered her whole life. Her grandma coddles and spoils her, Her dad spoils her as well, and her new boyfriend is just as blind to her bullshit as I once was and always feeds her exactly what she wants to hear. It’s going to be pretty hard for her to progress in the real world when she surrounds herself in yesmen.” In one of Midnight’s replies to someone, I saw her say that she likes drama. It made me want to throw up, especially after hearing what she did to this other victim.

Who else has she done this too? Why does she enjoy spreading lies about people when we can easily prove her wrong? Why does she like to hurt people? Why can’t she just get over a couple of lines in a cartoon character’s hair?! Not only that, but many of my watchers messaged me privately back in 2018 and told me she had been PMing them to try and turn them against me. Pathetic. Really, the only people who are on their side are people who have never met me and don’t bother to fact check, and people I’ve blocked because they did something stupid. These people get all butthurt when I block them, and I’m like, “then maybe you should’ve checked your attitude at the door, huh?” THEY got themselves blocked, it was THEIR choice to say rude and/or insulting things. That’s why there’s a blocking function, you asswipes.

Honestly, it makes me wish I could track her down and beat the shit out of her. She’d be singing a different tune even if all I did was stand in front of her. I’d skip my meds, and maybe THEN she’d learn not to abuse and lie about people. I still cannot BELIEVE she isn’t over this. I hadn’t even thought of her until her other victim approached me. I want more people who have been abused by her to come out with their stories. People genuinely believe her, and that’s disturbing. It’s also disturbing that I have to be forced to spend MORE energy on her. She WANTS me to give her attention. She thinks this is a BATTLE, like one of us should win. No, it’s just her being a horrible human being and me making sure no one believes her to protect myself. All she had to do in the first place was LET IT GO.

If someone is spreading shit about me that concerns you, please come to me before believing it. Unlike the people who are spreading shit, I’m actually going to tell you the truth.

Punished for Not Liking Rape

This happened on the adult custom game content site, LoversLab.

I got multiple unfair warning points and suspensions because I don’t like rape mods. I posted a status that quoted the mods’ reasoning for my first suspension, which literally told me I was being punished BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THEM. Then I was suspended a second time because of this status, which was on MY profile, not on any thread, and I was accused of “crusading” against the mods that I don’t like. I can’t even begin to describe how completely idiotic that is. For one, you can’t punish me for voicing my opinion on MY profile if it’s not harassing someone. For two, you cannot punish me FOR NOT LIKING SOMETHING. I don’t like rape. I am a normal and sane person (well, not entirely, but still). You cannot change my mind, and you cannot force me to like it. I’M SORRY. This is not how forums work. There is no rule that says, “you are required to like all mods regardless of their content.” I don’t like the drug mods either. But most of all, I was not and am not CRUSADING. If I were crusading, I’d probably try to start a petition, I’d gather up as many LoversLab users as I could find that agree with me, and we’d all be actively DOING SOMETHING. I didn’t do shit. I am allowed to complain about it when it’s not even directed at anyone. So if “crusading” means giving up, not doing anything to change things, and simply saying how horrible it is, then I’d like to know where that definition came from.

My status last time showed the message I received from a mod that said I was being punished for not liking something on the site. I wanted to show how ludicrous that was. Again, you can’t punish someone for NOT LIKING SOMETHING!! That’s like if I was with a group of people who liked onions, but I don’t like onions, so they stone me to death! It doesn’t make sense and you know it. I contacted Ashal about this, but as far as I know, nothing’s been done so far since my points have not been removed. Let me mention that I correctly reported the mod. When you click “report,” it gives you reasons for reporting it that you have to check before providing additional details (I included a screenshot). If there hadn’t been a reason that matched mine, I wouldn’t have reported it, but there was. THE VERY FIRST ONE said, “this is okay, but I want to tell a moderator about it.” After filling it out, I got warned for it. Um, okay? When I questioned this, I was told that I reported a mod, not a comment. Uh… yeah, I know, and I was able to report it because my reason was on the checklist. I was told, “The abuse of the report button comes from you reporting something you deem is wrong and that we should take it down because you don’t like it.” For one, if I’m not allowed to report it for the reason I chose, why is the option there? For two, no, I didn’t say, “you should take it down because I don’t like it.” I can’t actually access my report, so I can’t quote it, but I KNOW I didn’t say that. I’m sure I mentioned that it was indeed wrong, and it should be taken down… not because I don’t like it, because it’s WRONG. I wanted the moderators to be aware of its existence because I DID NOT KNOW THAT ZOOPHILIA WAS ALLOWED HERE. How could I know that something as vile as child pornography was allowed here? I CORRECTLY reported something using the reasons I was given as choices to check. What should’ve happened was that a moderator should’ve messaged me and said, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing we can do, as this is allowed on site.” Not. A fucking. Warning.

Second warning point was for “abusive behavior,” which I assume came about when I was asking someone on the support thread how anyone could think it was okay. I explained my feelings and was trying to understand from them what the appeal was. I was sobbing as I wrote it, and I’m trying not to cry right now. The reason I was given was this:

“You are getting a warning point that will last for a month because you don’t like something that is allowed on this site.

You will not be able to post or respond to any topic for a week.

If you don’t like a mod just skip it. If its content is not against our rules it will stay.”

That’s right, like I said before… because I don’t like it. Not because I argued about it, not because my desperate attempt to understand was mistaken for harassment, but BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE IT. After my suspension, I posted a status quoting this message, and then I said something like, “I didn’t know we’re required to like every mod. Sorry, but I’m not a sick freak,” or something. It’s been too long, I don’t remember, and it’s gone now, THEY deleted it. Then, I was given THREE warning points with this message:

“You’re given an additional warning and a month-long posting restriction for continuing your crusade against content we allow in your status update, after being repeatedly told to stop. What is and isn’t allowed in terms of content isn’t going to change. What you can and cannot say when you don’t like a type of content is also set in stone: see our site rule number 1. It’s the first one for a reason. If you cannot abide by it, feel free to delete your account. Continuing like this will result in a ban.” (Let me mention that I was not repeatedly told to stop, as it was my first status on the matter. Actually, I was not repeatedly told to stop anything, only repeatedly told I abused the report button, WHICH I DIDN’T).

Rule number one states the following:

“The biggest and most important thing of this community is that the modders come first. They are the ones who make this community worth coming to, they are the ones enabling you to even play these mods.  Meaning if you don’t like the way a mod is going, don’t be a jerk about it, they can take the mod in whatever direction they want. Don’t like it? Then make your own release and put the work in yourself. Find a bug or issue that needs to be fixed? Don’t be a jerk about it and raise your concerns and feedback in a constructive manner.”

What I take from that is say…. let’s see… well, I have a problem with heterosexual incest for scientific reasons, and not because it’s taboo. However, if like… a brother and a sister are stupid enough to fuck, well… it’s not hurting either of them, is it? It’s consensual. It’s illegal in most places for a VERY good reason, but the reason has nothing to do with force. The only person it technically harms is the messed up baby they might have. So rule number one says I can’t comment on a mod with heterosexual incest couples and say like, “this is wrong, you know that they can reproduce, right? We don’t need any more fuck ups in the gene pool.” Sure, I’m thinking this, but I’m not gonna say it! Why? Because it’s not really hurting anyone.

Same with drug mods. I figured that they are allowed here, but that doesn’t mean I like them. In my head, I am shaming every single person who wants such a thing in their game because I am hardcore straight edge and for good reasons. Still, I keep my mouth shut and move on.

But rape? RAPE?! That doesn’t even come CLOSE to what I previously mentioned!! Understandably, child porn is not allowed here because it’s not just illegal, but harmful, MORALLY WRONG, and can trigger PTSD flashbacks in real people who come across it. What else falls under those reasons? Rape (zoophilia is rape). I was told this:

“You reported a MOD not a comment. On the report you stated how you think the fetish is wrong and that we the moderators should have enough common sense and take it down. We have common sense we know what is and isn’t allowed on the site. Bestiality isn’t against the sites rules.

“The foundation of this site is built upon fetishes like bestiality rape slavery vore nudity sex and so on. As long as the stuff isn’t against the sites rules like stuff dealing with children then it’s allowed on the site.

We get too many people who report files just because they don’t like a specific fetish.”

Once again, yes, I know I reported a mod, and I chose the correct reason to do so. If I’m not allowed to do that, DON’T MAKE IT AN OPTION. And yes, people with common sense would not allow these kinds of things on their site. Now… how was I supposed to know that bestiality wasn’t against the rules? I don’t see it there. I don’t see a rule that says rape is allowed. I see that CP is not. I also see rule number four:

“If you find yourself asking, ‘Should I post this questionably legal content?’ The answer is simply no.”

Funny, ain’t it? In fact, the only way I learned that human rape is allowed here was by me reporting a “forced sex” mod when I was new to this site. Actually, this story relates to another thing I was told:

“The abuse of the report button comes from you reporting something you deem is wrong and that we should take it down because you don’t like it. Bestiality mods are not against the sites rules and my warning that you got isn’t the first one you have gotten from a moderator for the same thing so you can’t try to play innocent. [person] [person] [person] and me have all given you a warning for the same thing.

Your free to message Ashal if you like.”

(I love the use of proper punctuation.) “You can’t try to play innocent.” I don’t “play” anything. Dude, I’m twenty-eight years old, what adult “plays” innocent? I AM innocent, and I’ll tell you why. The first time I reported a mod (the forced sex one), I was properly reacted to with a civil message from an admin that explained it was allowed on the site. They even said they personally don’t agree with it. I questioned them about why, but eventually, even though I still don’t understand why, it came to, “that’s just the way it is.” HOWEVER… after I reported the mod, I reported a comment for asking the creator, “can you make them scream and cry so it seems like they’re suffering more?” This comment made me want to throw up. I thought, “this is illegal,” so I clicked report on the comment. So far, I had clicked the report button ONCE on two separate things. So I got warned by the RUDEST admin here, but as you may have noticed, I’m not mentioning people by name. Anyway, he gave me a warning for “abusing the report button.” That’s when I contacted Ashal, and long story short, he agreed that the admin should not have acted that way, and my point was removed.

I had another run in with this site’s rudest admin, but I don’t remember why, probably because it was another stupid reason. He was even more rude, and at one point, he said, “I busted your ass for abusing the report button too.” I reminded him that Ashal said he was out of line, and even showed him the messages. I had to contact Ashal AGAIN to set this guy straight! So yeah, moderator who said “you can’t try to play innocent,” I HAVE gotten warning points before… and they were ruled as unjustified and REMOVED. And those other admins you mentioned were also in the wrong for warning me for this! I reported the zoophilia mod ONCE. I clicked the button ONCE. I was able to find my reason given to me BY THE SITE. I. Did. Not. Do. Anything. WRONG!!

And they said, “We get too many people who report files just because they don’t like a specific fetish.” OKAY! There you go! If you get that many people complaining about fucking RAPE, then don’t allow it!! JESUS CHRIST!! And it’s not a fetish! These are criminal urges that these monsters have, and you’re encouraging them! I’ve never been raped in reality, but upon seeing the zoophilia mod, I almost threw up. I was crying, I was SCARRED, I could not find happiness for WEEKS. After this ordeal that you people have put me through, I feel like I need therapy!

I was brutally raped in a nightmare I had once, one of the most detailed and realistic ones I’ve ever had. First let me explain that I suffer from C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), which is a type of PTSD victims of abuse suffer from. I was only molested once in my life for a brief moment, but I was too young to understand it, and it has not scarred me. My PTSD comes from child abuse. Because of this, I have what I affectionately call “nightmare seasons.” Ask anyone who has a form of PTSD, and they can confirm that this is a regular thing. It’s where you have brutal nightmares and night terrors that occur nearly every night for weeks, sometimes months on end. They will stop for a brief period of time (a few days or weeks), and you will have normal nightmares and dreams, but then the nightmares return for another merciless round. These are nightmares that haunt you for days at a time, maybe more. They affect your mood during the day, you can’t get them out of your head, you feel physically exhausted, mentally drained, and you usually wake up drenched in cold sweat. My side of the mattress has a big pink stain where my sweat has made the pink color of our sheets run. Not only that, but my dreams are so realistic, it’s as if the me in this reality goes to bed only to shift to another me in a different reality, and then I return to my reality when SHE goes to sleep.

Anyway, I wrote a blog about it, one that took me six hours to write. It’s here if you want to read it: https://reitannaseishin.wordpress.com/2017/04/24/dreams-and-the-multiverse-theory/

This projection (person who exists in your dreams), Randy, shows up a lot. In short, this extremely violent nightmare tied together a string of other nightmares into a story (I wrote a blog about how my dreams all connect with each other too), solving a LOT of mysteries, like why I’m crippled in most of my dreams. It’s because Randy, after brutally killing my adopted child, held me on my hands and knees, pointed a gun at the back of my head, raped me, and then shot me in the spine. I FELT EVERYTHING. I always do. I ALWAYS feel pain in my dreams, and also pleasure, but this hurt. This hurt so bad, I am still not over it. It was so fucking real, when I woke up, I was confused as to where I was. I started sobbing, and my poor boyfriend was absolutely bewildered. I didn’t think that that would scar me… it wasn’t real, right? But it did. I am not saying that I now qualify as a rape victim. What I’m saying is, if a DREAM did that to me, how the fuck do you think it affects people who experience it for REAL?

Fetishes are not supposed to harm people unless all who are involved consent to it. Rape of any species is not a fetish. When I complained about it, I was bullied for it. “Land of Confusion,” anyone? One mentioned that it didn’t hurt anyone because it was just a game, that it’s ENTERTAINING if it’s fake. But you know what? It DOES hurt people. It didn’t just hurt me to see it, it fucking DESTROYED me. Even trying to ignore it, if it’s even MENTIONED, I break down. The human rape mods aren’t as bad as the zoophilia one, so you can imagine just how traumatizing it was. Would you fuck your child? Well, that’s what you’re doing to your beloved cat or dog. You’re RAPING your child. I look at my son, Jerry, who is a rat, and I don’t see someone sexy, I see someone precious that I want to protect and care for, someone to love platonically until I die, someone to cherish and respect. It’d be the same if he were a dog, cat, or even a lizard. He is my child, I adopted him, and he is EVERYTHING TO ME.

I actually did try to change things on this site. I tried contacting the company the site was bought from, and I tried bringing the case to EA. I never got an answer from the former, and I didn’t hear the conclusion from the latter. After that, I gave up trying to change it, and I ignored it like y’all wanted me to. But then you accuse me of CRUSADING just by posting a status? Am I going to get banned for posting this blog? I’m doing this because I NEED TO. I’m not trying to change your mind, if I were, I’d actually DO something! I’m not some SJW that acts like she’s gonna do something about it but doesn’t! I have very important rules that I live by. The first one is, NEVER TRUST ANYONE. Second, ALWAYS be honest. Third, hope is a waste of time, faith is a lie, and you should give up on your dreams because they never come true anyway. Are you afraid of me? You shouldn’t be, I have no power. I’d love to snap my fingers and eliminate all of the disgusting monsters on this planet, but I can’t. I am no threat to you. You guys did a lot of mental damage to me, congratulations, but seriously, what are you expecting me to do? Do you know how much I’ve had to endure during my life? Enough to know that giving up is the only option. I gave up before you gave me that second fucking suspension, in which case ALL warning points and suspensions were unjustified, unreasonable, and unfair.

I seriously hope Ashal delivers repercussions for your insubordination. Plus, how many people are reading my blogs or looking at my status anyway? One or two people?! Yup, I’m building me an army. Maybe you guys should mention in the rules that crimes such as rape are allowed. That way, instead of punishing people, and THEN telling them it’s allowed, they will already know. You can’t punish a child for drawing on the walls if you never taught it that it’s wrong.

Now leave me alone.

~:::UPDATE:::~

I got banned for posting this journal. My account was reactivated, but still, I got banned simply for speaking my mind, and the journal was removed. The only reason I still go to LoversLab is because it’s the only place that has quality adult Sims content. Otherwise I wouldn’t deal with the heavy corruption happening behind the scenes of this website. I’m sorry, but if you enjoy rape, if you consider it a fetish, if you WANT it, you are sick, you are a criminal, and you should be eradicated. I wish I ruled the world.