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Current Qualifications for Being Emo

The word “emo” popped up in juvenile labels at some point, and has become very misconstrued over the years. Basically, it took fashion styles from gothic, punk, grunge, skater, and rave, mixed them all together, and vomited them into the face of society. On top of that, they made the act of self mutilation “cool,” as well as being miserable. The word itself comes from the word “emotional.”

However, it’s been eaten and thrown back up so many times, we’re unsure of what it even is anymore! This makes low life kids, tweens, and teens call anyone who is anyone “emo,” almost as if it’s become a fad to call people “emo.” Of course, those of us in the real world know that fads and labels are a waste of time.

But in case you’re wondering, or if you’re afraid of being accused of being “emo,” I’m going to tell you the things that currently qualify you as “emo.”

First off, your hair must be one (or a mix) of the following colors:

  • Black
  • Blonde
  • Brown
  • Blue
  • Pink
  • Purple
  • Green
  • Orange
  • Yellow
  • Red
  • White
  • Silver

Next, your hair must be styled in one (or a mix) of the following fashions:

  • Side swept fringe
  • Straight across fringe
  • No fringe
  • Pixie
  • Bob
  • Ringlets
  • Wavy
  • Short
  • Medium
  • Long
  • Shaved
  • Bald

When it comes to clothing, you must be very careful. If you don’t want to be called “emo,” avoid wearing any of the following colors in any shade:

  • Black
  • White
  • Grey
  • Pink
  • Blue
  • Purple
  • Green
  • Red
  • Yellow
  • Orange

BROWN IS THE SAFE COLOR! As for patterns, avoid any of the following:

  • Stripes
  • Polka dots
  • Checkers
  • Argyle
  • Animal print
  • Sawtooth
  • Paint splatters
  • Flowers
  • Spikey stuff
  • Plaid
  • Just lines
  • Solid

In order to be “emo,” your clothes must be any of these:

  • Long sleeved
  • Short sleeved
  • Spaghetti strap
  • Sleeveless
  • Cut off
  • Corsets
  • Dresses, any length
  • Skirts, any length
  • Shorts, any length
  • Pants
  • Any kind of belts

Shoes must consist of:

  • Boots
  • High heels
  • Wedges
  • Sneakers
  • Canvas shoes
  • Sandals
  • Those weird like… roman type shoes…
  • Uggs
  • Crocks
  • Flats
  • Swimming flippers
  • Those traditional Japanese wooden sandals
  • Slippers

For socks or leggings in any color, styles must include:

  • Stripes
  • Polka dots
  • Rainbow
  • Argyle
  • Animal print
  • Sawtooth
  • Checkers
  • Plaid
  • Patterns with licensed cartoons from any genre
  • Solid
  • Fishnet
  • Lace
  • Any sort of cool patterns knitted into the fabric and stuff
  • Solid color
  • Tights
  • Thigh high
  • Above knee
  • Knee high
  • Ankle
  • Below ankle

In fashion alone, if you don’t want to look emo, you must avoid any of the following:

  • Studs
  • Chains
  • Lace
  • Pleated fabric
  • Layers in clothing
  • That kind of fabric found under poodle skirts
  • Denim
  • Fleece
  • Silk
  • Velvet
  • Suede
  • Leather
  • Pleather
  • Vinyl
  • Collars
  • Chokers
  • Jewelry
  • Tattoos
  • Laces
  • Buttons
  • Frogs
  • Clasps
  • Velcro
  • Rips or tears
  • Hair gel
  • No hair gel
  • Nails painted any color

Also, if you have been professionally diagnosed with ANY mental disability, you’re fucked for life. Though you have to take medication to keep your brain from making you hurt yourself or someone else, and no matter how much therapy you are required by the state to take, no matter how difficult your life has become due to your disorders, YOU ARE “EMO.” Suicidal thoughts, self harm, any sort of anger or sadness of varying levels, and even happiness can tag you. And god forbid, if you have homicidal thoughts, you’re just so super “emo.”

Music is a big one too. If you’re into any of these genres, you’re “emo:”

  • Rock
  • Metal
  • Soft rock
  • Pop
  • Classical
  • Musicals
  • Electronic music under its various sub genres
  • Industrial
  • Punk
  • Grunge
  • Choral music
  • Industrial jungle pussy punk
  • Ambiance and/or binaural beats

Also avoid movies or TV shows from these genres:

  • Horror and all sub genres
  • Drama
  • Romantic
  • Historical
  • Documentaries of any kind
  • Comedy
  • Thriller
  • Mystery
  • Anything animated

So, in conclusion, in order to NOT be “emo,” you must either be plain and boring, or a hip gangsta wannabe. Also note that AGE DOES NOT MATTER!! If you’re an adult who has discarded labels back in high school, and you just dress however you want as long as it’s cute, if you shop at Forever21, Hot Topic, JCPenny… or anywhere else for that matter, you are NOT safe from the “emo” tag! Even if you looooove colors, or even if your job requires you to only wear black. What’s wrong with you? Why are you not a hip gangsta wannabe?

Also beware of art. If you are an artist, or even like ANY type of art, you’re soooooooooo super “emo.” Video games also fuck you. Sideways!

Even though labels don’t exist in the real world, you’ll still be tagged by little kids, tweens, and teenagers over the internet because they’re too scared to say it to an adult’s face. These youngins usually have low intelligence, are easily influenced into doing bad things, and will become future criminals. They will enter the real world with a warped idea of how adulthood is supposed to be, and then realize they are completely fucked no matter what they do because they won’t have everything handed to them anymore. They will live with their parents, and possibly continue to act like a little teenager, trolling people on the internet, taking out all of their misery on people who are just simply human beings living their life.

Take my advice: stop being human and transform into a turtle, the least “emo” animal in the world.

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