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Posts tagged ‘dreams’

“Randy” in Parallel Universes

WARNING: Adult content.

I had a stream of different dreams last night, some nightmares that had me wake up in a cold sweat Will Graham style, and a few others that were… pleasant. I’ll try to keep this shorter, as I’ve got to leave at one o’clock for a dentist appointment; I had three teeth pulled last Tuesday, and this is the follow up.

The pleasant ones involve Randy, funnily enough. Remember how I said I hoped I never saw him again? Well, I did, but this time (we’re now speaking as if the dream/multiverse theory is 100% fact), I saw him in two different parallel universes.

The first one was a universe where I refused the offer to stay at my aunt and her wife’s house during the summer before senior year. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read this.) However, there was about a week long period where I didn’t call or text Randy at all, and it was because of a series of checkups with my doctor about my sleeping episodes and the goo I cough up. When I finally called Randy to meet me at the park, I gave him the TIGHTEST hug ever, though he showed some disdain, and he said, “I almost thought you forgot about me.” I told him that I felt guilty, that I should’ve called him, but next thing I knew it, it had been a week, but I definitely did not forget about him. By the way, because I wasn’t going to my aunt’s in this universe, that day in his room never happened. Still, it seemed to become more apparent to him that I was starting to like him back, and after hearing me tell him I had wanted to call him so badly, he was acting more confident. Not only that, but he almost seemed more mature, like how a controlled seventeen year old should be.

We walked around the park a bit, but I didn’t bring him into the forest; I was feeling selfish and didn’t want to distract him from me. He told me he stopped hanging around his old crew, he stopped doing drugs, drinking, tagging, and he hadn’t felt so calm in his entire life. “It’s like there’s nothing to be angry about,” he said. I noticed his hair was starting to grow out too. I said he should apologize to Max about how he treated him for so many years, but he confessed that he wasn’t ready to admit that wrong to him yet. “One step at a time, I guess,” I said. We walked and talked until it started to get dark, and then we hugged and parted ways.

I spent some time with my other friends for a couple of days, and then Steve called me, saying that there was a video game competition, and Randy wanted me to be on his team. It was a first person shooter we had played at his house, but I wasn’t very good at it. I said, “if Randy wants to win, he shouldn’t have me on his team.” Steve said that didn’t matter to him, he just wanted to do something special with me, and this warmed my heart. Of course, this still meant trying to win, so I spent a lot of time at their house practicing. I uh… still wasn’t too good. XD

I ended up seeing Randy’s room at some point, and unlike in the other universe, it was actually clean. There was no mirror that had been punched, probably having been discarded after Randy started to feel well enough to clean, the bed had sheets, wasn’t filthy, and there was no knife. Even the curtains were open. There were open spaces on the walls where I could tell posters had been torn down, and he had a neat stack of CD cases next to his stereo. When we were in there, his father told him to keep the door open, but he disobeyed, quietly shutting it and grinning at me. I felt nervous, but sneered flirtatiously, “are you expecting something to happen?” He sat me on the bed, sitting very close next to me, putting an arm around my waist and resting his forehead on my temple.

“I don’t expect anything, but I want it,” he said. I giggled, my heart pounding, and my teenage hormones were screaming at me. I still had some common sense, though, so all I did was gently touch his forearm, which was resting across his own lap. When I did, he placed that hand on my knee, nuzzled my temple with his nose, and admitted that he wanted to kiss me. I felt like Randy was the type of person to aggressively start a make out session, but that was the old Randy; this Randy was so under control, he no longer acted like a desperate boy, but a smooth man. I couldn’t help it. I turned my head and met his lips. It was brief, and he didn’t push it further, but his expression was the happiest I had ever seen on his face. We ended up lying on his bed and cuddling, though at some point he turned on some music, and that’s how I discovered we had similar tastes in that area. While we cuddled, we talked a little bit, but he kept caressing different parts of my body, though nothing too close to anything… important.

Steve ended up walking in, scolding Randy for disobeying their father and closing the door. Randy wasn’t even upset that he hadn’t knocked before entering, just shrugged it off and turned down his music to hear what his brother was saying. Steve noticed the lack of hostility, and that we both also were fully clothed, and he kept a friendly tone, even teasing Randy, saying, “were you making out with your girlfriend?” Randy calmly replied with a no, not even a blush, and I was so impressed, I never wanted to make out with him so badly. >_< (I guess I can’t keep this short, I have to go. Not that that matters to you, the reader… I’ll be back. o_O)

(Woo! No issues! I’m healing just fine!) Anyway, Steve convinced us to come out and practice with the video game again, so we did, joining him and Oliver. I mean… I was getting better… but my aim was off. It didn’t help that Randy and I kept flirting with each other. By the way, the game was some kind of US Military vs. Alien menace type thing, it took place on their planet, which was mostly purple and dark green, and I don’t exactly know the actual plot. Then their mother came home from work and decided to take us all out for dinner… she had a VAN now, so when we got to that blasted turn, she had us all get out and walk behind the vehicle until she cleared it. I remember crossing my fingers and saying, “please make it, please make it, please make it!” I kept expecting the van to topple over the cliff, but like I said in my last dream, she was an expert! She just didn’t want to risk killing all of us! And so, we got back into the van.

We were at like some… Italian restaurant or something, and the waiter was super rude for no reason. Then we ran into some religious nutcase that was so sexist against men, she started saying out loud that Randy’s mother and I would probably be tied in a basement and repeatedly raped if we associated with the four males for too long. Oliver was crying, and I could tell every single person in the family wanted to lash out at her, especially Randy, who was red in the face and clutching his fist. The family was too polite to shoot back, and Randy was trying to control his anger around me, but I was never one to not stand up for people I cared about. I stood right up, went to where her and her friend were sitting (which was within our view), and started chewing her out about how men and women were equal. I chose pretty colorful language, so she and everyone else within earshot were pretty appalled, parents covering their children’s ears, save for Oliver, because his parents were too shocked that I had the gall to do something like that. We didn’t get kicked out, but we got a strict warning, and the religious woman and her friend left.

After dinner, we took a walk around the town at night, Randy and I lagging behind everyone else, Oliver on Steve’s shoulders, the parents in the front. Randy told me that my standing up for guys was really awesome, and kind of sexy. I clutched his hand, leaning in close to him, and said, “sexy, huh?” I asked him if he thought I was sexy, and he laughed as if it were a stupid question, and he said, “you should know the answer to that by now.” I admitted in a whisper in his ear that I thought he was sexy too, and after that, our flirting became a little less PG, and I allowed his hands to have just a little more freedom when they wandered.

Before they drove back home, I said goodbye to them, and I told Randy I’d text him. I walked to my house… I still haven’t seen my parents in this universe! It was like… they were home, but I never actually saw them! I just went up to my room and thought about my now obvious boyfriend, even though neither of us actually said, “will you go out with me?” It was just something that didn’t need to be said. I wondered to myself how far I should let Randy go… I mean, I was seventeen (in this universe, I hadn’t lost my virginity yet), so it wasn’t like we were still kids. I also thought about our past, everything that Randy and his friends had done to me, and the drugging incident came to mind a few times. But I was changing him, just like Steve had said at the beginning of the summer. I couldn’t even remember the last time Randy had actually lost his temper, but then again, I didn’t see him as often as his family did, so I decided to shoot a text at Steve, asking him when the last time Randy blew up was. “Not since the school year when you and him weren’t talking.” I made a mental note to ask about that next time I saw them.

I didn’t go back to their house for a few days because I went to have a slumber party with my girl friends, which isn’t really the same thing as a bunch of tweens having a slumber party; we didn’t give each other makeovers or fight with pillows or talk about boys, no, we ate pizza, chips, ice cream, and watched a bunch of movies. I’m not as big of a horror junkie in this universe, so my tastes in films were more diverse. Even though I spent that time with them, I made sure not to neglect giving Randy attention this time, texting him whenever I had the chance. I remember one text that said, “our cat just threw up in Steve’s room. He was whining about it, and then I told him that all cats throw up, it’s normal. It’s normal, right?” I told him hairballs were normal, if the cat was throwing up food and junk frequently, there was something wrong. He confirmed that it was just a hairball.

I immediately went back to his house after a day to myself. I was drawing, apparently… of course I was a way better artist than I actually am… I don’t remember what it was though. Anyway, we were playing that video game as usual, but Randy started saying he was getting sort of bored, so he insisted he’d just watch us play. I soon learned that this was just an excuse to discreetly tease me while his brothers were distracted, and I tested to see how far he’d go if I didn’t protest. I didn’t stop him when he put his hands in between my legs, and this was obviously a triumph for him, so he didn’t stop… it was difficult for me to focus on my aim. T_T Eventually, I said I was bored too, and Randy and I casually mentioned we’d be in his room. Again, he closed the door, and I let him push me onto the bed, pin me to it, and kiss me as deeply as he wanted.

Both of his hands were busy playing with my hair, but I decided to pay him back with a firm grope through his pants. He broke the kiss and gave me a look that said, “I can’t believe you just did that.” I guess he didn’t expect me to be so forward, that maybe I’d ask first. But he didn’t ask, it was simply silent consent. I told him I couldn’t help it because he had turned me on, and he admitted that he’s fantasized about me for… pretty much the entire time he’s known me. His feisty happiness dampened when he brought up the drugging, and he said, “even though I already tried apologizing for that, I never stop guilting myself for it. I was such a selfish idiot, I was willing to become a criminal just so I could have you. I won’t ever expect you to forgive me.”

“And I won’t forgive you for that, but I can tell you’ve changed, so I think you’re trying to make up for all of those horrible things by creating new, better memories for us,” I replied. He said that he was in love with me, and he’d never hurt me again. He even said that he was considering going to a therapist to assist in his anger issues; even though he was in control at the moment, he didn’t want to risk an explosion. Ironic, huh? Because exactly that happened in the other universe. I said I was pretty sure I was in love with him too, and this was good enough for him at that moment, and we ended up getting pretty intimate. We didn’t have the opportunity to have sex because Steve rapped his knuckles hard on Randy’s door. He didn’t say anything, but it was enough to tell us that we needed to calm down and keep the door open. It wasn’t too much of a disappointment simply because we were happy just being together.

The video game competition toward the end of the summer turned out exactly as I expected: we lost. I mean, we didn’t lose too badly, we were in the top ten, but we didn’t make it to the finals. However, none of us were sore about it, not even Randy, because it had been loads of fun. We were sitting outside an ice cream parlor with cones in our hands, and Steve joked, “if you two hadn’t been making out so much, we would’ve won.” Randy said we only made out once, but Steve said, “really? Well your guys’ attention definitely wasn’t on the game, was it?” Oliver, being twelve, didn’t fully get what that meant, but Randy and I just laughed. When we were walking to his car to drive back to his house, he told us that, if we were going to try and fool around, we’d better do it when no one was home, like tomorrow around two. Nice hint there, Steven.

Long story short, the next day, their parents were out and Steve took Oliver to a movie. The teenagers left behind finally gave in to each other, and that was that. It certainly wasn’t the last time, either. Our relationship was… solid. There were no problems. I asked Randy what he got angry about the last time he blew up, and he said it was because he thought he fucked up when I first went to his house. He punched his mirror after we didn’t talk for a few days, wondering what he did wrong, and why he was so messed up, and then spent the rest of the school year in a deep depression. When summer started, and I came over the second time, he said he felt like the angry part of his soul had rushed out of his body in a single exhale. Still, he knew he wasn’t healthy, and he said, “if I want to continue being with you, I’m going to have to get help. I don’t want something to set me off and I end up hurting you.” He had become so sweet and thoughtful, and yet still retained his confidence and sassiness. It was like the old Randy had died.

The school year started, and Randy ended up refusing to hang out with John and Jose when they first approached him, saying that they no longer shared the same interests, and they were both flabbergasted to see him holding my hand… as was the rest of the students who knew us. I hadn’t told my friends about our relationship, and they hadn’t seen him for a whole three months, so they kept warning me about him. Max also said I was making a mistake, and I could see how hurt he was that I had chosen Randy out of all people over him. I tried to tell them all that he was better, but it didn’t help that being back at school brought back a lot of stresses for all of us. Randy was a bit short tempered again, and I was scared about him relapsing, but that very first weekend, he told his mother he wanted to see a psychiatrist, and they set up all sorts of appointments for therapy and all of that.

After that, he never even skipped an appointment, having to cancel a few dates with me to ensure he never missed one. The difference was incredible. He’d come to school acting more like he did during the summer, and he explained to me that he had anger issues due to some psychological problems, so he was on medication, and his therapist was teaching him things to do whenever he felt his temper rising. Everyone we knew at school was in disbelief when they noticed how calm and content he was, and he never picked on anyone, laughed from happiness and not from causing other people pain, and he was even keeping up with his school work, so his grades didn’t slip. He wasn’t void of negative emotion, of course, he still got angry, but now it was because of real things instead of little things, and he reacted at the level the situation needed to be reacted to. He was so much more mature, and I had no regrets.

That’s as far as I saw of that universe. Next, I found myself in a different one where I still had my old dog, Kona, and my old cat, Tiger, but we lived in the filthiest house… but I won’t go into that one, because the next pleasant one was another parallel universe with Randy, but this time, he didn’t have anger issues at all. He wasn’t friends with John or Jose, but was friends with Max, and in our freshman year, he only watched me every so often. It wasn’t until some kid was picking on me that Randy defended me, for he still developed a crush on me in this universe, and he ended up getting punched in the gut. That was all the damage that had been done because a teacher saw it, and took the kid to the principal’s office. I thanked Randy, and we introduced ourselves.

I only recognized him, as he was in one of my classes, Math I think, and I had said, “oh, you’re in one of my classes!” He said he saw me drawing a lot, and then dug into his backpack and pulled out two buttons with characters from some video game. “Do these interest you at all?” I said that they did, so he gave them to me, and that started our first conversation that led to a loose friendship.

In sophomore year (our friendship much tighter at this point), I had that sleeping attack that sent me to the hospital, and when I came back, he had a card and some balloons. He had said that his parents didn’t allow him to go see me in the hospital because they didn’t want him distracting the doctors, but I was still happy to receive the gifts. That year, he was in my English class instead of Geometry, and that bitchy teacher was harking on me for “faking sick” just so I didn’t have to do the work because I was stupid. Randy stood up, came over to me, and pulled my binder out of my backpack without asking. He held it up and said, “this thing is filled with so many notes, she has trouble closing it. She has to hold the extra papers together with a paperclip, which is getting weaker the more she adds. She’s never skipped assignments or tests before, so why would she now? I think I speak for all of us when I say you need to leave her alone and just do your job.”

The class vocalized their agreement very heartily, but she still gave both of us detention, even though I hadn’t spoken out of turn. Still, he didn’t regret standing up for me, just like any other time he’s stood up to a student, and he took pride in serving the detention.

That’s all I saw of that one, I didn’t see if we ever got together or anything. I also didn’t see too much of Max, just in some of my classes, but we didn’t converse much because Randy wasn’t too close to him after he became friends with me. I don’t think Max ever developed a crush on me, but he was definitely sturdy and able to fend for himself instead of the cowardly version of him in the other two universes.

I’m not sure why I saw these, especially in one night. I have never seen these other versions of Randy; it was always him from the first universe. It’s almost like my mind was making up for showing me that awful reality by taking me to others that showed me that, because of different circumstances, Randy was actually a good person in alternate realities. It’s comforting, actually, whether these are dreams or other universes, because it shows me that, if things had gone a certain way, Randy would’ve had the opportunities to get help. I assume the second one was a universe where Randy just wasn’t born with any mental problems. So… he was a good person overall, it was simply the paths he took that led him to different consequences, both good and bad.

Now, if the dream/multiverse theory is correct, where does my reality fall in this? I once had a dream where I was sent to a universe where both my parents never had problems, where I wasn’t a mistake, and everything was great… I was even pretty. I wonder if that’s in the same realities where I knew Randy, because in that one, I never went to California… then again, in the last dream, I knew Michael and ended up marrying him. If the theory is correct, does my universe have a “Randy?” If so, where is he? What kind of person is he? I knew a Randy in middle school, but for one, he looked nothing like this one, and for two, I’m not actually certain his name is Randy because I just know it starts with an R. Moreover, does this person even exist? Was he even born? I don’t remember anyone who looked like him in high school, but then again, in those universes, I attended a different high school…

Maybe (this is still if the theory is correct) those universes were ones where I never left Alpine. Those cliffs definitely look as though they could be in Alpine, and so does the scenery. I met Randy in high school, so maybe he never went to the same middle school I did, and I never attended high school in Alpine in my universe. What if, if this theory is correct, a version of Randy was at the high school I would’ve went to if I hadn’t moved away? I can imagine I’d move here some years later after what he did to me, so I would’ve met Michael, and Alpine is only forty-five minutes away. The only reason I moved out of Alpine was because my so called mother was a terrible person, and we had to mooch off my grandmother… who later adopted me because she and my aunt called the police on her after witnessing her abuse toward me, and custody was taken away from her. Then again, what would explain Sempai going to high school with me in those universes?

Well, Sempai does believe in fate, as do I, and she believes that we were meant to become friends no matter what life we’re living. She believes we’re “soul friends,” that reincarnation exists, and that we’ve been friends in past lives as well. What if this is all true? What if certain things led her to Alpine just because the forces were making sure we were together no matter what? It’s really crazy if you think deeply about it, and connecting certain events actually makes it make sense… I wouldn’t understand half of this if I had never seen Donnie Darko. XD

I am really supporting this theory now, but it’s nothing for me to dwell on, study, or try to prove. I just think it’s interesting and a good learning experience. If it’s real, awesome, maybe I can learn to control where I go. If it’s all bunk, cool, but my mind has a wilder imagination than I originally thought. You know, in this dream, I was able to enter a dimension where I could see and choose a universe to enter… what if that was real? That would mean that universes with magic exist, which would explain my powers and abilities in some. But if this is all real, I just have one question…

Where the fuck is the purple universe I went to when I was four?!? Everything was purple!! WHERE IS THAT UNIVERSE????!!! XD Aah, I’m glad I already forgot most of the nightmares I had last night. And my teeth are healthy, Mike is making spaghetti, we have ice cream, and my rats are rats. Today’s a pretty good day, I think. Foo, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that.

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Animal Hoarding Dreams

I love animals, especially rodents. I have had many different pets in my life, but most of them were hamsters, guinea pigs, and rats. I had hamsters from age ten to around age twenty-two, and then I decided to switch to rats because I wanted a little change. I had some rats when I was a young teen, but at that time, we had many other pets, so I did not have time to really bond and learn about them…

You see, Erin, the woman who birthed me, was not just an irresponsible drunken druggie who had to spread her legs for every dick she ever came across, but she was also somewhat of an animal hoarder. We lived in a tiny apartment when I was in middle school, and we had so many animals, I’m surprised we didn’t receive some sort of fine. We had like three hamsters, a tank of fish, two cats, two guinea pigs, a rabbit, a lizard, a snake, and two rats. The rats eventually mated and gave birth to many litters we had to care for. Why? Well, the snake needed food, so we bred our own to save money… Erin’s choice, of course, not mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love reptiles, but I could never be the owner of a snake that ate anything bigger than a cricket just because I love rodents so much. I know it’s just nature, and I accept that, but still, I can’t see animals die, it makes me sick.

Of course, being the hopped up whore she was, Erin didn’t exactly take very good care of these animals. All she did was feed the snake, clean her cage, and buy supplies for the other animals… if we could afford it at the time. So who actually cleaned all of those cages, tanks, and litter boxes? Little ol’ me. The girl who was struggling with a combination of mental illness, severe bullying at school, and physical abuse from her sad excuse for a parent. I tried my best, but I was small, underfed, weak, and emotionally unstable. I loved our pets so much, and I really tried to show it, but how can you give so many different creatures the love they need? How can you focus on one if another needs you? The fish were probably the only ones who could care less if we spoke to them, but everyone else was in danger of being neglected. I also had school, so for eight hours a day, the animals had no one.

Every time Erin came home with a new pet, the part of me that liked animals fell in love, but the responsible part of me said, “how are we supposed to take care of another one if we can’t even care for the ones we have?” Still, I tried. The poor things weren’t as clean as they should’ve been, they were cramped, and sickness was inevitable. I was just glad that our cats didn’t try to attack the rodents, and in fact, they both befriended the rabbit. We opened the rabbit’s cage during the day so that he could run around the apartment, and the cats treated him like another cat, and would even sleep next to him. When they swatted at him, they always kept their claws retracted, and the rabbit was never nervous around his natural predator. I was very proud of our cats for this.

I sort of inherited the habit of owning too many pets from Erin, but I kept it under control. After the court finally took custody of me away from her, I was legally adopted by my grandmother, who had two cats (one would eventually disappear, we think she got eaten by a coyote), and the most I ever had was a hamster and guinea pig. When my guinea pig passed away, I stuck with one hamster at a time, that way I could focus all of my attention on him (I prefer male rodents over females). The hamster was well fed, watered, clean, and got lots of attention, and they always lived their full life span with no problem. Taking care of hamsters became my specialty.

I owned hamsters until a few years ago, and the last one I had was Pip. While he was still alive, I bought two rats on impulse, but my boyfriend and I were able to take care of them no problem. When Pip died, I did not adopt a new hamster, but stayed with rats, and since then, I’ve only owned two rats at a time. In case you didn’t know, you MUST have two rats living in the same cage, they are not like hamsters, who prefer to be alone. Now I am very experienced in rat ownership as well as hamsters. I don’t know what it is about rodents, but I just love them so much.

However, ever since my later teen years, I’ve had dreams where I owned cages upon cages filled with rodents. They usually include hamsters, mice, and rats, but sometimes there will be guinea pigs. In these dreams, the cages were all filthy, having not been cleaned in ages, there was no food or water, and each cage had way too many occupants. I have the feeling of fear that the hamsters will all start fighting because they’re supposed to be kept one per cage. Not only that, but males and females lived together, and I couldn’t keep track of who was dying, who just had babies, and which babies survived the obvious neglect.

Sometimes I have dreams were I find one of my old hamsters sleeping in a cage, and I say, “oh my god! You’re still alive?! I haven’t fed you in years!” Dreams like this have not decreased, and I actually had two in a row recently, one last night, and the one before last. Both involved keeping way too many hamsters and rats. There were no mice in these for some reason, but there have been dreams of mice, even though I’ve never owned a mouse. In these last two, there were so many occupants per cage, it was like a huge mass of fur, and in the case of the rats, tails.

I remember the predicament I had in these dreams about being unable to give each rodent the affection they needed. I guess I had given up on cleaning and feeding them because I couldn’t afford supplies, and the rodents kept running off, I couldn’t keep track of them. On top of that, so many of them had the same markings, so I couldn’t figure out who was who, and I couldn’t keep track of all of their names. I tried taking each hamster out one at a time, and rats out two at a time, but I continuously felt guilt about being unable to love them enough. There would also be times when the doors of the cages were accidentally left open, and the rodents would escape. I’d have trouble tracking them down and stuffing the poor things back into their small cages.

I don’t have trouble feeding, cleaning, or loving my real rats. Their cage is the perfect size for two medium sized adult males, and they’re clean, smell good, have shiny coats, have chubby bellies, and best of all, are happy. Taking care of them is not at all stressful, and since I work from home, there’s rarely a time they don’t have their mama right there if they need me. So why do I have these insane dreams where I’m uncontrollably hoarding rodents?

I think it has something to do with the fact that I was forced to handle so many pets at a young age. I had to deal with the filth, the neglect, and the guilt of not giving enough love all because Erin couldn’t take care of them herself. I felt so sorry for each pet we had, they did not deserve living that way, and I did everything I could to try and keep them healthy. Not many of them died before their time, luckily, but that doesn’t change the fact that their lives were more than just uncomfortable. I think, after more than ten years, I still keep that guilt hidden away in my subconscious, and it haunts me in my dreams.

I often go to the pet store with Michael or Sempai and talk to the rodents through their tanks. I coo at them, tell them how cute they are, and that I’d love to take them home. There was this large male rat I was totally in love with, but he was all alone in his tank. I felt so sorry for him that he didn’t have a buddy, and I wanted to take him home, but I knew it wasn’t the best idea. For one, I didn’t have another cage; I don’t think my medium boys would take too kindly to a new male that’s bigger than they were. In reality, I wouldn’t be able to afford to care for another animal, but I would if I could. As much as I love watching all of the hamsters, mice, and rats at the pet store, and as much as I want to take them home, I am responsible enough to know that I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to them.

I feel like Erin treated our pets like objects. You can’t just collect them like dolls or figurines, you can’t just bring home as many as you like, they’re not toys. Animals have thoughts, feelings, personality, and they will love you unconditionally if you take good care of them. I consider my pets my children, I talk to them like they can understand my words, and I do everything I can to make them safe and happy. These dreams I have are guilty feelings punishing me for not being able to give our old pets the lives they deserved.

Though, one of the guinea pigs we had in that apartment was saved by me. Erin took him with her when she was homeless, so poor Bandit was living in her car with her. I was living with my grandma, and I wanted him back, especially since I knew they were homeless. So I took him back, and he was so filthy, the water turned brown when I gave him a bath. If I hadn’t taken him back, he would’ve lived a much shorter life than he did, but he lived for another two years after that, and we had already had him for about three. He died from some trapped gas in his belly, which according to the vet, is a common problem guinea pigs have.

I wish I didn’t have to deal with these dreams; they’re distressing. It wasn’t my fault that I had to care for so many animals by myself, and yet I feel like it was. Then again, I blame myself for a lot of things that aren’t my fault, but I won’t get into that. It’s unhealthy for me to think this way, but when you’re responsible for another living thing and you can’t take proper care of it, it really affects you. This goes for people, like Erin, who should never have children. If you can’t afford a child, or if you feel you must hit a child, you probably should not have a child.

I guess the only thing I can do is make sure I love my animals to my fullest ability, as well as keep them clean and fed. That should be a no brainer… I guess Erin didn’t have a brain. Then again, people who decide to do drugs don’t have brains to start out with. I wonder how many more years my guilt will plague my dreams.

Animal hoarding is cruel to the poor animals. They are victims of neglect.