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“Lucky Me,” She Said with Sarcasm.

I feel like that one wrestler who gets badly injured, is out for a few months, and then comes back, only to get injured again, once again having to leave for a few months. Yep. It’s like… come on, I escaped my life’s biggest tragedy when I was fourteen, and I have PTSD because of it. Surely things would get better, right?

WRONG.

I’ve learned now to never say, “it’ll get better” for me. “I’ll believe it when I see it,” is what I say now. On top of everything I’ve had to deal with so far in my adult life, you’d think the universe would lay off of me a little bit. Nope! Oh Reitanna, you’re such an idiot, having hope for the future. Every time it seems like life isn’t so bad, I get ran over by a train. Not only that, but when Michael is trying to schedule something for me to help fix it, I say, “so, what’s the bad news?” Because I know he doesn’t have any good news! And I’m right every single time! I’m not surprised anymore, but it doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

Let’s just cover the recent things that have happened… I lost all of the weight I wanted to lose and then some! I am currently 113 pounds, and my goal had been 115. My weight keeps going down! I dunno what I’m doing right, but whatever it is, I’ll keep doing it! My diet is decently healthy, but it’s not really that you have to worry about, it’s the number of calories you eat each day. I’ve been eating 1200 calories a day at max for months, and it paid off. I like to eat fruit and yogurt to combat sweet cravings, and every so often, a little 100 calorie ice cream cup. When Aunt Flo comes to see me every month, I’m allowed to eat as much chocolate I want, so when she leaves, I always check my weight to see how much I gained… but I never gain any, I just stay the same as I was before. I rarely snack, and when I do, I make sure to only have one serving, I don’t drink juice with a lot of sugar, I never drink more than I should, and I only have soda every once in awhile, which ends up being once every few months, if that. The only candy I eat is either a special occasion, or that one time of the month.

I turn twenty-six this November. At the time this happened, I was 114 pounds. I am in perfect physical health. No history of this kind of thing in my family. I got a kidney stone. Some people don’t get kidney stones until they’re in their sixties, but most people don’t get them at all! Someone my age, with my weight and diet should not have gotten a kidney stone. It was the most painful thing, literally, not figuratively, I have ever experienced. Here’s the kicker: I didn’t show any of the symptoms that lead up to passing a kidney stone, it just came out of nowhere. Boom. Pain. Oh, did I mention I drink water all day, every day? Not sink water, filtered water. Have been for years. And another thing… my diet has remained the same for over a year now, too. My completely healthy diet has not changed. And I got a kidney stone. I don’t eat anything in excess that causes them, and everything causes them.

We’re gonna get “too much info” personal here. I also have always had a… “plumbing” problem. Ya know, things don’t pass as frequently as they should. I thought it was normal for people to make only once a week, but no, the average is about every other day. So, I needed more fiber! I’ve been taking fiber supplements for a long time now, too, nearly a year. Welp, it’s made it easier, but not more frequent. Why am I bringing this up?

BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO EAT TO KEEP YOU REGULAR CAUSES KIDNEY STONES.

Leafy greens. Guess what? I don’t eat those anyway! I hate darker green lettuce! It has to be light green for me, otherwise I gag! I can’t even eat spinach unless it’s canned. So, there’s part of my fiber problem, but it doesn’t explain how I got a kidney stone. I eat lots of fruit, including lima beans, which are high in fiber, but again, the “lots” isn’t an excessive amount. Basically, it looks like I’m going to need a colonoscopy!

Back to the kidney stones. There was never blood in my urine, and when I supposedly passed it, no stone was actually discovered. My urine test showed that there was a tiny trace of blood, but that could’ve been from the many scabs I have around my pubic area. There. Is. No. Reason. I. Should. Have. Gotten. A. Kidney. Stone. Ooooh, but here’s the best part! MY KIDNEY STILL HURTS! I urinate more frequently, it’s uncomfortable, and my kidney aches similar to menstrual cramps, except only on that one side! Still, no blood in my urine, and the pain is either worse, or less, depending on the day. I’m drinking cranberry juice, which is supposed to dissolve the stones, but do I even have stones? They did a CT scan at the hospital and said they didn’t see any!

So, I’m just supposed to be in pain for the rest of my life? Do you know what I was planning on doing after I hit my target weight? Working to flatten my tummy and get a belly ring. I wanted to have a tummy I could show off. I was so happy when I reached 114 pounds… now, I can’t work on flattening my tummy because it hurts. Standing and sitting down hurts. Walking or bending over hurts. Everything. Hurts.

That was weeks ago, but the pain hasn’t gone. And today… oh… today… ha! Well, lemme just start off with this: ten years ago, I was eating a vanilla flavored See’s hard candy. I tried to chew it on the left side of my mouth, and I felt something crack. I spit out the candy, but along with it was a very small white piece that actually resembled the candy itself. Upon closer investigation, it was actually part of my tooth. Well, it was not really a big deal; I had had a root canal on that tooth about a year prior, so I didn’t feel any pain. It was just a little chip that I had to make sure to brush and floss extra thoroughly because food got caught in there more easily. I got used to it…

This morning, that same tooth completely split. I try to chew on the right side of my mouth because I have two problems on the left side. One, I still have my wisdom teeth, and at the very back of the left side of my mouth is a space between the bottom tooth and the gums that forms a sort of trench, and a few years back, food started to get trapped in it, because it actually hadn’t been there before! It’s nearly impossible to clean, I brush at it, I use toothpicks to try and clean it out, but it’s too far back in my mouth, and, I dunno if you’ve noticed, I have GIGANTIC TEETH. I’m like Hermione Granger in the dental department, but I can’t have them shrunk. Two, on the top left side of my mouth, the filling in the very last tooth fell out a couple years ago, so there’s a big hole. I can actually feel the gums through the hole. Even though I chew on the right side of my mouth, food still gets stuck in it, and I HATE IT. I brush at it and try to dig it out with a toothpick, but I end up poking my gums, and it hurts. Plus, it’s too far to reach!

So… no matter how often I brush and floss, I continuously have bad breath. I can’t stand it. I hate being a human because we are so fucking gross. I’m gross. I’m gross, and I have always done everything I can to stay clean. It’s no mystery where my self-hatred stems from, and this is one of the main sources.

But this morning, I was chewing my fiber gummies on the right side of my mouth like I always do, but accidentally let one slip to the left side. I bit down on it one time, and I felt that same tooth just crack, and now half of it was able to be wiggled. Again, no roots, so it didn’t hurt. However, I couldn’t get the damn thing out of my mouth with my fingers, so I did the most metal thing I could think of, grabbed some pliers, and yanked the damn thing out. My pain tolerance is pretty high, so it didn’t hurt as much as it should have. Now it’s just a dull ache, but now, instead of having the front of a tooth, I have an exposed filling. Thankfully, this tooth can’t be seen when I talk or smile, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is a health risk.

For those of you who are not adults, and mommy and daddy handle all of your medical costs, you may not know that dental care is horribly expensive. I am a low income independent, so my insurance only covers basic stuff. Michael was on the phone all morning try to find a dentist… well, he found six! Seems like things are finally looking up, huh? NOPE! One was closed, one was fully booked, and all of the others had their problems, and the only one that could take me had a single opening for eight o’clock in the morning. Well, I’m obviously going to sacrifice the sleep I desperately need to try and get this fixed, and hopefully address the other issues going on in my mouth, bu… seriously? Out of six, not one could take me today? I’m afraid to eat anything!

Mike told me, “we’ll get you fixed up, and everything will be fine.” I said, “has it ever been fine? History tends to repeat itself. From my past experiences, I know it won’t be fine. It’ll never be fine.” I mean, FUCK, universe! Couldn’t you just give me cancer? Stop playing with your little toys and finally bring out the big guns to finish me off? This is fucking stupid. I just lost the weight I wanted to lose to feel better about myself… I’m trying not to pick at my face or pull my hair… but what’s the point in trying to be pretty again if I’m just going to lose all of my teeth before I’m thirty? NO MATTER WHAT I DO! I will never be pretty like I was when I was a teenager. God, I was so pretty… I used to look like this:

nature-girl

So pretty… so thin… now I’m thin, but… why does the world hate me? I do absolutely nothing but be the best I can be, I help people, I’m honest, I don’t do drugs, I have a clean criminal record, I’m not abusive… I don’t do anything to deserve these things. This is why I don’t believe in karma.

Now, I’m not saying all of this to hear, “oh, I feel so sorry for you,” so don’t even give me that. I don’t need you to spit in my face, thanks. In case you haven’t noticed, I need to vent about things, I need to complain, and whether or not someone actually reads my blog, I don’t care. It needs to get out, and so I get it out. In the past, when I’ve done this, people have accused me of trying to gain pity and sympathy. It always baffled me, because I was like, “what on earth makes you think that?” I guess it’s because I don’t understand the concept of trying to make people feel sorry for you? All I ever want out of this is to get it out, and for anyone who reads it, to understand. Now I have to actually say I don’t want sympathy because of this sheepshit. It’s… pathetic! It’s like it’s a fad to accuse people of crying out for attention or something. Don’t they understand that it’s healthy to vent?

All the same… I guess I don’t necessarily feel sorry for myself, it’s more like, “really? I haven’t been through enough yet?” They say some people are born into tragedy. I was born from a drug addicted, alcoholic whore who didn’t even know who my father was until they did a paternity test. I had to endure fourteen years of constant physical, mental, and emotional abuse. I still have my first scar from when I was six, and she burned my arm with her cigarette. I have every single scar she ever gave me, and a nice assortment of mental disorders to boot. And when I got free… it just didn’t stop. Thing after thing after thing just kept happening, from being accused of premeditated murder, to being told by my principal that he’d call the police if I didn’t stop crying, to getting in trouble for crying when someone else threatened to kill me, to being used and abused by the worst guy I ever dated, to not being allowed to share a hotel room on our choir trip with my best friend because I had just come out as bisexual at the time, to being kicked out of my grandma’s house after graduation with NO arrangements made as to where I would live, to finally being happy to visit my father for the first time in a decade, only to find that the family expected me to give them money that I didn’t have, to having to sit with my father’s mother in a restaurant and be lectured on how some man was going to take everything I had and I’d have to come crying to her for money, to coming back to California to see my shit packed up and nearly being put on the street AGAIN, and when I finally get some success by getting a job, going to school, getting certified as a makeup artist and licensed as a cosmetologist, I had to endure three years of harassment from an assistant manager to the point where I finally cracked, tried to kill myself, and didn’t leave the house for two years straight because I had gone to Anime LA and was stranded there by the “friend” I had gone with, so I had to ride four hours back with complete strangers, and now my social anxiety is the highest it has EVER been… and that’s just up until 2013… I could go on! Oh, there’s so much more!

And when I’m forced to think about all of this, and realize that I’m still not any closer to getting a house with Michael, getting married, and finally have some fucking peace… my throat feels tight, and I’m actually starting to cry. I took my medication, so this is actual sadness, and I hate it. All I want is to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to feel as colorful as I look… I love feeling happy, it’s the greatest damn feeling in the world… but I’m not happy. I’ve completely ditched my real life responsibilities and created a life in Animal Crossing: New Leaf because I can be healthy there, I can be pretty, I can be social, I have a nice big house, I make money, I’m so successful and happy… I’ve not been working on anything that pertains to me real life job as a YouTuber, and it’s because I had gotten so stressed about people demanding “Muffins,” that I haven’t even touched the next narration in months. It’s bad, and I know it.

I’m just… unlucky. I’m practically a jinx. It’s because I was never meant to be here, I was a mistake. And no, that’s not some emo-boy-dreamy-haircut sheepshit, it’s just an actual conclusion that I have accepted. The fact that I’m not meant to exist doesn’t depress me, it’s that I’m constantly punished for existing, even if I do everything I can to fight life, to do good things, to help other people with their life battles, and I have stopped so many suicides, including my own brother’s. I’m proud of my good nature, especially since I do, in fact, exude 80% of a textbook sociopath’s behavior. I use that to my advantage to protect myself, but having sociopathic traits does not stop me from choosing to do good. And when it all comes down to it, when I finally see some light, just to have it snuffed out again, when every single part of me gets sent back down to the hole I came from, it hurts. It hurts so bad. If there’s a god, this is just one big joke to him. If he created us, he created people like me on purpose. Oh, were you under the impression that I thought I was the only one? Of course not.

There are eight billion people on this planet. I can feel as alone as possible, but the truth is, there are hundreds of thousands of people who were born into tragedy. People who are nothing but bad luck, people who shouldn’t exist. The levels vary; some people have it not as bad as me, some people have it worse, some people have it worse than the people who have it worse, and some people have learned to make it work. I am no different than these types of people. That’s why I don’t feel sorry for myself, because I know that there are countless people in these situations of varying severity. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not begging the universe to give me a break. I wish it didn’t have to be this way for anyone. That’s why I give advice to those who seek it from me. I want to help them by giving them the tools for survival that I wish I had when I was young. Because it’s not fair. Life is not fair. Life will never be fair. I have accepted this.

But I just want to be happy.

 

(Forgive me, I’m too exhausted to proofread this, so there will be typos. Please respect that I am human, and I am not perfect. Everyone makes typos.)

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What the FUCK Happened?

Okay, so I have to talk about this one. I know I haven’t posted for a very long time, but this is something worth venting about. So, I’m gonna talk about some people, but for confidentiality reasons, I will refer to them as letters. Also, if you know who I am talking about, please to not reveal their names.

So, my best friend for nearly 6 years, L, has… well, I don’t even fucking understand what happened. She used to be fine, and then she became simply psychotic. And trust me, I have to take anti-psychotic medication, so I KNOW psychotic. But now that I’m normal, I can’t comprehend her logic behind some of the ridiculous things she says! A few months ago, she became friends with M, and so did I. M was really cool to hang around, and she was another intelligent person. The three of us had a lot of fun together. But for some reason, L started getting depressed and having breakdowns. At first, I understood how it felt to be in her shoes, because I did. I’ve had depression. But it started getting a little… more out of hand than I thought. She started self diagnosing herself, which probably made her think she had the symptoms, and subconsciously gave her a reason to have temper tantrums. She acted like a child. L lives with her parents, and she’s 21. I’m younger than her by a few months. If her parents didn’t let her borrow the car, she would curl up in a ball on the floor and scream. L was always the one to talk me out of suicide when I wasn’t in control of my disorder, and she was there for me when I was getting myself better. I had to right myself, I didn’t depend on other people to fix me, but I did look to L for support. L always said that she wouldn’t dream of harming herself, but she would tell me how… well, let’s just get into this. L met M’s friends, C and V for the first time. L was a little too forward with C. She acted as though they had been friends for a long time, and expected C to find it humorous if L played around and teased her a bit. But C is self conscious and uncomfortable with L’s obnoxious behavior, and V stepped in, as any good and protective friend would, and told L to back off. L was convinced C and V weren’t her friends, so at school she went behind a building and poked herself with a pencil. Hmm. Wow, that sure is hardcore.

So on and on she would threaten suicide. “I’m going to go drive into a tree,” she said one time. She checked herself into a mental hospital for about two days and came out as if she was cured. She’s in therapy regularly. Poor M is the main victim here because L would scream at her and tell her she doesn’t care, she’s not supporting her, or she’s not there for her. She says M is turning all her friends against her. Two of these “friends” are T and S. T met her once and automatically didn’t like her. S only met her online, and told me she felt frightened by L. T actually told me that part of her wanted to tell L herself, “look, I don’t like you, and I have never liked you.”

What is L’s definition of support? Because I believe it means urging someone like this to get better, staying by her side to try and show her we care… support does not mean we fix her for her. I have been around L and M every time L has a tantrum. M tries her best to speak reasonably to L, but L says that M is speaking hostile. As I sit there, my brain is twitching from the ridiculousness. “How is she being hostile? How did we end up talking about this? And how the hell did it escalate to this magnatude? Isn’t this kind of a small thing to get all worked up about?” So, after the second time, M and I were both very wary. We were gonna go to San Francisco, but we were starting to fear that it would go up in flames because of her. I wanted to try and have faith and think of ways that L could deal with situations without freaking out. The main things L freaks out about is if people aren’t paying attention to her or aren’t doing what she wants to do. M did the right thing and warned S about what was going on. S told her mother, who is a nurse and also has bipolar disorder, and hasn’t had a breakdown in at least 20 years, and she said she didn’t feel comfortable with L staying in her house for the first night. L was fuming, but I tried to explain that it was a reasonable thing for M to warn them, otherwise it would’ve been dangerous for S’s mom. So L said M sabotaged her going on the trip, and she hated her and wasn’t her friend. I called M, and she said, “you know, maybe if L can really help herself, and really gets better, I would consider being friends. But I put too much into this friendship, and nothing has changed. I’m done with her behavior.” Note that M just turned 20. The way M spoke to me and explained everything was very mature and calm, though I know she was frustrated, just like me. M has never had any messed up friends, and she met me after I was on meds, so she doesn’t know how scary I am without them. And mind you, she will never know, because I am very consistant when I take my medication.

L seems to think that I haven’t changed. She said once, “we have to keep eachother up.” What is this “we?” And what do you mean “eachother?” I don’t have problems trying to stay happy at parties or events. I was with two people I barely knew in San Fran, and I had the time of my life! They are awesome people! M and S were volunterring most of the time, so T and I would wander around, but I never felt sad or awkward, because I felt at home, and I felt comforted that I can make friends this easily, now that I have my disorder under control. But still, L says she has to walk on eggshells around me because she’s afraid to upset me. Honey, if you upset me, there’s a damn good reason for it. One being, you pretending to be suicidal for attention. I feel angry. I hate to say it, but L has no idea what misery is. She doesn’t know what ‘cutting yourself” is. It’s not poking yourself with a pencil. I am not proud of this, so don’t think I’m bragging when I say it. I’ve bit gashes into my wrist, I’ve scratched myself with a key (and not just a scratch, but freaking sawed at my skin with it), I’ve used a letter opener, safty pins, carved words into my skin, and used my own nails on myself. Hell, once I scratched my left arm with my nails so bad, it was four inches long and one inch wide, and I had to have bandages on it for almost a month before it stopped hurting. It hurt so bad, I could barely move it. I couldn’t even put my backpack over my left shoulder, and to this day, I am still in the habit of slinging backpacks over my right shoulder only. It feels weird to have it over both, unless it’s one of those light plushie backpacks. Poking yourself with a pencil? Oh! And then telling someone about it! Often times, the only way people found out about my scars was if someone accidentally saw it. I would usually hide it under a sweat band I always wore. The unhidable ones I would try and make excuses, though how many people believed me? I don’t know. Of course I told L when it happened, not right away though. There are even some she still doesn’t know about. I’ve lied about my most recent scar that happened when I forgot to take my medication when I first started taking it. But in highschool, she told me it was okay for me to cut myself. I think she wants me to tell her the same. What I feel is that she wants to be patted on the head and told that it’s going to be okay. But true friends don’t lie, and true friends will tell you the most painful things that are true. One big problem is her mother. L’s mother has always been a very corrupt woman for as long as I’ve known her. Right now, she’s babying L, and that’s not helping her to grow up.

So, L calls me and tells me M is trying to turn me against her. I didn’t say this, but I should’ve, but M has nothing to do with this on MY end. If this was happening and M hadn’t even met us, it would be the same. It’s not M who’s turning me against L, it’s L who’s turning me against L. So of course, I told L the honest to god truth, and she started bawling and saying “you’re talking to me like M does!” Oh, you mean like a civilized adult? I’m sorry, should I tawk in a wittle baby voice? So she hung up on me. But listen guys, I don’t let people mess with me or play around with my mentality. I’ve got my own shit going on. I’ve never let people control or manipulate me, and I wasn’t gonna start now. I texted her and told her she had an hour to get her shit together and apologize. Harsh, yes. But you don’t FUCK with me. And hour came, and I said goodbye. I’m gonna call this next person MC because his name starts with an M. MC has been telling me from the start of this disaster, “all I’ve seen is her making you miserable. She may have been a good friend before, but she’s not now. This is unhealthy for you, and I think you need to think about your safety.” The first two times L had a tantrum, I listened to him say this as I was crying and thinking this was my fault. “this isn’t your fault,” he said. “It’s not M’s or your job to fix her. Only she can do this for herself. Nobody can help her.” Both times I considered kicking L out of my life, even before MC said she’s not good for me anymore. He actually said this after I told him, “maybe I should just exclude her frome my life.” I was afraid I’d lose it and get sick again, and I wasn’t about to endanger myself or people around me. I haven’t had a single thought about me dying or a single urge to cut myself in ages, not even when L started this shit. So the third time came around, (that was the whole phone thing), and MC said again, “it’s not your fault.” I said, “I know it’s not, but I think that’s what makes me feel worse. It’s not my fault, but L is blaming me, and M.” He said, “there’s nothing you can do. I’m worried about your health.” So that’s when I said goodbye. Of course, L combats my text with a bullshit message saying “I’m cutting you loose. I need to get rid of the baggage.” This is where I laugh, because it’s so fucking comical. I reply with, “uh, no, it’s ME who is cutting YOU loose. Come back when you mature.” And I haven’t spoken to her since. Am I hurt? Yes. I would be a fool to say I wasn’t. L told me she can’t live without me, and she then said I couldn’t live without her. So what, am I supposed to kill myself if L isn’t around? Uh, I don’t think so. Am I gonna shut my self off from the world? No, I have bills to pay, I have work to go to, and I actually like going and doing stuff, thank you very much. You’ve been like a sister to me L, but if you really cared for me, you wouldn’t have done this to me. It’s your fault, but it’s also your loss. I admit, it will probably take me a bit to get over this, but since I’m actually sane, it won’t consume me.

I just think it’s miraculous. All this time, L has acted as a sister figure, and sometimes a mother figure. She’s always been the one I look to because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how I was supposed to react to things. I didn’t know how to behave because my parents were horrible people. And even to this day, I am probably not as mature as the average 21 year old. I still watch cartoons, I love stuffed animals and toys (of course I don’t play with them, more like cuddle the stuffed animals and take pictures with my dolls and toys), I wear colorful clothings and hair stuff, and I color my hair odd colors. But I’ve become the person I, my mom, and my grandmother, and hell, my entire dad’s side of my family, never thought I’d be. I graduated highschool. I graduated from college. I have a job, I am living in an apartment I can call mine and my roomate’s (MC), I pay rent and bills, I pay student loans, I pay for my share of the groceries, and I still have enough money to spend on myself every now and then. I turn 21 in a week, and L turned 21 in July. Congratulations, Kara. You are more mature than L. It’s… mind boggling.

Another funny thing is, I spent five days with M, and not once did she ever say something mean or insensitive. She didn’t even want to talk about L. She’s just done. L asked me, “how can you still be friends with her?” Because she never did anything to me. As far as I’ve seen, she is an awesome person. And from what I’ve seen, your perspective on her is warped, just as your definition of “support” is. I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend just because another friend doesn’t like them.

So, that’s everything that’s happened, which brings me to the next part. Last night I had a dream about L and M, and one other person was there, but I don’t know who it was. We were at some kind of fair because there were farm animals. I was trying to stay by L’s side because she wanted to feel comforted. M saw something she was excited about and said, “you guys! Come look at this!” So I ran to see the thing, which I think some some kind of giant goat or something. L fell back and didn’t run forward as I had done. When I realized she wasn’t there, I turned and saw her sitting in a corner and crying. I asked what was wrong, and she said that we weren’t paying attention to her, and that I’d rather hang out with M than with her. I told her that M wanted to show us something, so I ran to see what it was. I was confused as to why L didn’t join us. It’s not like we said, “NO! you can’t see!” The dream changed to like a week later. L was talking to me like nothing had happened, but I hadn’t spoken to her for a week because she had made a scene at the fair. I said, “I’m a little frightened. I still don’t really forgive you.” But we went and hung out together anyway. The entire time, I felt shitty and depressed. I wasn’t excited about being around someone who had caused me so much pain multiple times in the last two months. But L ignored my feelings towards her previous behaviors. I felt like I was just there because I was too weak to tell her, “no, I can’t be around you. Not until you grow up.” And then the dream changed to something completely unrelated. Long story short, I believe the dream was summing up everything that has happened. M and I are acting normal, but as soon as we seem like we’re not paying attention to L, it all goes to hell. And then I try to act like I want to give L another chance, but in my mind I am afraid of another tantrum.

However, after all of this, I don’t have a nagging bad feeling in my heart. I know she will be back. Whether it takes weeks, months, or years. She’ll get her life on track (hopefully), and she’ll come back and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what the hell happened. I was foolish, immature, and I acted way out of line.” I’m waiting for the sane, adult L to show herself. And if she never returns to me, oh well. We had a good run, and on top of remembering the bad times, I will also remember the good.

Funny, while writing this entire time, I haven’t shed a single tear. Now on to enjoying the rest of my day off. Happy 11/1/11 everyone! XD

Human… WHAT!?

Okay, friends. First of all, this post may disturb you if you… get disturbed from these kind of things, like me. Second of all, if you’ve heard of this movie and know exactly what it’s about, you will not be surprised. However, for those of you who don’t know, I’m gonna talk about the movie…. Human Centipede.

Now, I had only heard the title of this movie, seen the poster in theatres, and the cover when it showed up on Netflix. However… well, think. What comes to your mind when you hear “human centipede?”

What comes to my mind is the following concept: There are scientists hard at work in a big, clean, futuristic laboratory. I wann say there’s like five of them. They want to create something, just to see if it would work, create something that’s never been made before; to play God. They say, “what would happen if we mixed human DNA with the DNA of some kind of insect?” Well, what would be the most interesting… the most abnormal insect to splice human DNA with? Perhaps a centipede, because they have a long body with TONS of legs… in fact, I don’t think centipedes are actually categorized as insects, since the attributes of an insect are six legs and wings; that’s what classifies them. Anyway, they capture some poor, unsuspecting soul, most likely male, but I guess it could be female if we really wanted to see boobs, and introduce centipede DNA into his body using some kind of awesome machine. The man slowly transforms into a giant centipede like creature, but with human features. Maybe a disfigured human face with sharp monstrous teeth, and a long body with many human arms and human legs, but the thing is slimy and grotesque. It gets bigger everyday, and the scientists are monitoring it. But something they didn’t expect happens. It breaks loose from its enclosure and rampages around the laboratory, which is most likely a very extensive building with many floors and rooms. And the whole movie is a sci-fi horror, where the scientists are trying to find the thing and kill it before it kills them, people dying in the process of course.

Now, wouldn’t that make a pretty cool movie? This writer didn’t think so.

Recently, I had watched the South Park episode making fun of this movie. The whole episode was about how no one actually reads the Terms and Conditions to software or websites. Let’s face it, we just don’t. It’s long, boring, and most of it we can’t even comprehend. So, Kyle didn’t read the Terms and Conditions to the new iTunes update that came with the iPad. Of course, he clicked, “I agree.” So, a bunch of people from the Apple company break into his room and try to kidnap him, saying he agreed to this. He runs off to Stan and the others, explaining what was happening. Of course, Stan was like, “dude, you didn’t read it?” And Kyle was like, “of course not! No one reads that thing!” And they all said they read it, and were completely surprised that Kyle didn’t read it, so on and so forth. So, the Apple guys kidnap him and lock him into a room with a woman and an asian man, both claiming to not have read the Terms and Conditions. The Apple guys reveal to the public that they had come up with a new product. This product was going to be made out of the man, Kyle, and the woman… their lips were to be removed and SEWN to each other’s anus…………….. yeeeeeeeaaa….. but then at the end, there would be an iPad!! It was called the Human CentiPad!!! YAY!! The concept was that it could check email, watch videos online, blah blah blah… OH, and also the three individuals’ digestive systems were linked up so they had to shit in eachother’s mouths. By the end of the episode, I turned to Michael and said, “is that REALLY what the movie is about?” After he said “yes,” I couldn’t help but look up the trailer. APARENTLY, that is EXACTLY what the movie is about, minus the iPad. After watching the very short trailer, I was so disturbed, I felt like I was going to vomit for the rest of the night, and even had to take sleeping pills to ensure the horrible thought didn’t keep me up all night. What disturbed me most is that there are sickos out there who do crazy shit like this and other stuff to innocent people out there.

But what was WRONG with the writer of this movie? Seriously, I’ve heard of some sick stuff. Like the works of the Japanese writer/director, Sion Sono.

Sion Sono made three movies that I know of; Suicide Club, Noriko’s Dinner Table (sequal to Suicide Club), and Strange Circus. Now, I saw Suicide Club and Noriko’s Dinner Table. Those were both very disturbing, but I could tolerate them, and have actually enjoyed watching them multiple times. However, Strange Circus was another story. I couldn’t sit through the first fifteen minutes. The beginning of the movie was all just the mother and the father of the story having sex, and it showed EVERYTHING. Now, I’m not against sex with your loved one, your ONE partner, but I hate seeing it in live action films. I feel awkward and sick, and I don’t know why. I’ve never been raped or molested, so that’s not it. But it gets worse. The father has a cello case with a hole in it. For a few nights, the father forces his daughter to sit in the cello case and watch them have sex, but the mother had no idea. This little girl is like eleven or twelve. One day, the father opens the case and says, “she’s been watching the whole time.” The mother is humiliated and horrified, and who wouldn’t be? So then, the father makes the mother sit in the cello case and watch as he RAPES THE DAUGHTER. By then, a line had been crossed and I turned it off. I went to a message board where we talked mostly of Suicide Club and asked if the movie got worse. They said it did, so since then, I haven’t touched the movie at all. I get sick when I even hear the word “rape.” I think it’s one of the most horrible things you can do to someone, and people should be punished much more harshly for it. I’m glad that rapists are very much frowned upon by other criminals in prisons.

Then there are the Saw movies and the Hostile movies. I won’t even watch those, never have, never will. I’ve heard enough about them that I know I can’t stomach them. There are just some things I can’t handle.

Back to Human Centipede. If I was in that situation, I’d rather endure the pain of ripping my mouth off some stranger’s anus and trying desperately to either escape, or kill my capture, most likely getting killed in the process. I don’t wanna die, and if I had to die, I don’t want it to be by some psycho killing me. But come on. If that happened to you, you’d be fucking SCARRED. I don’t think you’d ever wanna see another person ever again. The anus is the most disgusting places on the human body, and no one should ever go near it. It’s better to pretend it doesn’t exist whenever you can.

It’s funny though. I was playing Silent Hill: Homecoming the other day, and Michael was watching me. I got to a boss fight, and this creature came out. My jaw dropped, and I exclaimed, “THAT’S WHAT I IMAGINE WHEN I HEAR ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!'” Here is said boss:

It’s not EXACTLY what I imagined, (you know, not what looks like a bunch of people linked together, but one person…) but pretty damn close. Leave it to Silent Hill to come up with this great monster. And I thought the previous boss, Scarlet was good. This “human centipede’s” name is Asphyxia. She’s pretty tough until you really get the hang of dodging her attacks. She likes to try to hit you three times in a row before you can land a hit on her, and you can’t REALLY get her until she lunges at you, and you have to dodge successfully in order to hit her tail and stun her.

Anyway, I refuse to see Human Centipede, and frankly, I wonder how the reviews were. I heard that a comedy group was going to perform Human Centipede: The Musical. I actually wouldn’t mind watching THAT. I will not post the trailer. If you’re interested, go look for it yourself. -_-