Man, there have been a lot of dream posts lately! Well, honestly, aside from being accused of being a Weeaboo, that’s the only interesting thing going on in my life! (About the Weeaboo thing, by definition, I’m not even an Otaku. I like a very small and select group of anime, haven’t read manga since I was in high school, and have studied Japanese language and culture because HALF OF MY FAMILY IS JAPANESE. As for music and movies, all Asian media interests me, and not because they’re Asian, it’s because certain bands/artists really click with me, and most Asian horror movies are the SHIT! But just like in America, and all other countries, Asia has music, movies, cartoons, books, et cetera that just don’t appeal to me. It’s not being obsessed with the culture, it’s about enjoying the product. Japan clicks mostly with me because I spent a lot of time with the Japanese part of my family, so yeah. Word to the wise, don’t accuse someone of being something unless you know them.)
Now that my mini rant is done, let’s get back to bweezness. (Name that reference!) For a few years, I’ve had the strangest dreams about being in high school. “But Reitanna, that’s totes normal!” No, I’m not just talking about general school dreams, which practically everyone has all the time, including me, I mean dreams where I decide to go back to high school for another four years AT MY CURRENT AGE.
At the time I am writing this blog, I am twenty-four. I will be twenty-five in November. So here I am, in my dream, willingly going back to my old high school, enrolling in classes, and planning to go the full four years to graduate a second time. (I graduated in 2009, by the way.) This would somehow add my new GPA to my old one, so in all, I would potentially have a 6.0 to 7.0 GPA after my second graduation. Not only that, but the staff and teachers know how old I am, and that this is my second time around. I can pull off looking like a sixteen year old, so students would assume I was just your typical Sophomore or Junior. Nope… twenty-four year old Freshman…………………. o_o
As far as I know, going to high school for a second time is not possible, nor is adding to your previous GPA, because isn’t 4.0 the highest you can get? It’s been so long since I’ve been in school, I forget. So why am I having these dreams? It can’t be that I miss going to school, I hated high school. I didn’t have trouble as a student, no, I have always loved learning. Sure, I hated certain classes and struggled in a few of them like any teenager would, but in the end, my GPA was around 3.4, I don’t remember the exact number. After graduation, I was DONE. I wasn’t going to Grad Night, I wasn’t going to the Senior picnic, and I will NEVER go to my high school reunion. I hated a majority of the students, I wasn’t too fond of a few of the teachers (especially the one that hated Latinos for some reason), and I hated that the principal cared more about our sports program than our arts and music programs. Seriously, when it gets to a point where orchestra and choir have to fund themselves, there’s a problem.
If two football players got in a physical fight, the teachers would just laugh and say, “now come on boys, no fighting.” But if any “outcast” got in a fight, they’d be suspended! It was like a corrupt government! Not to mention, since I wasn’t on medication, I had many panic attacks. I remember a time when I was having one, and I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t being violent toward anyone, not even myself, and the dear old principal was shouting at me to calm down or he’d call the police. This was after my gothic phase! So I wasn’t even scary looking! How can you seriously expect a Bipolar child to just stop having a panic attack when, A, she did nothing wrong, B, she wasn’t hurting anyone, C, you’re shouting at her, and D, you threaten to call the police? You can’t call the police on a teenager that has literally done absolutely NO HARM! One that’s never done drugs, never gotten in a physical fight, doesn’t have a history of suspension or expulsion on her permanent record, and does well in school! There was absolutely no reason for their hostility, they should’ve tried getting one of the councilors to calm me down enough for me to tell them what triggered the panic attack. Maybe then, they’d realize it wasn’t me who caused a problem, but the girl who threatened to KILL ME. Yeah, fuck you Principal I-Forget-Your-Name. You were old in 2009, I hope you’ve died by now.
I enjoyed choir though, even if Mrs. Grey was a bit harsh with me, but that was because she became pretty unpleasant after her mother passed away. She was much kinder to me my Senior year when she came to terms with it, and you know what, she was an excellent choir teacher. (Fun fact! Mrs. Grey was also Adam Lambert’s high school choir teacher a couple years before she transferred to the school I went to! When he was on American Idol, she would NOT stop talking about him. XD)
I also enjoyed Photography, which I took my Senior year. Wednesdays and Thursdays were known as “Tutorial days.” This was where you only had periods 1, 3, and 5 on Wednesday, and periods 2, 4, and 6 on Thursday. For normal days, we started at 7:30 and got out at 2:30, but on Tutorial days, we got out at 2:10. YAY SHORT DAY, right? Nope, long day. Each of our three periods were two hours long, and after 2:10, you had twenty minutes of your own personal study/work time, busses still came at 2:30. Mondays were short days, also known as “Staff Development” days. Classes would start at 8:00, be much shorter, and we’d get out at 2:30. Those were nice. Er… where was I going with this? OH YEAH! So, I had Photo on Thursdays, and those two hours of that class were my favorite out of the whole week. I could stay in there all day if I had been allowed to. So, of course, there were parts of high school I did like, but I’d never want to experience it again, especially not for another four years.
I have a couple of theories. One is that I feel bad that I’ve forgotten all of the subject matter I excelled at. I could tell you all of the classes I was top student in, but could I tell you what I learned using technical terms and all that? No, and this is partly because of my suicide attempt in the summer of 2009, and partly because time has simply passed with no practice in any of those particular subjects. I also took French, which I wasn’t fond of, but I could have a conversation. Now, however, I can only tell you that I can’t speak French, I speak cheese, and that I am a grapefruit. T_T Maybe the dreams are trying to fill the part of me that was dedicated to learning, but as an adult with a job, I don’t have time to learn something new that would take more than a day at the most. The most recent things I’ve learned about were Corona Mass Ejections, Strange Matter, how fireworks make specific shapes, and buried penises. (Because science!) Maybe I miss studying, completing assignments, being given a good grade for my work… maybe I miss reading books, which I used to love, but don’t have time for anymore. Maybe I miss forcing myself to get pretty and dress cutely every day. Maybe I miss having somewhere to go every day…
Or maybe… and note that I am not an egocentric person, but I do have fantasies about overpowering common people, making them abide by laws I’ve set, you know, dictator stuff that I’d realistically never be able to do. Maybe if I had that power, I would have an ego, but years of being bullied by peers, and abused my family members have killed any self worth I had, and I didn’t have much to begin with. Maybe if I were the oldest student in high school, one that’s already graduated once, I’d feel like I had a small amount of power because of my age. I felt that way when I was the only Senior taking health class, which was full of Freshman. Some of them looked up to me because I was older, dressed interestingly, and had the highest grade in the class… (I ended with a 120%, so I didn’t even have to take the final exam.) Some feared me because they realized they couldn’t pull any of their dumb Freshman tricks on me that would fool their fellow fourteen year old. I always felt so confident in that class, something I rarely felt, because I had seniority. Maybe, since I’ve spent most of my life lacking confidence, the dreams are trying to let me experience confidence and power by having had accomplished something none of the other students had, and by going for it a second time.
Those are the only reasons I can come up with for having these unrealistic dreams… I mean, dreams are usually unrealistic, but this one has occurred extremely often since I graduated from beauty school. Heh, when in beauty school, I was learning from books, taking tests, putting theory into practice… so I think my first theory may be the correct one. Whenever I think about all of the things I had learned being forgotten, and my lack of studying in my current life, I feel genuinely sad, unfulfilled, and… dumb. I am not actually stupid, though forgetful, but if I can’t even tell you how to use a simple Punnett square, something I used to be able to do with my eyes closed, I feel dumb! I can’t tell you most of the scientific names of animal groups I studied in Zoology, nor can I figure out the half-life of radioactive atoms! I can’t even tell you how F-Stops work! At least I can tell you why Pluto isn’t a planet… *Sarcastically twirls finger.*
I guess you lose part of yourself when you discover that you, a previously well educated person, have become uneducated. It hurts, because I don’t want to be just another uneducated American slob! At least I have street smarts, but I’ve always considered book smarts to be just as important. I mean, I used to read ahead in science books to chapters we hadn’t even gotten to yet. Now… all I can tell you is what an atom is composed of, but not how Ions form… I feel lost. That’s what I think the dreams are telling me, that I miss learning. God, what a downer.