Spread the Word of Awesome!

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve even written a blog, but I just had to get this out there, especially to all horror junkies…

If you’re like me, you’re constantly trying to find things that will scare you, whether it be a movie, Creepypasta, or even just some weird images. Movies are usually the biggest target, but nowadays it’s hard to find good horror movies. We want the paranoia, we want to be disturbed, and we want to be scared.

However, during the search for such movies, we also come across the bad ones. I’m talking so bad that it’s funny. I’m here to warn horror junkies everywhere to stay far away from these five movies specifically. I would take a movie that relied mainly on jump scares over this crap. Let’s list them from “best” to worse.. (WARNING: may contain spoilers)

 

5. Sadako 3D (2012)

I love me some Asian horror, man. They know how to do it! When it comes to classics, “Ringu” hits the nail on the head. Hey, even “The Ring” (American remake) wasn’t so bad. The whole “Ringu” series was pretty successful, except for “Raisen,” which was based more on the novels, but honestly was also terrible. NOT AS TERRIBLE AS THIS. We take the “cursed video” in a different direction by putting it on… wait for it… the internet! However, it’s not our beloved video with a woman brushing her hair, people crawling on the ground in reverse, dude with towel on his head, or the infamous well. No, it’s a dude “killing himself.”

First thing I have to admit… Yusuke Yamamoto (Kiyoshi Kashiwada) is REALLY hot. Not when he laughs like a mad man, because let’s face it, he doesn’t play a very good insane person, but he’s still quite a cutie. Aside from that, the beginning of the movie starts out very confusing and with terrible CG graphics. Note that the CG effects are terrible throughout the whole movie. So Kashiwada is dumping the body of a long haired woman down the well, which is home to a ton of other long haired women. They look dead, but supposedly they’re supposed to be alive. Yes, this is explained later, but it wasn’t as well executed as it could’ve been.

The idea of the “cursed video clip” isn’t as ludicrous as it could’ve been, but showing Kashiwada “kill himself” doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the movie series. I, much like most fans of the movies, have not read the novels by Koji Suzuki. Frankly, I can’t see me reading them at all, though I know the summary of them. “Sadako 3D” is mainly based off of the novel “S,” which is the fifth novel out of six in the series. Funnily enough, the movie “Raisen,” which was supposed to be the original sequel to “Ringu” was based more on the novels as well, but it didn’t capture audiences as well as the first movie. It’s pretty bad, so I can understand why. However, even if you have read Suzuki’s books, “Sadako 3D” still makes very little sense.

The point of the movie is that Kashiwada is trying to revive Sadako, but it never tells us why. How did he find out about her? What is his motive? Is it seriously because he got criticized for his art online, even though he was generally internet famous? Sure, I believe in revenge, but this seems a little over the top for a couple bad comments from people who are just jealous. Then again, it’s obvious Kashiwada isn’t well in the head to begin with.

Satomi Ishihara plays Akane Ayukawa who is an all girls high school teacher. She also seems to possess some kind of power she has used to protect people, and it only happens when she screams very loudly. The sad part about her background story is that she used this power against some creepy dude trying to kill her and her classmates. Well, instead of “thank you for saving us, Ayukawa!” the students deemed her a freak. I don’t know about you, but I’d be her best friend after that. However, one kid did thank her, and it ultimately stopped her from killing herself.

That kid was Takanori Ando, played by Koji Seto, and the two end up being together as adults. He is very caring and supportive of Akane, and he cues the best moments to go “aaaaw!” So, as actors go, they really weren’t that bad, except for when Enoki (surname unknown, played by Shota Sometani) starts going crazy for reasons unknown, acting as if he was part of it all along… does no one know how to laugh maniacally anymore? Yeah, so he wasn’t great, but he was barely in the movie, so… yeah.

I understand that certain effects need to be used to establish certain things, but those of us who have flat screen monitors for computers know that the screen is not made of glass. When Akane screams at Sadako when she’s coming out of the monitor, it explodes into shattering glass. I dunno if this was supposed to imply that Sadako was made of glass…. with the whole moth theme, you’d think she’d explode into moths.

So, actors are good, CG effects suck, story line is kind of lame… let’s get to Sadako herself. In this movie, the police detective, Yugo Koiso (played by Ryosei Tayama) tells Akane about how Sadako died. He said that she was ridiculed for her kinetic power, and so she started using her powers to kill people. As a result, people who hated her dumped her into a well. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WENT!! Sadako wasn’t known for her powers, it was her mother who was well known. Shizuko had psychic abilities, and she used them to predict a volcano eruption. But when displaying her powers to the public, she was accused of being a fraud because she got a migraine from trying to use her abilities, and couldn’t perform. This enraged Sadako, causing her to kill the reporter by giving him a heart attack. After this, Sadako split into two different girls, the “good” Sadako and the “bad” one. The “bad” Sadako was locked away by her father, but the “good” was allowed to go out and live a normal life. Shizuko had committed suicide by jumping into the volcano she predicted to erupt.

Sadako joined a theatre troupe and fell in love with one of the members. Everything was going well except for when the “bad” Sadako starts to try and reach for her other half, causing her to lose control of her powers, which results in many deaths. When the cast finally discovers it’s her, they beat her to death (except for the boy she loved), and then drive to Sadako’s father’s house to kill the “bad” Sadako. However, the two halves come back together, and she’s sent into a trance induced rampage, killing everyone from the troupe, even the man she fell in love with. Once the “good” side of her comes back to reality, her father pushes her down the well. Apparently she managed to survive for thirty years down there.

Another thing wrong with the “Sadako 3D’s” adaption of the story is that, originally, a summer resort was built over the well. However, in this movie, the well seems to be sitting outside of an abandoned shopping mall. Hmm… funny, I don’t remember the resort being torn down after Sadako’s body was discovered, nor do I remember a mall being built in its place. And you know, no one even mentions the cursed video tape anywhere in this movie. That’s actually a pretty important detail.

The reason that this movie is number five is because it does have a very exciting and epic scene. After Koiso brings Akane to the well, a strange form of Sadako crawls from the well and attacks him. These “imperfect” Sadakos are basically all of the long haired women that Kashiwada threw down the well, and so they become these long limbed monsters with freaky mouths and no visible eyes. THEY LOOK AWESOME, like something you’d see in “Silent Hill.”

So there’s a nice long sequence of Akane running from these imperfect Sadakos, and despite the CG still being bad, it’s super exciting. This is also where the movie might get some jump scares out of you. Not only that, but Akane pulls these bad ass attack moves with a pipe or something, and it makes you just go “WHOO! You go girl!” Again, like “Silent Hill,” the whole scene has a video game feel to it, and since it was in a mall, it sorta screamed “Silent Hill 3.” The Sadakos sort of gave me more of a “Silent Hill 4” feel.

Akane finally defeats all of the imperfect Sadakos by using her screaming power, and this is where the movie gets dumb again. Sadako pulls Akane into an iPhone where Takanori is trapped, and tells her that they are the same. Just because they both have powers doesn’t mean they’re the same! It’s never explained! And then when Takanori comes to (outside of the phone), he breaks the phone. How did he know that’d fix it? But whether he knew it or not, it did, and Akane fell from the ceiling covered in Sadako’s hair. You mean she was in the room above all this time?!? After that… everything’s fine. Good to go, Sloppy Joe. Well, at least we know that Akane and Takanori got to stay together.

Though this movie was pretty terrible, it is still the “best” one on this list. Of course, I looked up the reviews before watching it, but I felt like I wouldn’t feel like a true fan of the “Ringu” movie series if I didn’t see it. Well, glad I did so that I can tell others that it’s not worth watching. However… this movie is sheer gold compared to the next movie…

 

4. The Haunting (1999)

First of all, I’m gonna say that this film had potential. The story concept was… okay, I suppose, but it needed some work. Nevertheless, this movie was awful! The beginning of the movie started out so slow, I actually paused it a few times to see how much of the movie there was left. I even had to watch it in two sittings because the whole thing was boring as hell.

The CG effects were sad, basically the kind you’d see in a movie that was specifically made for TV viewing. Hell, “Carrie (2002)” had better effects! Not only that, but it was lacking the scary elements, as well as a fair amount of gore, even for a PG-13 movie. Plus, where were the jump scares? A movie like this should at least have jump scares to rely on, because it just didn’t give off a sense of fear. A ten year old could handle this movie!

As the story went on, a lot of things were left unexplained, like, why is Eleanor unable to sleep? If she even is unable to sleep. It looked like she was sleeping just fine before being awoken by ghosts of children. How did Eleanor’s mother die? Why did the idea of her mother bother her so much? And many of the events happened too conveniently, there was barely any conflict when it came to discovering clues… which were very few, by the way.

Oh god, the acting… there’s selling it, and then there’s overdoing it. Most of the actors passed the “overdoing it” line. Lili Taylor (Eleanor) had to be the worst of any of them. Any “confidence” she showed was overly dramatic, breathy, and resembled something you’d see from an extremely bad theatrical production (also known as a flop).

Owen Wilson (Luke) could’ve been better. He seemed to have the role of comedic relief, but it seemed as though he wasn’t trying very hard. Despite this, when he showed “fear,” he way overreacted. I understand that one would be startled if you run into some regular person from right around the corner, but he acted like he had seen a ghost… a scary one, not the ones from this movie. Even almost getting hit by the flue caused unnecessarily dramatic reactions. Yes, I’d freak out too, but not like that.

Liam Neeson (Dr. Marrow), unlike the others, didn’t give much of a performance at all. There was barely any emotion, and when there was, it was pretty subtle. Even nearly falling to his death from flimsy, steel stairs that, mind you, he probably shouldn’t have tried to go up in the first place, didn’t give off much feeling. Oh! And don’t even get me started on the giant stone hand that grabbed him and nearly drowned him to death! Nope, totally normal, let’s just go about our day like nothing is wrong! Of course, once again, his character also provided very little detail on his little experiment. Yes, we got the gist, but tell us exactly what your motive is, why are you so interested, why did you choose insomniacs, etc.

The Dudleys played by Bruce Dern and Marian Seldes were poorly played as well, even if they were only present at the beginning and end of the movie. The fact that Mrs. Dudley had said “I don’t stay after I set out the dinner, not after it begins to get dark. I leave before the dark,” “We live over in town, miles away, so there won’t be anyone around if you need help,” and “We couldn’t hear you. In the night. No one could. No one lives any nearer than town. No one will come any nearer than that. In the night. In the dark,” would leave me feeling very unnerved and suspicious. For anyone who’s ever seen a horror movie or read a scary story, you know that if a character says that about a house or what not, then there’s something wrong. If it had been me, I’d have either slapped her around until she told me what the hell she was talking about, or hopped in my car and left. Or maybe both! Mr. Dudley, on the other hand, is your typical, angry old man. Welp, good for him. We don’t need any details from him except a comment about a bunch of chains, we sure don’t.

The only character worth watching was Catherine Zeta-Jones (Theo). She had flare, spunk, sex appeal, and portrayed her personality more convincingly than the others. Sure, we’d have liked a bit more background on her, but most of our eyes were focused on those lovely curves of hers. She has one hell of a pretty face too. And don’t deny it, you were thinking about her obvious lesbian crush on Nell, which I didn’t much understand considering Nell wasn’t very… interesting. However, just seeing Theo on the screen made this movie… sort of worth watching.

Aside from Theo being the highlight of the movie, the other thing worth watching was what we all knew what was going to happen. The moment that flue almost hit Luke, we knew that he was going to die. And behold! His head got chopped off by the damn thing! You’d think that, after the first encounter, you’d know to stay out of the way. Still, when he got decapitated, I was all like “YEAH! That’s the stuff!” Then back to the “okay, is the movie over yet?”

Many stories contain foreshadowing… this story, however, left no mystery, no questioning of what’s going to happen, and even the would-be “jump scares” were highly predictable. Seconds before they’d happen, I’d already known that something was going to try and freak us out, but even when it did, it barely made you flinch. I admit, I flinched when the doors under the fireplace was discovered, because when they shut it, it made a very loud noise. Ouch, my poor ears.

Speaking of that door, there were bones in the ashes inside of it! Nell wanted people to believe her so badly, but she didn’t have the sense to pick up a goddamn femur to show the others? Ooh, bones! So scary! Suck it up! You don’t even have to touch it, just push it out with the poker you were using to dig in the ashes! Pfft… dumbass…

And that ending… Theo and Dr. Marrow were the only two that got out alive… soooooo… there’s no investigation? No questioning the disappearance of two people? No wondering about the decapitated man or dead woman still left in the wreckage? Of course not! After all, it was just an experiment, right? T_T

All in all, I’d say, if you need a laugh, go ahead and watch this movie. It’s currently on Netflix, so if you have Netflix, the movie won’t cost you anything… but it wouldn’t be worth buying or renting. Honestly, though, if you watch this movie, you’re gonna be disappointed. Just focus on Theo’s ass, alright?

 

3. Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

Just like the previous movie on this list, “Paranormal Asylum” had potential… but obviously its “potential” was thrown into the trash along with the cast’s acting ability. Even though Aaron Mathias (Mark Goodwin) is a very good looking man, he didn’t give a very convincing performance. However, Nathan Spiteri (Andy, also very handsome) actually did a pretty good job. He fit his character well, most of his reactions were pretty reasonable in certain situations, and was probably one of the most dynamic characters. Everyone else was shit. Utter shit.

Laura Gilreath (Michelle) gave the sort of acting performance you’d expect to see in a high school drama class play, and her attempt at playing a victim of possession was just laughable. The only thing this chick had going for her in this movie was how good her body looked in lingerie. Notice how I only said body… Now onto Grace Evans (Evelin)… not only is she one of the least attractive women I’ve ever seen, but her acting was atrocious. It literally almost seemed like she had read her script for the first time right before shooting the scenes. In some parts, it looks as though she’s reading off cue cards. I’ve seen better acting on TVPG sitcoms. As for the other roles… fuck you. Just… fuck you. Shit, crap, dookie, whatever. I want to punch them all in the face.

Oh, and as a certified makeup artist… I WANT TO KICK THIS MOVIE’S MAKEUP CREW IN THEIR FAMILY JEWELS! Even if there are women! I think the men’s makeup was fine, but there’s not much you can mess up on that. But oh my god, Michelle’s makeup after she got possessed was mortifying. It got even worse when she was fully taken over! She looked like she was about to go trick or treating! What really got me, though, was the wig. I’ve gotten more realistic looking wigs from Walgreens, okay? It looked like they didn’t even try to put it on correctly, just slammed it on her head and said, “there ya go!” I understand that Laura probably didn’t want to color her hair, but even I have a black wig that looks like it’s my real hair. In fact, many have asked me if I dyed my hair! This… this was like ninety-nine cent store wig. Guys, I get my wigs on eBay for like 20-30 bucks. Your budget can’t be that low.

And then there was Evelin’s makeup. Was she supposed to be a prostitute clown? Because that’s what she looked like. I understand that she was the antagonist, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to make her look like a five dollar hoe. She may be pretty unattractive, but for the colors they used, there was a great opportunity to create illusions to fix her facial features. That’s sort of the point of makeup in films and photography. My nose is crooked, but it can be easily disguised with highlighting and contouring. Again, I know she’s a bad guy, and making her look gaunt was probably the target, but they went about it the wrong way. With her red dress in the end, you could tell they were trying to show beauty, that was the whole reason Typhoid Mary took Michelle over, to preserve Evelin’s youth. Well, peachy keen, jelly bean, but she didn’t look young. The whore makeup made her look like an old woman trying to be “hip” in today’s crowd. The only “hip” ladies like that have is a broken one.

This film’s staff must’ve had a very low budget, because the effects were so sad, I could’ve done a better job. I mean, was this movie in theatres, or was it straight to video? Because if it was in theatres, I’m sure most of the audience left halfway through. Hell, I commend people who managed to sit three quarters through, let alone finish the movie. Oh yeah, the ending… it was almost like the screenplay writer ran out of time and just slapped some notes on a sheet of lined paper and said, “DO THIS! It’ll work!” Well, it didn’t. It didn’t work. It sucked. It sucked harder than sucking itself.

Overall, don’t see this movie. Even though it’s on Netflix, it’s not worth your time. Unless you want to learn how to not make a horror flick, don’t give this movie a single chance. I was pretty mad when it was done, and I imagined my cartoon self flipping tables out of pure rage. As far as I know, it’s not rated. But man, bleep out some bad words and don’t mention rape, and it’d probably be PG-13. If I had a kid and they were decently desensitized, I’d let them watch it… with my supervision, of course. So uh… yeah, huge thumbs down.

 

2. Tormented (2011)

Another Japanese film with great potential, but honestly, I wanted to flip tables again when it was over. Not even “Chakushin Ari 3” was this bad! Then again, “Chakushin Ari 3” was better than even “Sadako 3D.” “Tormented” starts out with a little boy, Daigo (played by Takeru Shibuya), killing a rabbit by smashing it with a rock. It sounds horrible, yes, but apparently the rabbit was already dying, so he put it out of its misery. Even so, the huge spurt of blood wasn’t necessary. I mean, come on… it’s a bunny…

Kiriko (played by Hikari Mitsushima) is Daigo’s older half sister, and she is mute. Daigo himself rarely speaks. People all think that they killed the rabbit just for kicks, so they were pretty out casted. They go to see a horror film (only in japan will an eight year old see a horror movie), and somehow a stuffed rabbit comes out of the screen as a 3D effect, and Daigo catches it. This makes you wonder how no one else saw it. However, when he gets home, the rabbit is missing! But wait! There are bloody footprints leading out of the room! So he follows them… and gets snatched up by the stuffed rabbit that is somehow alive now. Oh, did I mention that the CG effects in this film are poor too? Well, actually, it sort of fits.

Anyway, I thought the movie was picking up when Daigo is brought to an amusement park and confronted by a giant bunny mascot. It is ADORABLE!! And it makes little squeaks! So Daigo has fun with the bunny mascot, and then it gets dark and starts to rain. Here’s one of the coolest effects I have ever seen. The rain drops slowly come to a stop, just floating in midair, and it’s like magic! The rabbit, being tall, is able to run through the raindrops hovering above, which move around him gracefully when his ears pushed through them. It’s so nice and lovely and life is wonderful…

And then the rabbit leads Daigo to some other place with other animal mascots hanging from a tree, and Mr. Bunny mascot here turns into a much scarier version, and it can blink. However, I personally still thought it was cute… I mean, come on, compare it to “Donnie Darko’s” Frank. Anyway, Kiriko manages to bring Daigo back to the real world and stuff…

“Reitanna, this movie doesn’t sound so bad, why is it number two?” Well, my friends, even though the makeup, acting, set design, and a couple mild jump scares, this movie takes a turn for the worse. It looks like the movie is about to end, and it reveals to us that the rabbit was actually Kyoko (whose actress I cannot find), Kiriko’s step mother. Kiriko hated Kyoko because she wasn’t her real mother, and she was also pregnant with her father’s baby. When Kiriko goes to the amusement park on her birthday, a rabbit mascot goes on the merry-go-round with her. After seeing Kiriko having fun, Kyoko removes the rabbit head to reveal her identity, and then gives her the stuffed rabbit that Daigo got from the theatre. Welp, wouldn’t you know it, the child still hated the poor women and pushed her off her horse. She fell and was crushed by one of the bars, but somehow ended up giving birth to her son… even though she didn’t look remotely close to her ninth month. Kiriko brings the baby off of the merry-go-round, and the whole event traumatizes her enough to take away her voice.

So… um… why is it still nowhere near the end of the movie? I thought we just hit the twist. Nope. Now there’s another twist! Apparently Daigo never existed! It was just Kiriko’s hallucination! The “baby” that Kiriko saved from the merry-go-round was just the stuffed rabbit that she imagined was a baby boy. The father tried hard to help her get well, to stop seeing hallucinations, but apparently ten years later, she started seeing Daigo again. Also, it turns out that she was responsible for the mercy killing of the dying rabbit.

Okay… that makes sense, I guess. I mean, the movie “Forbidden Siren” did the same thing. (That’s a good movie, by the way.) So Kiriko is in a mental hospital. When she comes a bit to her senses, she runs away and goes back home, discovering that all things that proved Daigo’s existence was gone, including the top bunk of the bed they slept on. She came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t real, and everything is dandy.

But wait, there’s more… we see the father, Kohei (played by Teruyuki Kagawa) working on his picture books of The Little Mermaid. By the way, I guess in Japan the original story of The Little Mermaid is appropriate for little children… you know, the real one where the mermaid had to kill her love to get her voice and fins back? But instead she commits suicide? Yup. Only in Japan. Anyway, Kohei is drawing when he sees none other than Daigo in the window reflection. So now he’s having the same hallucination. What… a… twist…? When Kiriko tracks her father down, she sees him alone, no Daigo at all. Hmm…….

THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS!! So it seems that Daigo was actually a manifestation of Kiriko’s emotions that was haunting her, and then Kohei! Um… WHAT?!? He demands she stabs him, and when she does, she had stabbed herself because “they were the same person.” Daigo pushed her from the top of a stairway, and as she falls, she gains her voice back… then KASQUISH! Lands on concrete and breaks her head open. The stuffed animal fell with her, and its head came off, but it gets up and crawls away. Finally, the movie ends with Kohei and Daigo happily walking toward the setting sun.

WHAT THE F–*EXPLOSION!!!*

It was already a pretty slow story with hardly any buildup, but then it ends like that?! Bull! So here’s basically what it did: There was the beginning, no rise, but went straight to the conflict with no climax, and then fell back down. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, we have climax, climax, conflict, climax, conflict, climax, fall, and the sad excuse for an ending. There was no rise to any parts of the so called “plot!” This movie could’ve avoided being number two on my list if it didn’t try and have four different plot twists that nearly contradicted most of the story and explained nothing! It’s as if four different writers came up with an ending, and they slapped them in without anyone reading them before hand. Good job, guys.

I dunno, maybe you wouldn’t rate it the second worst on this list, but I have never been so disappointed by an Asian film as I was with “Tormented.” The rabbit mascot was cute, and the rain effect was pretty, but those “plot twists” killed the already suffering movie, and I was livid. Wasted time I could’ve spent writing… problem is, I watch these movies on my 2DS when I start having double vision, which happens on the same time almost every evening, and I can’t see a goddamn thing… I expect this won’t be the last terrible Asian movie I end up watching on Netflix. Just… don’t bother with this one, it really isn’t worth your time. Instead, go watch “Paranormal Asylum.” XD

 

1. 12/12/12 (2012 [go figure])

Oho, yes, here we are, the grand daddy of them all… Before we start, let me just say that, if a movie involves a child being born as the Antichrist, it’s most likely already terrible. However, if a movie’s title is a date with all the same numbers, stay away, stay far away! So far on Netflix, I’ve seen (not watched) two movies titled “11/11/11,” and one titled “13/13/13.” I sort of want to watch that last one to see what this miraculous thirteenth month is. I’m serious though, if the title is a date combined with something involving Satan, stay away. TERRIBLE movies.

So, we know most people were freaking out about December 12, 2012 because it was supposedly going to be the end of the world. Of course it wasn’t, ding dongs! However, the movie industry likes to play with us, so they make a movie called “12/12/12,” where a baby was born on that specific date, and then everyone starts to die because he’s the spawn of Hell, blah blah blah. Already cliché, already predictable, already terrible.

I’m not even going to bother with names of characters or actors, because no one gives a fuck. So this woman gives birth to her baby, baby kills the nurses and doctors in the room, mother wakes up and doesn’t seem to freak out much, then weird dude tries to kidnap the baby, but gets the wrong one. Whee. Mommy takes baby home, animals and people like the mail man end up dying if they see the baby, and weird dude is still trying to kidnap baby.

Hang on, it gets better. I dunno if this is in the right order, but I don’t care, I’m not wasting my time by watching the movie again. There are two sexual scenes, one where it appears as if the woman’s husband is touching her………. but it’s not her husband IT WAS THE BABEH OMG THE BABEH WAS GETTIN ALL FREAKY DEAKY WITH MAMA!! Awkward, gross, and a huge “what the fuck?” moment. Then later, the woman has a dream, but you don’t know it’s a dream yet, where her husband (who is dead at this point) rapes her. Alright, it’s your husband. There’s a difference between saying “I’m not in the mood” and “OH GOD STOP! NO!!” Maybe it’s just the Scorpio in me, but if my significant other surprised me with sex, I wouldn’t be fighting. Dat woman be cray cray! Plus, she didn’t seem disturbed by the dream at all after waking up, even though she was pissing pinecones while it happened!

If awkward and disturbing sexual encounters wasn’t bad enough, the stupidity of the mother seems to grow. Hey, I’ve seen my baby doing weird things that babies don’t normally do! Hey, everyone keeps dying around my baby! OH JESUS I just saw my baby attack a guy and rip his throat out! But he’s a good baby, he’s just an innocent little baby…

I don’t even need to tell you how horrible the acting and storyline is, I think you’ve guess that. But man, the effects… WHAT EFFECTS? It’s never even a real baby! It might show a real baby once or twice in the movie, I can’t remember, but even when the mother holds it in her arms, it’s wrapped in a blanket, and you can just tell it’s a doll! “Well, maybe the baby wouldn’t cooperate.” Well then, listen to this part… when little baby boy gets picked up by the cult or whatever, it turns all demonic, ya know, like the Antichrist. For the first time in the movie, it completely shows the baby… and I laughed my pants off. This thing is literally a puppet or doll. I assume puppet.

You know when you see a Barbie doll commercial where little girls are pretending to make the dolls walk and perform tasks? Well, that’s how the puppet moved. There were no effects, it didn’t blink, the mouth didn’t move, and when it attacked people, the “victim” had to hold the puppet to his chest and writhe around like an idiot, pretending to be getting killed by this thing. Mama still tries to reason with her lovely child, but come on, bitch, your son is a Hell spawn… and he looks like he was made by some disturbed eighth grader in art class. Not to mention the blood looked like orange water with little foam chunks in it.

I don’t even remember the ending because I was so mortified at how terrible this movie was, but I do remember a few of the suicides. Yes, some of the deaths were gruesome in theory, but they did not deliver them right. A woman jumped off a cliff and landed like a mannequin in a very fluffy bit of grass with the softest of thuds, and a woman put one single fork in a microwave for twelve seconds, and the whole house blew up. Kids, putting a fork in the microwave is not safe, but the worst that could happen is that you gotta buy a new microwave. It’s not gonna BLOW UP THE HOUSE.

Another thing is the dialogue. The overuse of “fuck” was too much, hence the term “overuse.” The doctor delivering the baby was like “oh this is fuckin gross” or whatever. Listen, I have a potty mouth, but there’s a time and place where you don’t use such language, and one of the most important places is at work. In a hospital!! Hell, if you said something was “fuckin gross” working at even a grocery store, you’d at least get written up, and probably fired depending on how strict your boss is!

I could’ve made this movie for like twenty bucks, just on props, at least. Hell, not even that, I bet I had all the necessary things to make that demon baby doll right here at home! Get some friends to act like a couple of douches, and you got yourself a movie! Hell, your friends don’t even have to be good at acting, just throw them on in there! Whatever shit that’d turn out to be would end up ten times better than “12/12/12.” Save yourselves! Don’t watch this movie! I’d watch “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” before watching “12/12/12” a second time. But who knows, if I watch “13/13/13” to see how the hell they counted thirteen months, maybe that’ll be even worse. I don’t know why society keeps making dates out to be deadly…

 

So, that’s my top five worst horror movies in my opinion, and like I’ve said a million times, don’t watch them, don’t go near them, don’t even consider it. Yeah, you’ll be scared… scared of dying from boredom and overdose of stupidity. That’s the worst kind of death. I’m surprised that I managed to find “Chakushin Ari 3” better than “Sadako 3D.” Amazing… maybe it was because I laughed so hard.

Anyway, if you read this entire thing, congratulations, you care about the quality of your horror movies. I love getting scared, but it’s pretty hard to strike me with fear, which is different than jump scares. I enjoy good jump scares though, they’re exciting. I’m always hoping something paranormal happens to me, but the closest thing that’s happened was the whole Boothworld Industries thing, which turned out to be one of the most impressive pranks I’ve ever seen.

That’s all guys, thanks for reading, and make sure to subscribe to me on YouTube and watch me on Deviant Art. Too-da-loo!

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