Spread the Word of Awesome!

I started crying today, about five minutes ago. I cried a couple days ago too. “It’s my fault,” I said to Michael when he tried to comfort me. He told me it wasn’t my fault. “Your mother was a fucked up person,” he said.

I don’t know why I’ve been dwelling on it so much. It started November 3rd, which is my mother’s birthday. I thought I didn’t care, but thinking about it brought up a lot of bad memories. I wrote a song about how life was with her. It’s called “Upbringing.” I haven’t uploaded it to Youtube yet because I need to do the artwork for it, but when I do, I’ll post a link. In the meantime, here are the lyrics. I will explain the full meaning in each paragraph.

UPDATE: Here is the video

“Mama, you told me

The world wasn’t ugly

Full of sunshine and rainbows

And jars filled with candy

How did you think

That you could fool me?”

Basically my mother didn’t teach me about life. I remained naive about many things until I was about… 16? There are still things I don’t understand. She made it seem like life would be easy, that people would just hand me things. She wasn’t the best influence, either. She always did things that had negative consiquences, but, as I was a child, I didn’t understand. She didn’t teach me about my period, so I was very frightened when I got it. I also didn’t know it wasn’t okay to threaten to kill someone, and I didn’t learn until I was about 12 or 13. I didn’t know how to act around people, and I still don’t. Sometimes I can’t filter things I say, and frankly I’m not sure how to word things, so sometimes things come out offensive when I don’t mean it. She didn’t teach me about sex, so even at age 12, I was so scared of the subject, I would FLIP out in sex ed. I considered “sexy” a bad word, and thought sex was a horrible, disgusting thing that people did. All of these things I had to learn myself, and that’s why it took me such a long time to mature, and I’m STILL not quite there yet.

“Mama once told me that

She’d always love me

And nothing would hurt

Her sweet little baby

‘Everyone will love you,’

She said, ‘because you are

The sweetest child…'”

Alright, I’m a little pissed. I had all these explanations, and I clicked “save draft,” and somehow EVERYTHING got lost. What the hell. I’m not writing all that again, so I guess just interpret the lyrics how you want. I apologize. Well, I guess I’ll just write something short.

“My perfect world

I try to remind myself

‘Mama loves me'”

Well, this one is self explanatory.

“Mama, you told me that

I didn’t have to try hard

That I wouldn’t get anywhere anyway

Mama once told me that

She’d always love me

But now her voices say otherwise”

A few years later, mom started to get worse. She started hearing voices that she would scream at. She would ask me if I could hear them, and she’d even try to record them on tape. Of course, they weren’t there when she played them back. She began telling me that I would never get anywhere in life. She said I’d end up not graduating highschool, and I’d never get into a college, even though I was a very good student (except in 6th grade, when I was made fun of so much, I wasn’t motivated to work.) I was diagnosed at 12 with manic deppressive disorder. They put me on Prozac, which started to make me feel suicidal. I stopped taking it without my mom knowing. I’d flush them down the toilet, or pretend I forgot to take them. But she still told me she loved me. I heard her “conversations” with her voices, and from what I could tell, they were telling her how much of a failure she was, and how she screwed up.

“Back then, I didn’t

Know it wasn’t normal

For sunshine and rainbows

To turn black”

I didn’t know that other children didn’t normally endure this kind of thing from their parents.

“Mama, I told you that

I’d always hate you

For the hell and torment you

Put me through”

Finally, February, I was 14 and in 8th grade, my grandmother witnessed what my mother did. The police were called, and I was sent to school. By the time I got home, mom was gone, and she had lost custody of me. I hated her, and I still do. I was practically an orphan, mother gone, father not in the picture and not even paying child support, and my grandmother (who is also a horrible person, she fucks with your mind. My poor brother is living with her right now, and he’s always coming to me to vent because I’m the only person who understands what a bitch she is,) officially adopted me. Mom tried to talk to me, calling and asking grandma to hand the phone over. I refused. She sent me $100 for one of my birthdays, I think it was my 18th. Of course, I ripped up the card and spent the money on a Pullip doll. She was a sucker. I’ll take her money with the coldest, greedy heart I possess. My grandmother didn’t, and still doesn’t understand what happened to me mentally. I was suicidal and I wanted everyone, including myself, to die. She would try to invite mom over without warning me, which ended in a mental breakdown, and I ran off to a boyfriend’s house for refuge. On my 20th birthday, she tried calling me to wish me happy birthday, and I flipped, screaming at her to never try and make contact with me ever again. After hanging up the phone, I cried. Both Lauren and Mike said that, if they ever met my mother, they would fuck her up. Lauren was more aggressive, saying she’d probably kill her. Even though I told her I didn’t want her to go to jail, I felt proud of her. She was the first person who actually was willing to stand up for my past. And even though Lauren is… well… fucked up in the head now, I still appreciate everything she did when she was in her right mind.

The last part of the song has a bunch of previous lyrics jumbled together, and then “But you lied.” This simple line explains that everything she told me, or anything she did was a complete lie. I am grateful for the lesson I learned from her. She inadvertently taught me not to do drugs or drink because she did it so much. She motivated me to do well in school, because she didn’t even graduate middle school. The only mistake I made was losing my virginity at 14. Like I said, I wasn’t taught about that part.

So, the reason why I started crying tonight was because some idiot commented on one of my videos on Youtube, and started getting in an argument with worseorbetter about how sucky his life was because he didn’t have a job. He was basically whining about stupid crap, and that he wanted to just give up or something. That’s when I brought all this up, and concluded with “but I’m still going. I pay rent, I buy my own groceries, and I pay student loans, and my paycheck only averages about $700 a month if I’m lucky. I have shitty hours, but I can still take care of myself and not mooch off others.” Upon hearing that I was abused by my mother, he said, “uh huh, yeah right.” Once again, I flipped out on him. I know he’s an idiot, and probably just trying to get a reaction out of me, but that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a sensitive subject. After I was done writing my very angry comment, I broke down. I’m alone in the house right now because Michael is at work, so I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, just my desk. I still have that familiar lump in my throat, and a very bad headache. I don’t want to cry about this, I want to get over it, but I don’t know how. Maybe it just needs a little more time. It’s been 7 years though, you’d think that’d be enough time. But I still flinch if someone raises a hand too quickly.

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Comments on: "I Guess I’m Really Not Over It" (6)

  1. Tipsledude1010 said:

    Have you ever thought “I’m going to get a hitman to find and kill my mother”?

    • I’ve considered it, but I don’t have the money, nor do I have enough knowledge about mining bitcoins, which I heard takes forever anyway

  2. HI, Parents are a pain even the best ones generally, I know,because I am one it is easy to find fault with them we have high hopes and they may not live up to our expectations. that said, you are blessed with you, you have a lot going for you, you have achieved more than your mother and will continue to do so. Life is not about happyness. it is about perspective. when you live life and realize it is a journey and that the journey is the good part not the destination every thing get easier, simpler, nicer. i like to live life thinking every day is great WOW it was a bit cold out side today NICE… i could feel the air . the hair on my arms standing up. i stopped in the parking lot and savored the moment before I ran into walmart to buy some shampoo and soap. there I was baffeled with tons of choices , wishing there was a simple bottle that said shampoo and a bar of SOAP hmmmm no way. so i bought DOVE seemed like the simplest choice. So your day was full of the same simple choices, Happy , SAD, You are happy independant of you mom she gave you life and that is all you need enjoy it, it is yours package it however you please!

  3. The Lurker said:

    I heard the song on Youtube, and really, it was a heart ache, it was one of those songs that really actually MEANT something compared to so many of those crappy songs out there.
    And what made the song more important was that it came from someone who actually KNEW how to relate to the song.
    I’m sorry those things happened to you in your past (though I guess sorry doesn’t do anything), but I suppose all that shit made you who you are, the colourful person who makes funny, meaningful, interesting videos.
    Personally I haven’t been through hard ships in my life(well, everyone encounters hardships at least once, I guess), so I’d assume seven years isn’t completely enough to erase everything, but you are a strong person to have walked on so far. I salute you.

  4. I remember that dude on Youtube after I tried to explain the subsequent consequence of a flawed economic system. The rammification of which being a wide spread recession caused by the artificial housing bubble in 03′, which inevitably burst 5 years later. This collapse would affect many American’s, particuarly in the poor to middle class. My commentary was not only a means to educate, it was an attempt to illustrate the malignant results Keynesian policy- led by too much credit and inflation- have on society.
    When he introduced a sedgeway in the form of a sob story about how much his life sucks I decided to leave it at that. I mean, his life is not my problem. Also, he should learn to look around him and see that other people’s lives also suck. Although, things suck right now socially-economically, we still find a way to deal with-it and progress.
    But, yeah, I would waste any more time with this troll.
    K 🙂

    You can’t say ‘sucks’ on tv
    what? that sucks!
    yeah, really… it sucks that you can’t say sucks on tv

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