Okay, so I have to talk about this one. I know I haven’t posted for a very long time, but this is something worth venting about. So, I’m gonna talk about some people, but for confidentiality reasons, I will refer to them as letters. Also, if you know who I am talking about, please to not reveal their names.
So, my best friend for nearly 6 years, L, has… well, I don’t even fucking understand what happened. She used to be fine, and then she became simply psychotic. And trust me, I have to take anti-psychotic medication, so I KNOW psychotic. But now that I’m normal, I can’t comprehend her logic behind some of the ridiculous things she says! A few months ago, she became friends with M, and so did I. M was really cool to hang around, and she was another intelligent person. The three of us had a lot of fun together. But for some reason, L started getting depressed and having breakdowns. At first, I understood how it felt to be in her shoes, because I did. I’ve had depression. But it started getting a little… more out of hand than I thought. She started self diagnosing herself, which probably made her think she had the symptoms, and subconsciously gave her a reason to have temper tantrums. She acted like a child. L lives with her parents, and she’s 21. I’m younger than her by a few months. If her parents didn’t let her borrow the car, she would curl up in a ball on the floor and scream. L was always the one to talk me out of suicide when I wasn’t in control of my disorder, and she was there for me when I was getting myself better. I had to right myself, I didn’t depend on other people to fix me, but I did look to L for support. L always said that she wouldn’t dream of harming herself, but she would tell me how… well, let’s just get into this. L met M’s friends, C and V for the first time. L was a little too forward with C. She acted as though they had been friends for a long time, and expected C to find it humorous if L played around and teased her a bit. But C is self conscious and uncomfortable with L’s obnoxious behavior, and V stepped in, as any good and protective friend would, and told L to back off. L was convinced C and V weren’t her friends, so at school she went behind a building and poked herself with a pencil. Hmm. Wow, that sure is hardcore.
So on and on she would threaten suicide. “I’m going to go drive into a tree,” she said one time. She checked herself into a mental hospital for about two days and came out as if she was cured. She’s in therapy regularly. Poor M is the main victim here because L would scream at her and tell her she doesn’t care, she’s not supporting her, or she’s not there for her. She says M is turning all her friends against her. Two of these “friends” are T and S. T met her once and automatically didn’t like her. S only met her online, and told me she felt frightened by L. T actually told me that part of her wanted to tell L herself, “look, I don’t like you, and I have never liked you.”
What is L’s definition of support? Because I believe it means urging someone like this to get better, staying by her side to try and show her we care… support does not mean we fix her for her. I have been around L and M every time L has a tantrum. M tries her best to speak reasonably to L, but L says that M is speaking hostile. As I sit there, my brain is twitching from the ridiculousness. “How is she being hostile? How did we end up talking about this? And how the hell did it escalate to this magnatude? Isn’t this kind of a small thing to get all worked up about?” So, after the second time, M and I were both very wary. We were gonna go to San Francisco, but we were starting to fear that it would go up in flames because of her. I wanted to try and have faith and think of ways that L could deal with situations without freaking out. The main things L freaks out about is if people aren’t paying attention to her or aren’t doing what she wants to do. M did the right thing and warned S about what was going on. S told her mother, who is a nurse and also has bipolar disorder, and hasn’t had a breakdown in at least 20 years, and she said she didn’t feel comfortable with L staying in her house for the first night. L was fuming, but I tried to explain that it was a reasonable thing for M to warn them, otherwise it would’ve been dangerous for S’s mom. So L said M sabotaged her going on the trip, and she hated her and wasn’t her friend. I called M, and she said, “you know, maybe if L can really help herself, and really gets better, I would consider being friends. But I put too much into this friendship, and nothing has changed. I’m done with her behavior.” Note that M just turned 20. The way M spoke to me and explained everything was very mature and calm, though I know she was frustrated, just like me. M has never had any messed up friends, and she met me after I was on meds, so she doesn’t know how scary I am without them. And mind you, she will never know, because I am very consistant when I take my medication.
L seems to think that I haven’t changed. She said once, “we have to keep eachother up.” What is this “we?” And what do you mean “eachother?” I don’t have problems trying to stay happy at parties or events. I was with two people I barely knew in San Fran, and I had the time of my life! They are awesome people! M and S were volunterring most of the time, so T and I would wander around, but I never felt sad or awkward, because I felt at home, and I felt comforted that I can make friends this easily, now that I have my disorder under control. But still, L says she has to walk on eggshells around me because she’s afraid to upset me. Honey, if you upset me, there’s a damn good reason for it. One being, you pretending to be suicidal for attention. I feel angry. I hate to say it, but L has no idea what misery is. She doesn’t know what ‘cutting yourself” is. It’s not poking yourself with a pencil. I am not proud of this, so don’t think I’m bragging when I say it. I’ve bit gashes into my wrist, I’ve scratched myself with a key (and not just a scratch, but freaking sawed at my skin with it), I’ve used a letter opener, safty pins, carved words into my skin, and used my own nails on myself. Hell, once I scratched my left arm with my nails so bad, it was four inches long and one inch wide, and I had to have bandages on it for almost a month before it stopped hurting. It hurt so bad, I could barely move it. I couldn’t even put my backpack over my left shoulder, and to this day, I am still in the habit of slinging backpacks over my right shoulder only. It feels weird to have it over both, unless it’s one of those light plushie backpacks. Poking yourself with a pencil? Oh! And then telling someone about it! Often times, the only way people found out about my scars was if someone accidentally saw it. I would usually hide it under a sweat band I always wore. The unhidable ones I would try and make excuses, though how many people believed me? I don’t know. Of course I told L when it happened, not right away though. There are even some she still doesn’t know about. I’ve lied about my most recent scar that happened when I forgot to take my medication when I first started taking it. But in highschool, she told me it was okay for me to cut myself. I think she wants me to tell her the same. What I feel is that she wants to be patted on the head and told that it’s going to be okay. But true friends don’t lie, and true friends will tell you the most painful things that are true. One big problem is her mother. L’s mother has always been a very corrupt woman for as long as I’ve known her. Right now, she’s babying L, and that’s not helping her to grow up.
So, L calls me and tells me M is trying to turn me against her. I didn’t say this, but I should’ve, but M has nothing to do with this on MY end. If this was happening and M hadn’t even met us, it would be the same. It’s not M who’s turning me against L, it’s L who’s turning me against L. So of course, I told L the honest to god truth, and she started bawling and saying “you’re talking to me like M does!” Oh, you mean like a civilized adult? I’m sorry, should I tawk in a wittle baby voice? So she hung up on me. But listen guys, I don’t let people mess with me or play around with my mentality. I’ve got my own shit going on. I’ve never let people control or manipulate me, and I wasn’t gonna start now. I texted her and told her she had an hour to get her shit together and apologize. Harsh, yes. But you don’t FUCK with me. And hour came, and I said goodbye. I’m gonna call this next person MC because his name starts with an M. MC has been telling me from the start of this disaster, “all I’ve seen is her making you miserable. She may have been a good friend before, but she’s not now. This is unhealthy for you, and I think you need to think about your safety.” The first two times L had a tantrum, I listened to him say this as I was crying and thinking this was my fault. “this isn’t your fault,” he said. “It’s not M’s or your job to fix her. Only she can do this for herself. Nobody can help her.” Both times I considered kicking L out of my life, even before MC said she’s not good for me anymore. He actually said this after I told him, “maybe I should just exclude her frome my life.” I was afraid I’d lose it and get sick again, and I wasn’t about to endanger myself or people around me. I haven’t had a single thought about me dying or a single urge to cut myself in ages, not even when L started this shit. So the third time came around, (that was the whole phone thing), and MC said again, “it’s not your fault.” I said, “I know it’s not, but I think that’s what makes me feel worse. It’s not my fault, but L is blaming me, and M.” He said, “there’s nothing you can do. I’m worried about your health.” So that’s when I said goodbye. Of course, L combats my text with a bullshit message saying “I’m cutting you loose. I need to get rid of the baggage.” This is where I laugh, because it’s so fucking comical. I reply with, “uh, no, it’s ME who is cutting YOU loose. Come back when you mature.” And I haven’t spoken to her since. Am I hurt? Yes. I would be a fool to say I wasn’t. L told me she can’t live without me, and she then said I couldn’t live without her. So what, am I supposed to kill myself if L isn’t around? Uh, I don’t think so. Am I gonna shut my self off from the world? No, I have bills to pay, I have work to go to, and I actually like going and doing stuff, thank you very much. You’ve been like a sister to me L, but if you really cared for me, you wouldn’t have done this to me. It’s your fault, but it’s also your loss. I admit, it will probably take me a bit to get over this, but since I’m actually sane, it won’t consume me.
I just think it’s miraculous. All this time, L has acted as a sister figure, and sometimes a mother figure. She’s always been the one I look to because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how I was supposed to react to things. I didn’t know how to behave because my parents were horrible people. And even to this day, I am probably not as mature as the average 21 year old. I still watch cartoons, I love stuffed animals and toys (of course I don’t play with them, more like cuddle the stuffed animals and take pictures with my dolls and toys), I wear colorful clothings and hair stuff, and I color my hair odd colors. But I’ve become the person I, my mom, and my grandmother, and hell, my entire dad’s side of my family, never thought I’d be. I graduated highschool. I graduated from college. I have a job, I am living in an apartment I can call mine and my roomate’s (MC), I pay rent and bills, I pay student loans, I pay for my share of the groceries, and I still have enough money to spend on myself every now and then. I turn 21 in a week, and L turned 21 in July. Congratulations, Kara. You are more mature than L. It’s… mind boggling.
Another funny thing is, I spent five days with M, and not once did she ever say something mean or insensitive. She didn’t even want to talk about L. She’s just done. L asked me, “how can you still be friends with her?” Because she never did anything to me. As far as I’ve seen, she is an awesome person. And from what I’ve seen, your perspective on her is warped, just as your definition of “support” is. I’m not going to stop being someone’s friend just because another friend doesn’t like them.
So, that’s everything that’s happened, which brings me to the next part. Last night I had a dream about L and M, and one other person was there, but I don’t know who it was. We were at some kind of fair because there were farm animals. I was trying to stay by L’s side because she wanted to feel comforted. M saw something she was excited about and said, “you guys! Come look at this!” So I ran to see the thing, which I think some some kind of giant goat or something. L fell back and didn’t run forward as I had done. When I realized she wasn’t there, I turned and saw her sitting in a corner and crying. I asked what was wrong, and she said that we weren’t paying attention to her, and that I’d rather hang out with M than with her. I told her that M wanted to show us something, so I ran to see what it was. I was confused as to why L didn’t join us. It’s not like we said, “NO! you can’t see!” The dream changed to like a week later. L was talking to me like nothing had happened, but I hadn’t spoken to her for a week because she had made a scene at the fair. I said, “I’m a little frightened. I still don’t really forgive you.” But we went and hung out together anyway. The entire time, I felt shitty and depressed. I wasn’t excited about being around someone who had caused me so much pain multiple times in the last two months. But L ignored my feelings towards her previous behaviors. I felt like I was just there because I was too weak to tell her, “no, I can’t be around you. Not until you grow up.” And then the dream changed to something completely unrelated. Long story short, I believe the dream was summing up everything that has happened. M and I are acting normal, but as soon as we seem like we’re not paying attention to L, it all goes to hell. And then I try to act like I want to give L another chance, but in my mind I am afraid of another tantrum.
However, after all of this, I don’t have a nagging bad feeling in my heart. I know she will be back. Whether it takes weeks, months, or years. She’ll get her life on track (hopefully), and she’ll come back and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what the hell happened. I was foolish, immature, and I acted way out of line.” I’m waiting for the sane, adult L to show herself. And if she never returns to me, oh well. We had a good run, and on top of remembering the bad times, I will also remember the good.
Funny, while writing this entire time, I haven’t shed a single tear. Now on to enjoying the rest of my day off. Happy 11/1/11 everyone! XD