So, I’ve had some really vivid dreams in the past that I’ve written down in a dream journal somewhere. I believe dreams mean something, so I reread them from time to time. Sometimes dreams will be so realistic, I wake up and think it really happened, and I ask someone, “remember when I said this?” and they’re like, “uh… no.” I’ve had dreams of things that later happen in real life, I’ve tasted things, I’ve felt pain, I’ve read things and saw the palms of my hands, which they say is impossible. I’ve drowned and was actually “dead” in the dream for three seconds or so before I woke up, and I’ve had the same voice tell me to wake up a second before I’m actually supposed to wake up. However, I’ve only had a couple of dreams that actually SHOCKED me awake.
The first one I remember was when I was a senior in highschool. I guess I was walking down a dark but dimly lit hallway with my class, and the teacher warned us not to look at the painting. I of course, looked at it, and it was a ghost, and it was moving or something, I don’t really remember. Or maybe it was just so shocking that it made me wake up, panting. It was much scarier than I can remember. Another one was the same year. I was part of a group called Haikyo, and we were fans of the movie Suicide Club… but we were serious. We wanted to meet together somewhere and commit mass suicide. Then I had a dream where I was holding a phone, and a prerecorded message said “please enter your PIN.” I screamed and threw the phone to the floor, fully knowing exactly what the PIN was and what it meant after I punched it in. I woke up, again, panting, and from then on have never really been active on Haikyo. I checked it once and saw the family had left and been replaced by a bunch of spammers.
Next, I was nineteen. I wasn’t fully asleep yet. I felt like I was watching the door, and it was so clear, I saw it open and a ghostly, disfigured girl slowly looked at me, but her head tilted as if she was hovering into the room laying horizontally in the air. I woke with a start, finding myself staring at the door again, but it was closed. That was a small shock though.
Now the two most recent ones that really freaked me out. I don’t remember all the details to this dream, but it involved space and a ton of flashing purple lights. I don’t think I was human. I was flying free around these flashing lights that looked like they were attached to a machine or something. And then it went dark, and I was frozen in a void of purple shadows, no lights, no stars, and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even breath. I heard a voice speaking to me, and they were saying something threatening, but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was. Next thing I knew, I woke up gasping for air. It seemed as though I had actually been holding my breath while I was asleep, which caused the immense pain I felt in my chest from lack of oxygen. Then, last night, it was a very short dream. I was with an old friend, Emma, who is no longer my friend, and it was very late at night and dark. We were outside her car, only across the street from my house. For some reason we were gonna buy snow cones. I said, “hang on, let me go get my wallet.” I ran across the street, and as soon as I hit the middle of the road, a man dashed out and stabbed me in the side. I had only seen him for a second, and I screamed and fell to the ground, feeling the pain from the wound. Now, mind you, this whole thing happened in about three seconds, but I’ll slow it down, as if to play it in slow motion. I ran, out of no where a man stabs me, and in the corner of my eye I see another man running towards me as I fall. I hit the ground and see the second man jump over me and push the first man away, who ran. The second man was shouting something, probably for help, and he bent over me trying to help me up. I then woke up, again, heart pounding, short of breath, and looking around my dark room at like three in the morning.
I’ve had dreams of a certain man. I’ve told Lauren about this man. In each dream he looks a little different, but his face is always the same, and he’s tall. He has black hair, and sometimes it’s long or short, and sometimes he has a beard. He was in a dream with me once, and we were speaking entirely in japanese, riding in a van and watching an avalanche taking away another truck behind us. He was in a very detailed dream where I went back in time to where I was eight or nine and he was helping me relive the good moments in my past. He had been in a few other dreams that I wouldn’t remember unless I read my dream journal again. Lauren believes this is my spirit guide, possibly the entity that has saved my life on more than one occasion. He seems to be doing all he can to keep me alive, or tell me things in my dreams. I hadn’t seen him since the dream about my past. In that dream he was also teaching me how to drive. I gather he was telling me, maybe I wasn’t ready. And he challenged me, telling me to try and go further with my life, and telling me to find notebooks and tapes from when I was young and look at them again. I believe that the man in my dream last night was the same man. The guy with the knife could’ve finished me off, but my “spirit guide” didn’t let him. Of course, I would’ve woken up even if I had died. They say if you tell your spirit guide to tell you how to do something or how to solve a problem, but in a very simplified sentence, he’ll answer you in a dream. So far, it hasn’t worked for me. He seems to want to avoid me if I ask to see him again. I want him to answer my questions about who he is, and I want him to tell me how to stop stressing about all these things that are hurting me. I want to know if I’m doing things right.
It’s ironic actually. The night before last… let’s just say I’ve been under a lot of stress… I couldn’t get to sleep, and I involuntarily thought about what it might be like to hang myself. Out of any ways to commit suicide, I never thought of hanging. Of course, I’m not actually going to attempt suicide again, just sometimes I happen to think about. That’s part of my disorder. And then last night, before I went to sleep, I was crying about everything I was worrying about… I probably stayed up until two crying and seeking comfort from my friends. I don’t remember any other dreams besides the snow cone one. And the first thing I said to Mike when he was trying to wake me up was, “I was stabbed.” I proceeded to tell him the dream. I feel very frightened when I wake up from fright… heh heh… frightened by fright. I’m sure that’s a normal feeling, I mean… I AM human. But with my overactive immagination, irrationality, and wild fantasies, I doubt these kind of dreams are healthy. But what was this dream trying to tell me, right after I felt like dying? Well, that’s easy. Don’t die. Duh. I knew that already. I guess my subconscious second guesses my reasons NOT to kill myself. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t be here. I was conceived on accident, raised in a horrible home, and from then on had the worst luck by living. Yes, good, small things happen to me, but when it comes down to it, I’m probably expendable in the eyes of god. He hasn’t let me die yet though… or was it my spirit guide? Is my spirit guide god? Does everyone have their own spirit guide who is their own personal god? What if there is no higher ONE power, but billions of higher powers each looking over one specific person? We don’t know, because we don’t actually see this person… only in our dreams. Does this man in my dreams really exist as a spirit watching my every move? That’s why I want to talk to him.
I feel… numb. That’s what I’ve been feeling. Under the stress, all I can think of is… purely nothing. I feel sadness, and yet I feel nothing. I feel like a robot. I wrote a song and recorded it a few weeks ago called “Time.” One of the lines that explains me right now is,
“I wanna dance the night away
Screw you boss, I wanna play
It’s time to freeze, slow down with ease
Let’s make this life the best we can
And so you know, it’s just a show
Put on a mask and fake a laugh
No time to waste, pick up the pace
Til we go home and go to sleep
(And when we wake, isn’t it great?
We have to do it all again!)”
Really, it’s one of my best songs. The instrumentals sound very happy, but if you really listen to the lyrics, you can feel my pain that I’m sure all of you can relate to. Having a life isn’t necessarily a good thing. You have to work to make money, but you don’t have time to do things you enjoy, which makes you unhappy. And that’s probably why I’ve gained so much weight. I’m fat because I’m stressed, but I stress that I’m fat… so I don’t know what to do there. Anyway, I need to eat… (not to get fatter, I actually haven’t eaten all day). So I’m gonna go and hope my day gets better.