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Vengeance and Hate

One thing I’ve come to learn about myself is that I won’t tolerate anyone pissing me off, that is, if I can handle that situation. I didn’t really discover it until a few years back when a boyfriend (ex now) told me I was scary when I got angry. When Lauren agreed, I felt a small sense of power. Now, I don’t know if you believe in what horoscopes say… and I’m not talking about the bullshit ones you read in magazines. I’ve read horoscopes on Scorpios (my sign) that were so detailed and accurate to my life and personality, it was scary. One thing it said was that Scorpios are powerfully angry and hold long grudges. This has all been true to me, whether it be my upbringing, or pure nature.

This grudge bearing attribute really shown when I’d find out a friend was lying to me. I am very sensitive to lies, and only tell them to protect certain individuals or situations. When a friend would lie to me, they were no longer my friend… no… they didn’t exist. I wouldn’t speak or look at them. They weren’t there. When I hate, I do not bully, push, taunt… no. I let them wallow in their own filth. It doesn’t matter who you are; when you are being ignored by a person you’re used to being around, it fills you with this awkward, negative feeling. Fills you with thoughts of, “how long will this last?” or “maybe I can just walk away and everything will be okay…” No matter what, you are always on the mind of the person being ignored. It’s torture from the inside.

Thinking back, I also remember when I was fourteen and started living with my grandmother. The two of us just don’t get along. It doesn’t help that she is self-centered and can’t compromise. She only wants what SHE wants, and no one else can have a say. Part of it is because she’s old, I know. I hate old people. Anyway, she used to try to ground me. Nuh uh, not having that. You couldn’t keep me down. I would not let a low life-like her take away my pride or freedom.

I guess you could say I have the mindset that I always get my way. It’s horrible, I know, but it’s true, even when I’m not trying to get my way.

There’s a person who has wronged me recently. I hate her. I tried to stand her, but after pissing me off, it’s no good. She talks so much you can’t get a word in edge wise, she doesn’t flush the toilet, she doesn’t rinse the dishes, she makes her food with enough grease to kill a small elephant, she makes so much noise when people are sleeping, I have to cover my ears trying to fall back asleep, and she’s ugly as hell. Now, I wouldn’t have a problem with her being ugly if she didn’t dress like a slut, trying to wear mini skirts when she has no butt, or corsets when she has shoulders like a man, or anything pretty and sexy for that matter, anything I would look fantastic in, because I am actually pretty. She’d be better off dressing like a tom boy instead of a wannabe whore. Finally, she started getting on my last nerve by the way she spoke to me, always having to be right, even though, in the end, I was right about what we had been talking about at the time. One day, she deliberately left me out of something when I was over to hang out with them. She didn’t want me around, and she was being a bitch about it. So then came the vengeance. You do NOT treat me that way and get away with it. Lauren knows this. She said something along the lines of, “I know better than to mess with you, and now she’s learning it the hard way.” Something along the lines of that. Lauren had always said that one of her biggest fears was making me angry. In the end, this girl I hate is now resorted to hiding out in her room when I’m around and not getting any of the attention she strives for. We are pushing her out of our lives, and when she’s finally gone, I will have won.

Let me explain how I get angry. If I am screaming at you, most likely it’s a small issue, I’m PMSing, or I haven’t taken my meds. Now, note that you have to get me REALLY angry to witness this, and Michael has witnessed it very few times, but says he never wants to see it happen again. From my point of view, I go very silent, fuming to myself, imagining myself doing horrible things to people who have harmed me in the past. When I finally do speak to the person who had angered me, it’s a low growl of a voice that seems to put people on edge. What THEY see (and this is what people have told me,) are my eyes. Apparently the look in my eyes is the most frightening to people. I wouldn’t know; I don’t look at my reflection when I’m sad or angry because it makes me feel ugly.

Now, of course, there’s never anything I can do about people online, or my bosses at work. I don’t even get angry as often as I used to, except when that stupid girl is around. My medication helps a lot when dealing with stupid people at work, or stupid people on Youtube. It’s a lot harder to piss me off nowadays, except, like I said before, when I’m PMSing or off my meds.

Don’t be afraid, person who may be reading this. Usually people only see my “black” side when they are pissing me off in person. Besides, it’s hard to see my eyes through a computer screen.

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